- Boundaries can be challenging for a lot of us.
And sometimes when we finally
work up the courage to set them,
we can end up falling into a few pitfalls.
If you struggle to set and uphold boundaries,
or even know what they are, don't worry.
I'm offering a four hour workshop
that will empower you to set the boundaries
you need to take back control of your life.
We will discuss what boundaries are,
the different types of boundaries that exist in life,
and what behaviors you may have that are sabotaging
your ability to have healthy ones.
And you'll also learn why you need boundaries.
How to set them,
and what to do if someone refuses to respect them.
You can click the link of the description to access it now.
But let's get into the three common mistakes
that I see people make when they're setting boundaries.
(calming music)
Let's talk about what not to do when setting boundaries.
First, ask them to change the way
that they interact with you and think you're done.
Boundaries are not the same as requests.
A request is a forceful ask or demand
that someone change their behavior.
For example, I may say to someone,
"please don't speak to me that way", or,
"please don't comment on my body".
Those are requests,
and it's a very important part of setting a boundary.
But the key word there is part.
Often I see people make that statement
and then think that they're done,
that that's all the work they had to do
when setting boundaries.
But a boundary is about managing your behavior,
and so it includes one more thing.
It includes a plan for what you are going to do to keep
yourself safe and healthy if someone crosses that boundary.
Think about it this way.
You happen upon a field, and there's a gate.
That feels like a boundary to some of us.
We would never dream of crossing that without
being invited in, right?
That's private property. I'm not gonna trespass.
But let's be honest,
boundaries are not for people like that.
Boundaries are for people who might think to themselves,
"Hmm, I could probably cut through this field
on my ways to get somewhere".
They barely even notice the gate.
So a boundary is more than that fence or gate.
It's also got a sign on it that says,
"trespassers will be prosecuted".
This is now not only a barrier,
but a plan for how to enforce that barrier.
That's what you need in your boundaries.
So you may ask someone to change their behavior,
and then think to yourself, well,
what's my plan if they don't?
Sometimes you might include that in your communication.
You know, for example,
"please don't speak to me that way,
or I'll have to get off the phone with you".
Or if you're saying,
"please don't comment on my body,
and if you aren't able to honor that request,
I'll have to take a break from eating meals with you".
Sometimes that second part might
just be a plan in your mind.
You don't always have to communicate it,
but either way don't just make a request
and think that you're done.
The second big thing not to do
when you're setting boundaries is to focus
on trying to change someone else's behavior.
This is a biggie.
Boundaries are not about trying to change
how someone else is behaving.
Of course, in the dream world
when I ask someone to stop doing something
the end result is it - they stop doing it.
And it's very easy to think about boundaries this way.
I'm setting this boundary to get them to stop,
but unfortunately, that's not always how it works.
And when we focus on changing someone else's behavior
as the goal of a boundary,
we're stepping out of what we can control,
and we might end up feeling helpless and powerless
because we can't control what other people do.
And boundaries are not about feeling hopeless or helpless.
They're about empowerment.
They are about taking back what you can control,
which are your choices and your behavior.
Sometimes when we set boundaries and someone gets upset,
we feel like we've failed.
Ugh, that boundary didn't work.
They're mad at us.
Or if someone pushes against a boundary
it feels like it didn't work either.
But boundaries are in place for when people won't stop.
That's what they're there for.
And that isn't them not working,
that's the chance to implement your boundary
by changing your behavior to keep yourself safe and healthy.
The third thing we want to try not to do when
setting boundaries is to have all or nothing boundaries.
For some reason love black, white,
all or nothing, in or out.
We're like drawn to it,
and some of us are hunting for relationships
where we won't have to have boundaries
because we don't really like setting them.
But boundaries are not just for unhealthy
dynamics and relationships.
Boundaries are for every relationship.
If you have a relationship that doesn't need any boundaries,
sorry to say that's not healthy.
That might actually be a sign of an like
the infatuation stage of an enmeshed,
maybe codependent or just unhealthy dynamic.
And if we struggle with boundaries
we set our boundary as all or nothing.
We want no boundaries, and then we realize we need them,
and then people aren't abiding by what we think we need
and then we just decide to cut them off all together.
And we call that cutting off a boundary.
We tell ourselves we're being healthy
by totally cutting off connection with someone
when the truth is we're sometimes doing that
because we don't know how to set and uphold boundaries.
It's too hard for us to grow in identifying
and communicating what we're okay with and what we aren't.
and we don't want the emotional discomfort
of having to navigate that in relationships.
So we would just rather end it.
In healthy relationships,
boundaries change and shift based on needs and responses,
and in healthy boundaries we are able to invite people
into areas where they're safe
and set boundaries where we need them.
And here are some examples.
You know, just in case you're having a hard time
visualizing what I'm talking about.
Let's say you're struggling to set boundaries at work.
Let's see how these three things,
the three things to not do, might play out.
First, maybe you ask them to change the way
they interact with you and you think you're done.
So you put together an email and you send it to your boss
and you let them know,
"hey, please don't text me in the evening after work".
Instead of just doing that,
you could try letting them know,
"hey if you text at night after work hours
or on the weekend,
I'm not gonna be able to get back
to you until the next work day".
You can see how that could be a little more impactful.
Second, and I know that may be so stressful
for some of you because if they still text you at night
you can get really frustrated.
Like the boundary isn't working,
I told them, and it's just not working at all.
But remember, the goal of the boundary isn't to control
them or their behavior.
The boundary is about you not responding, right?
Not responding to the text on weekends after work.
So you just make a note and reply to them the next day.
Or maybe you turn off your phone altogether
so that you don't have to see the text.
Back in the day when I would go on vacation,
as a therapist, we usually have two phones.
So I have my personal phone and I have my work phone,
and it was a beautiful thing.
If you can afford it or if it's offered to you
through your work,
I cannot recommend it enough
because when I went on vacation or on the weekend,
I would turn my work phone off.
And it's such a small, simple task,
but it made all the difference because,
let's be honest, we're not gonna turn our phones off.
We use them for everything.
But if you have a separate phone that's only for work,
maybe you could.
Just throwing it out there.
Okay, let's move on to the third thing.
If you have an all or nothing mentality
when it comes to placing boundaries,
you might find yourself quitting the job
before you even try to set a boundary.
Maybe you wanna find a job where no one emails you
until you're ready for emails,
and you're looking for a job where you won't
have to have boundaries.
but unfortunately, that isn't really likely to happen
when it comes to work or our other relationships.
And instead of quitting, maybe your first step
is to just set a time that you're gonna be done
with the computer and walk away from it.
Kind of like the turning off your phone.
Shut the computer.
If it's a laptop, shut it.
Walk away.
You're not answering those right now.
I know setting boundaries is a hard thing to think about.
Take the time to set them and uphold them over time.
But I hope this helped you get an idea
of where to start and what you can do today
to start setting up healthy boundaries in your life,
because it really has more to do with what
we are going to do than anything else.
And as a reminder,
I have that workshop available to help you
better understand how to set
and uphold boundaries in your life.
And if you're interested,
you can find it on my website, katimorton.com,
or click the link at the top of the description.
But let me know if you have any other thoughts on this,
or tips that helped you in those comments down below.
Thank you so much for watching.
Have a wonderful week.
(calming music)