( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME BACK!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY NEXT GUEST TONIGHT IS A COMEDIAN AND
WRITER WHO HAS WRITTEN FOR, "THE PRESIDENT SHOW," AND
"THE LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," EMMY BLOTNICK.
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
>> OH, MY GOD.
IT IS SO NICE TO BE HERE WITH PEOPLE!
WOW.
I HAVE BEEN FEELING REALLY RUSTY AT TALKING TO PEOPLE.
I THINK WE ALL HAVE TO BE REALLY NICE TO EACH OTHER RIGHT NOW,
AND CUT EACH OTHER SLACK IF YOUR CONVERSATION GOES WEIRD BAWRKZ
IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN, YOU KNOW.
THE OTHER DAY I SAW A WOMAN OUTSIDE MY COFFEE SHOP WHO HAD A
HAIRLESS CAT ZIPPED UP INTO HER JACKET.
AND SHE WAS JUST KIND OF STARING DOWN THE COFFEE LINE LIKE,
"WHO'S GOING TO ASK ME ABOUT MY HAIRLESS CAT!"
SHE DIDN'T SAY THAT, BUT THAT WAS THE ENERGY, YOU KNOW.
AND I DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT, BUT THE WOMAN BEHIND ME DID.
SHE WENT FOR IT.
SHE WENT FOR THE CHITCHAT, AND SHE WAS SO WARM AND FRIENDLY
AND, LIKE, MIDWESTERN.
LIKE THE EXACT PERSON NEW YORK NORMALLY DESTROYS.
( LAUGHTER ) AND SHE WENT IN SO FRIENDLY, I
KNEW WHAT SHE MEANT TO SAY.
IT JUST CAME OUT SLIGHTLY OFF.
SHE SAID, "OH, WOW.
IS THAT A SKINLESS CAT?" ( LAUGHTER )
AND THEN THE LADY WITH THE CAT SAID, "HE HAS SKIN."
AND I WANTED TO BE LIKE, "JUST LET HER HAVE THIS!
YOU KNOW WHAT SHE MEANT.
SHE KNOWS YOUR CAT HAS SKIN BECAUSE THE WHOLE CAT IS SKIN.
IT'S AN ALL-SKIN CAT.
IT'S A VERY SKIN-FORWARD ANIMAL, YOU KNOW.
AND MAYBE SHE SAID 'SKIN' BECAUSE SHE WAS LOOKING AT A LOT
OF IT.
HOW DARE YOU MAKE HER FEEL LIKE THE WEIRD ONE HERE.
HOW DO YOU EVEN DO THAT?" SHE WASN'T BEING WEIRD.
SHE WASN'T LIKE, "IS YOUR CAT ONLY BONES?"
SHE WAS JUST TRYING TO CHAT.
I THINK THE RIGHT ANSWER TO THAT IS SOMETHING LIKE, "ACTUALLY,
IT'S A HAIRLESS CAT, BUT THANKS SO MUCH FOR TALKING TO ME.
I'M UTTERLY COMPANIONLESS."
( LAUGHTER ) I GOT A DOG RECENTLY.
HE'S THE BEST.
DOGS ARE ANTIDEPRESSANTS, FOR SURE.
IF YOU HAVE DEPRESSION, A DOG WILL HELP YOU SO MUCH.
AND IF YOU HAVE ANXIETY, A DOG WON'T HELP YOU AT ALL.
( LAUGHTER ) THERE IS SO MUCH TO WORRY ABOUT.
THEY DON'T COME WITH INSTRUCTION MANUALS.
I JUST GOOGLED DOG QUESTIONS IN A PANIC ALL DAY.
I'M STANDING OUTSIDE WALL GREENS GOOGLING, "CAN DOGS GO INSIDE
WALL GREENS?
NO?
OKAY.
CAN DOGS EAT FRENCH ONION SOUP?
NO?
OKAY."
WE WERE IN AN ELEVATOR AFFECT, AND I WAS LIKE, "DOES HE GET
WHAT'S HAPPENING RIGHT NOW?
WE'RE MOVING, DOES HE GET IT?
IS IT AND SO I GOOGLED, "DO DOCKS UNDERSTAND ELEVATORS?"
AND THE ANSWER IS FUNCTIONALLY, BUT NOT MECHANICALLY.
AND THAT MAKES SENSE, RIGHT?
THEY KNOW THAT THEY'RE GOING SOMEWHERE, BUT THEY CAN'T BUILD
YOU ONE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
OH, MAN.
THANK YOU.
I'M THINKING ABOUT BUYING TWITTER.
NO.
( LAUGHTER ) ONE THING AT A TIME.
I GOT MY DOG GROOMED FOR THE FIRST TIME.
I CALLED A MOBILE DOG GROOMING VAN, BECAUSE I SAW IT IN ONE
EPISODE OF QUEER EYE, AND IT'S A GREAT BUSINESS.
THEY ROLL UP TO YOUR HOUSE IN A VAN AND SHE THE GUY TAKES YOUR
DOG INTO THE VAN AND HE DISAPPEARS FOR ABOUT TWO AND A
HALF HOURS.
AND THEY DOORING.
THEY CUT HIS HAIR.
THEY TRIMMED HIS NAILS.
THEY GOT IN HIS EARS.
THEY GAVE HIM A DEPARTMENTAL CLEANING.
THEY WENT UP HIS BUTT.
HE CAME OUT LOOKING SO GOOD, LIKE, THE BEST HE'S EVER LOOKED
IN HIS LIFE.
AND I GOT THE BILL AND IT WAS $250, WHICH IS MORE THAN MY
HAIRCUT, AND YOU CAN TELL.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT I WAS LIKE, WHAT HAPPENED IN
THERE?
WHY WAS THIS SO EXPENSIVE?
I'M LIKE, NO, YOU KNOW IT, THIS MAKES SENSE.
A GUY HAD TO CHAIN MY DOG BY THE NECK TO A SINK IN A VAN AND
FIGHT HIM FOR TWO AND A HALF HOURS.
HE DESERVES HIS MONEY.
AND WHY AREN'T PEOPLE GETTING GROOMED THIS WAY?
( LAUGHTER ) ONCE YOU KNOW IT CAN ALL BE DONE
IN A VAN.
YOU'RE LIKE, REQUEST WHY AM I GOING TO A HAIRDRESSER IN ONE
PLACE AND A DENTIST IN ANOTHER?" WOULDN'T IT BE AMAZING IF A VAN
ROLLED UP TO YOUR HOUSE, A GUY YOU NEVER MET, PUTS A BAG OVER
YOUR HEAD, AND HE DRAGS YOU OUT TO THE VAN, AND HE HANDCUFFS
HIMSELF TO YOU AND YOU TO THE VAN, AND THEN HE DOES
EVERYTHING, RIGHT?
HE CUTS YOUR HAIR, TRIMS YOUR NAILS.
HE GIVES YOU A DENTAL CLEANING AND A COLONOSCOPY, AND A COVID
BOOSTER SHOT, AND A LITTLE TURKEY SAUSAGE, AND HE TELLS YOU
YOU'RE A VERY GOOD BOY, AND YOU COME OUT LOOKING BEST YOU'VE
EVER LOOKED IN YOUR LIFE?
I MEAN, WHO'S READY TO START GROOMING WITH HUMAN GROOMIN'?
( APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU SO MUCH.
>> Stephen: EMMY BLOTNICK, EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU, EMMY.
YOU CAN CATCH EMMY AT THE MOONTOWER "JUST FOR LAUGHS"
COMEDY FESTIVAL IN AUSTIN, TEXAS, THIS WEEKEND.
EMMY BLOTNICK, THAT'S IT FOR "THE LATE SHOW."
TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN MY GUESTS WILL BE ALEXANDER SKARSGAÅRD AND
JACK WHITE.
JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT.
GOOD NIGHT.