You are not the father.
(audience cheering)
Shut up!!!
(microwave beeps)
Mm. I don't care what anyone says.
Warm undie balls are the best.
Come on, Kwan. Let's find that son of a bwitch
(passionate moaning)
Oh, Fabio. What the hell?!
Hello, Ian.
Antoinette.
Who's that bitch?
She's your replacement, and she's a way better kisser than you ever were. Plus, her cleavage is straight-up bonerific!
And who's that? Your hot new muscular, bigger, stronger,
manlier, sweatier, girthier new boyfriend?
Actually...
He's your son.
[EVERYONE GASPS]
I know right
How old is he?
He's 13.
He looks like he's 30.
Hey! I got a thyroid condition.
You dick.
Sorry, son.
umm...
So what do you need me to do?
Well, I just need you to get off your deadbeat ass and start paying some child support up in here.
Okay, okay.
Hold up here. First of all, no 13-year-old would have a freaking beard. And second of all, he's black.
[EVERYONE GASPS]
You racist son of a bitch!
[IAN PUNCHES ANTHONY]
Get him, Daddy.
I'll do anything you want, babycakes.
I won't be a deadbeat dad anymore.
Man, being a dad is tough, but I tell you what, it is rewarding.
Are you serious?
He is not your son.
Uh, yeah, he is. Antoinette and I held hands...
so many times.
Oh, my God. You have no idea
how babies are made, do you?
Yeah, I do. So babies happen when a man meets a woman. And if they really like each other, they hold hands.
Specifically their right hand. The sweat from their excited hands enters each other's pores.
And then the woman gets fat, and three weeks later, a baby pops out of the woman's belly button.
Oh, so what you're basically
saying is you're a virgin and she's totally lying to you.
Anthony, this is my family now. You can't tear us apart.
Yeah, let's get out of here.
Oh, my God, it was always my left hand.
(playful teasing)
No, that's my pony.
No, you're letting Twilight Sparkle escape.
(yelling)
You've never held my right hand, which means I could have never gotten you preggers.
(Antoinette gasps) All right, all right, this whole thing was my idea.
Anthony, Antoinette, I'm sorry I lied to you two.
What about me?
I changed f***ing your diaper.
I just wanted to get close to you two.
Because I'm...
your father.
[EVERYONE GASPS]
What?
That's not possible.
Oh, it's possible. I held your mama's right hand in the '80s.
Are you kidding me? You can't get pregnant by holding someone's hand. Look, I'm holding
Stevie's right hand and no one is getting preg--
Our baby's gonna be so cute!!
F--k off, Stevie!!!
F--k off, Stevie.
To see bloopers and two scenes that didn't make it into the video...
Oh.
Are you using it as a sauna to get in shape? Dude, you are freaking genius,
man. Mm.
...click the video right here.
You want corn, too?
Mm-hmm.
I like corn.
I like corn, too.
(singing)
Thanks for subscribing!
No, no, no.
We're not gonna sing in that voice anymore.
But I like singing.
No, we're not gonna-- Dammit. Jeff Bridges! We're not gonna sing in his voice anymore.
I like singing.
No, Jeff! Jeff Bridges!
I know after R.I.P.D., you just want to-- you just...
be in anything now, but no.
I just want to--
Just no! Jeff, get out of here.
I just want to sing!
(cries)
Yeah, I don't get why people find it so weird when a guy loves a stuffed animal.
So I like to get naked and lather myself in baby oil then take my teddy bear and hump it into submission until I fall
asleep. Who cares, right? Right?
Riiight.