(birds chirping)
- Dammit!
Pair you piece of (beep).
(speakers beeps)
The bluetooth won't pair!
Maybe if I turn it off and turn it back on again?
- [Speaker] To enjoy ad-free listening,
sign up for a trial of Spotify Premium.
- You should go.
- I should go.
(birds chirping)
(soft guitar music)
- Hey, listen.
So, um, I wrote a letter to every boy I've ever loved
confessing my true feelings for them
and they were never supposed to be mailed,
but then they were.
So I'm sure you've already gotten the letter
that I sent to you, so...
- Letter?
What's a letter?
- Oh, it's like a paper text
that gets dropped off at your house.
- Oh! (soft guitar music)
(chuckles) Those things.
- Yeah.
- I don't open those.
(playful music)
Ugh!
Ew!
- Oh!
Co- Cool. (chuckles)
Cool. All right.
I'm gonna...
- And if anyone present
would like to object to this holy matrimony,
may you speak now or forever hold your peace.
- I object!
- (beep) (crowd gasps)
- I'm still in love with you John.
I just can't let you marry her.
- You're too late. We're already married.
- Yeah, we eloped like six months ago, (beep)hole,
for the tax break.
This is all just for show.
- Oh no.
Oh, the fiscal responsibility
makes me that much more attracted to you!
Oh, where else am I gonna find someone
with a credit score like that?
- Oh, I have like a 780.
- Oh. Cool.
All right, I'm just gonna go over here.
Carry on.
- Tight. Good luck! - Thank you!
(beep) was that?
- I think that was Kimmy Jimenez of Smosh.
- (gasps) You dated a celebrity?
- None that I know.
- Ugh, I don't know.
He's literally just so perfect for me,
but we can't be together
because we come from different socioeconomic backgrounds.
God, you're my best friend, June.
You know me better than anyone knows me.
What do you think?
- You gotta move on girl.
- I don't like that advice. I'm gonna ignore it.
Anyway, more about me and my problems.
- You know, what about me?
You know you always say you're my best friend,
but we seem to only talk about your problems
and never about mine.
Do you even know my middle name?
- Girl, of course I do, June.
It's, um,
July.
- No.
What's my last name? How about that.
- I want to say August.
- You think my name is June July August?
- Yeah, I don't know, just sounds right.
- Because those are the summer months in consecutive order.
Come on. Do you know anything about me?
(melancholic music)
- No, God.
You're right.
Oh God, I've been a horrible friend.
I'm sorry. Just tell me about you.
Like what are you thinking about
when we aren't discussing my litany of relationship issues?
- Ugh!
Come on, dig deeper.
(June grunting)
Dammit!
I have nothing.
(beep)!
- I'm so sorry to hear that.
Anyway, back to me and my problems.
- Yeah.
- Why don't you rub my head and tell me how perfect I am
on, like, all the wrong decisions
in my life. - You deserve the world!
- I do!
(crowd cheering)
- Get the ball! - Yeah!
- Hey, uh, Peter, tell me about that Vanessa girl.
- Oh, uncle Mikey, she's perfect.
I mean, I'm in love.
Vanessa, she likes baseball, she eats hot dog
and only problem is she sees me as a friend.
- Oh no, no, no. That's an easy fix.
You just keep asking her out and eventually she'll give in.
- That's kind of creepy.
- What? No, no!
It's persistent. Women love that. Am I right?
Yes, I'm right.
See, all you gotta do
is just transfer into all their classes,
bump into her physically in the hallway,
and follow her wherever she goes,
so if she ever needs a ride somewhere,
you're always right around the corner!
- Yeah, that's stalking.
Yeah. What you just described, that's stalking.
- No.
- That's him!
That's the guy that's been following me everywhere!
- [Cop] You're coming with me pal.
- I'll see you in 10 to 15 years. I love you!
- Ugh! Gross.
- Uncle Mikey?
- Step right up to the job fair!
We have all kinds of jobs for everyone!
- Hi, we're comedians.
We're looking for a little extra cash on the side.
- Oh, say no more.
I have the perfect jobs for you
and no other job is going to fit better.
Magazine!
Architect!
- Magazine?
What do you mean magazine?
Like what job at a magazine?
- I- I don't know.
You're just that magazine.
You are girl that works at magazine.
You are magazine job.
- Uh, I don't believe in architecture.
May I work at magazine too?
- No! No! (somber music)
(signs tumbling)
No!
Okay.
You are architect guy!
Or secret prince.
- Oh, why didn't you lead with that?
I wanna be secret prince!
- No!
No, I just remembered it's summertime.
It's then secret prince is only at Christmas time thing.
You know, like a Christmas time prince.
- Oh, it's seasonal.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- That really sucks.
Well, maybe you shouldn't get married.
- Listen, punk! - I got your ring now.
- I don't care.
- What're you gonna do?
- I'm gonna literally kill you.
I'm halfway there right now.
- Kiss!
- Uncle Mikey?
(playful music)
- Yeah.
You're better off without him, kid.
You guys have better seats than I did.
Sports ball!
- Was that a ploy in order to move up to behind home plate?
- What can I say?
- That's (beep) dope.
- I'm a professional. - Holy (beep).
- Yeah. - Can I get a ride home?
- Yeah, for sure.
- This is the infinity stone. - Don't snap. Don't snap.
(shouting) No!
- Kiss. - That was a terrible snap.
(comedians laughing)
- Yeah, we eloped like six months ago, (beep)hole!
This is of the (stammering) (beep).
- You (beep) we (beep).
- Listen up, Marty McFly.
This woman right here,
she's more architect than you'll ever be.
And I am actually a prince, dammit.
- Ka-ching. - ka-ching.
We're both...
We're gonna (beep) kill you. (laughs)
- Yeah.
- So get ready (laughing) 'cause here it comes.
- Oh, the sun looks good when you stare at it.
- You look good when I stare at you.
Sorry... (stammering)
What?
Can you see?
- Oh, there you are.
- They don't need this. (laughing)
(playful music)
- Don't ask what it's for.
Don't ask what it's for!
(playful music)
Did you say something?
- What?
- [Damien] It sounded like you said something.
- No, I snored and farted a little.
What do you want from me?
- [Damien] Oh, I don't know.
I thought you were just telling me to stop.
- Nope. Just inhaling and exhaling at the same time
through both orifices.
Good night!
- [Damien] All right, good night.
(playful music)
(Courtney snored)
- Hey, what the (beep) did you say you just did?
(Courtney laughing)
- Oh, that's cute.
I'm gonna forget that information in five, four, three, two.
June. - Mm-hmm.
- I love you. - Ah!
(Kimmy laughing)
- Are you my aunt?
- Mm-hmm.
This is just our thing.
- Oh! - Yeah.
- [Crew] Cut! (Kimmy laughing)
- Yeah. Good luck.
- Thank you!
Why does your ex look just like me?
- Well, uh, you see the thing is, uh....
Well, what happened was at the time...
So basically...
Okay, here's the thing.
Listen. You listening?
It's a funny story. You're gonna laugh.
So I says to her, I says...
I says ex-girlfriend. I says.
(all laughing)