( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU KNOW THERE ARE DOG PEOPLE AND THERE
ARE CAT PEOPLE, AND THEN THERE ARE THE DREADED MOLE PEOPLE.
THEY'RE SAD AND LONELY AND I DON'T THINK THEY'RE ALLOWED TO
HAVE PETS DOWN THERE.
IT'S SAD.
MY FAVORITESES HAVE ALWAYS BEEN DOGS AND IF YOU'RE IN THE MARKET
FOR A DOG, I DO A SEGMENT CALLED "RESCUE DOG RESCUE."
WHERE A CELEBRITY FRIEND JOINS ME TO TELL FLATTERING LIES ABOUT
PUPPIES TO GET THEM ADOPTED.
MOST RECENTLY, BILLY EICHNER AND I LIED ABOUT SOME PUPPIES IN
HALLOWEEN COSTUMES, AND JUST LIKE ALL THE OTHER TIMES WE'VE
DONE THE SEGMENT, EVERY SINGLE DOG WAS ADOPTED.
( APPLAUSE ) YEAH!
SADLY, WE STILL HAVEN'T FOUND A FOREVER HOME FOR BILLY, BUT YOU
CAN STILL ADOPT HIM.
WE EVEN GAVE HIM ONE OF THOSE I.D. CHIP IMPLANTS IN CASE HE
RUNS AWAY.
WELL, THIS HOLIDAY SEASON, WE'RE OPENING A BIG BOX OF PUPPIES FOR
YOU.
THIS IS "RESCUE DOG RESCUE."
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY, WELCOME TO "RESCUE
DOG RESCUE."
LET'S GET THESE DOGS SOME NEW HOMES.
IF ONLY THERE WERE A FAMOUS CELEBRITY WILLING TO BE APPEAR
ON CAMERA WITH SOME ADORABLE ANIMALS.
>> I'M ONE OF THOSE!
>> Stephen: NICK JONAS!
GOOD TO SEE YOU.
THANKS SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.
>> HAPPY TO BE HERE.
>> Stephen: AWESOME!
AWESOME.
OKAY, NICK, OBVIOUSLY, YOU KNOW HOW THIS WORKS.
>> YEAH, I'M GOING TO VOTE SO MANY DOGS OFF THE ISLAND, IT'S
GOING TO BE AMAZING.
>> Stephen: NOT HOW THIS WORKS.
WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN IS WE'RE GOING TO MAKE UP SOMEALIZE, SOME
BIG ONES, ABOUT THESE PUPPIES TO MAKE SURE THEY GET GOOD HOMES.
>> BEAUTIFUL, LET'S DO IT.
>> Stephen: HERE WE GO, FIRST PUPPY UP.
WHO DO WE HAVE HERE?
EVERYBODY, YAY!
THIS IS JACK.
JACK HAS A-- COME ON, JACK.
DON'T EAT MY TIE.
JACK HAS A BARTENDER'S LICENSE, BUT CONSIDERS HIMSELF MORE OF A
"MIXOLOGIST."
HE'LL CREATE CUSTOM CRAFT COCKTAILS AT YOUR NEXT PARTY,
BUT DON'T CALL HIM A BOOZE HOUND.
BECASUE HE HATES LAZY WORDPLAY.
( APPLAUSE ) >> THIS IS ROCKY.
HE'S A VERY LUCKY DOG.
IN FACT, HE HAS WON THE POWERBALL SIX TIMES FOR A TOTAL
OF $18 MILLION!
BUT BECAUSE HE'S A DOG, HE DOESN'T REALLY UNDERSTAND HOW
MONEY WORKS, SO IT'S ALL YOURS!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: NEXT UP, WE'VE GOT LOGAN.
LOGAN IS A CERTIFIED HOT YOGA INSTRUCTOR AND CAN GET YOU IN
SHAPE FOR BEACH SEASON.
TRAIN WITH LOGAN, AND SOON YOU, WILL BE ABLE TO LICK YOURSELF IN
PLACES YOU'VE NEVER IMAGINED.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Audience: OOOH!
>> SAY HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO MINNIE.
MINNIE LOVES YOU.
YES, YOU, MARTIN JOHNSON OF DES MOINES, IOWA.
WHO, IF THAT IS A REAL PERSON, BASICALLY YOU HAVE TO ADOPT THIS
DOG.
>> Stephen: HERE WE GO.
OH!
HEY THERE!
THIS IS LUCY.
LUCY IS POLITICALLY ACTIVE AND WENT DOOR TO DOOR TO GET OUT THE
VOTE IN THE ALABAMA SENATE RACE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HER WORK HELPED PUT DOUG JONES
OVER THE TOP.
BUT FULL DISCLOSURE: SHE ONLY VOLUNTEERED BECAUSE SHE THOUGHT
HIS NAME WAS "DOG" JONES.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> THIS IS VIXEN.
VIXEN KNOWS ALL THE IMPORTANT COMMANDS, INCLUDING "SIT,"
"STAY," AND "KEEP THE CAR RUNNING WHILE I ROB THIS BANK."
( LAUGHTER ) YEAH!
>> Stephen: WHO DO WE HAVE HERE?
OH, YES.
OH!
THIS-- THIS IS KRINGLE!
HELLO!
KRINGLE IS A DOG YOU WILL LOVE.
WITH A DOG LIKE KRINGLE, YOU'LL GET PLENTY OF PUPPY LOVE.
AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT HIS EVIL EYEPATCH-WEARING
TWIN BROTHER IGNACIO SHOWING UP IN THE MIDDLE OF CHRISTMAS
DINNER AND DECLARING HIS LOVE FOR YOUR WIFE.
AND SO YOU ALSO WON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT KRINGLE THEN
SHOUTING, "IGNACIO!
HOW DARE YOU TRY TO TEAR APART THIS FAMILY!"
WHICH MEANS YOU DEFINITELY DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THE TWO OF
THEM ERUPTING INTO A MAGNIFICENT SWORD FIGHT THAT CARRIES OUT
ONTO A WINDBLOWN CLIFF BECAUSE THAT WOULD NEVER
HAPPEN... TWICE.
( APPLAUSE ) >> SAY HELLO TO NOELLE.
NOELLE ONCE SAVED J.J. ABRAMS' LIFE, WHICH MEANS ANYONE WHO
ADOPTS HER GETS TO BE IN THE NEXT "STAR WARS" AS CHEWBACCA'S
BROTHER, FRANK-BACCA.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: WELL, THAT DOES IT FOR "RESCUE DOG RESCUE."
HEAD TO "THE LATE SHOW'S" WEBSITE, colbertlateshow.com,
FOR INFO ON HOW TO ADOPT THESE DOGS FROM NORTH SHORE ANIMAL
LEAGUE AMERICA.
NICK JONAS, EVERYBODY!