Hello I m Darren Magee and todays topic is continuing on the question of recovering from
having been an unhealthy, toxic, narcissistic relationship. Today I'm going to be looking
at the second part of setting and reinforcing boundaries. Now there's more to cover in this
than I thought it could well spill over into third video. But if you like this video, if
you find it helpful, please consider subscribing to my channel for future updates on mental
health related topics. But just as a reminder, this video is not a substitute for support
from a mental health professional, nor is it a tool to be used to diagnose someone.
And before I go any further, remember when dealing with toxic and vindictive people,
it's always about making sure you're safe. Now asserting yourself isn't about being aggressive
and managing your boundaries is not about antagonising someone. But we don't always
know how an abusive person is gonna react whenever they see perhaps a new resolve or
a new found strength in us. They may consider that to be a threat, we don't always know
how they re gonna react, so it's always about making sure you're safe. So just to recap,
in part one of this video I discussed recognising what are bounderies are. We look at our values,
our limits, our integrity, our self respect. But I also asked you to think about somethings
to stop doing when it comes to managing your boundaries. Now things like stop looking for
validation from them. Stop making excuses for them. Stop hoping they are going to change
and lastly stop explaining and justifying yourself. Remember the more information you
give, the more ammunition you're actually giving them. They're going to twist that,
and maybe use it against you somehow. Something else to consider when setting your boundaries
is don't underestimate them. Now some narcissistic people can be ridiculous when you think of
some of the bizarre behaviours, the bizarre statements, the accusations, the revenge tactics
even. Sometimes they re a bit more like Wile E. Coyote. You nearly expect them to be standing
on the edge of a cliff holding an anvil or sneaking up behind you with a box of ACME
TNT. Others however, are highly skilled and adept at manipulation and gaslighting. Remember,
some have spent a lifetime learning how to devalue and invalidate and to take advantage
of others. Many have went through many partners, many friends, jobs all learning different
tactics and strategies to get what they want. Others have maybe spent years learning your
triggers, learning what buttons to push with you in order to get a reaction from you. So
don't underestimate how relentless, cunning, ruthless, or even daft or bizarre they may
be. When you don't underestimate them sometimes there's less chance that you ll be unnerved
by them, less chance you ll be blindsided by them whenever they pull their next stunt
or tactic. Next up is stop making yourself vulnerable. And what I mean by that, narcissistic
people generally have a lack of insight so they consider any vulnerability to be a weakness,
and they will exploit that weakness anyway they can. In reality being vulnerable is just
part of being human. We need vulnerability in order to love, to be intimate and to trust.
We also need to recognise our vulnerabilities in order to be able to draw on our strengths
whenever we need them more, or to have the courage to reach out to others when we need
support. Indeed, even to have the moral courage to apologise when we're in the wrong. Narcissists
tend to lack emotional intelligence so they see any vulnerability as an opportunity to
exploit, to manipulate and to shame others. Everything is a competition with them remember.
So stop being vulnerable with them. Now what I mean by that is sometimes we are being assertive.
We are being clear we, we could be talking to someone and we re pointing out their behaviour.
We might say something like, Whenever you do that, I feel..whatever , or, Whenever you
talk to me like that I feel whatever . When you're talking to someone they generally get
the point. You're not accusing them of anything, you're just addressing their behaviour and
you're owning how that feels when they do that. But if you're talking to someone who's
maybe narcissistic, all they have heard is, Ah, so when I do this, they feel like that
. So they ve just learnt a new trigger. They have just learnt another button to push in
order to get a reaction. When you tell them that, chances are they are going to keep on
doing it. They're going to ramp it up to keep getting reactions for you. Sometimes, in their
minds, they believe that the more you react, the more control they have over you. So whenever
we respond, they have less control. Whenever we respond, we have control.That might look
like, some people go Grey Rock the Grey Rock method, now what that is, is you observe,
but you don't absorb, they tend to treat that behaviour with indifference. Other times what
you could do as you could maybe point out that the behaviour is unacceptable, that things
are doing and saying are unacceptable, boundaries are being crossed here and reminding them
that there are consequences to the boundaries being crossed. Now this might sound something
like, If you continue to talk to me like that or behave like that, or use that kind of language
or tone of voice with me, this conversation has ended . Now if they continue doing what
they're doing, then you're going to have to reinforce that. You're just going to have
to remind them. Right this conversation has now stopped. We will continue it when you
can talk to me properly. And you don't necessarily need to go any further than that, now regardless
of how they react, you know there are endless emails, their text s, their tantrums or silent
treatment, whatever. You don't need to go any further than that. You laid down a boundary
,they crossed it. You told him about the consequences. They continued. So you reinforced forced it.
Thing is though, if you explain the consequences to their behaviour, and you don't follow it
through, even as they re keep on keeping on at you, if you don't follow that through,
you've just shown them that you're not serious about your boundaries, and if you weren't
serious about that one, they will keep on pushing because they won't believe any of
your other boundaries matter either. Next up is something I've mentioned in the previous
video about having them do their own work. Now, what I mean by that, this would be, I
suppose particularly with the covert narcissists, they re always in a state of distress and
strain and unfulfillment. And they continually want people to rescue them and to do things
for them and to give them solutions to things. But do you ever notice every solution will
have a problem? Every goal will have an obstacle. Every silver lining will have a cloud. So,
stop trying to help them. Stop giving them solutions. Stop giving them suggestions. Instead,
have them figure things out for themselves. Now this might sound something like, What
do you see as a solution? What do you think you could do? What do you think would help
in this situation? And if they tell you it's something that you need to do, then ask them,
perhaps depending on the context, well, Why would I do that? How would that help you?
How would that help with this? or even just, Well I might give that some consideration
. But you're not actually committing to anything. Or if they tell you they don't know what the
solution is then except that as their answer, perhaps invite them to give it some thought.
And lastly, for today stop being ambiguous. Now sometimes the narcissist knows that you're
on to them, but because you don't actually name it, they think they're getting away with
it. They think that it's perfectly OK. Now when I say name and I'm not necessarily saying
you just come out and say, hey, you're a narcissist. What I mean is you name the behaviour. Things
like, I notice you keep interrupting me when I talk , I'm wondering why you're behaving
like that, saying those things , I'm wondering are you re trying to provoke a reaction , that
wasn't the question I asked you, I m wondering if you would answer the question that I asked.
And use a matter of fact tone of voice. And again, depending on how safe you are, sometimes
we can let them know that we're on to them. Things like perhaps our property has been
damaged or someone has been spreading vicious rumours about you. If you feel safe enough,
sometimes we can just say, I know it was you and leave it at that. We don't need to get
into a debate, regardless of how insane they think we are or how crazy they to call us
or whatever. We don't get into a debate, because remember, narcissists want attention, even
though they primarily want approval, they want attention and bad attention is better
than none at all. They want conflict. They want chaos and they will keep on pushing,
denying, gaslighting, threatening and just praying and crying, hoping for the end of
the world. So there are some more ideas about asserting and managing boundaries when it
comes to managing narcissistic people. Don't underestimate them. Stop making yourself vulnerable
when you're with them. Stop doing their work for them and don't be ambiguous. Let them
know there will be consequences to their behaviours. And as always as I said in the previous video,
when you do begin to assert yourself with them, expect some kind of kick back. Like
I keep saying, make sure you're safe. Stay safe, but also stay strong. And something
for you to consider is to practise. Practise being assertive, now there may be someone
that you trust, someone that you feel safe with, so maybe ask them, look, I might sound
a bit strange over the next while, but here's what it is I'm trying to do. If you don't
have anyone that you trust or feel safe with that's perfectly OK. Use the mirror. Now remember
when you were a teenager, and no one ever admits to this, but you remember when you
were a teenager? Do you remember looking into the mirror and singing into a hairbrush? Well,
it's exactly the same thing. How do you look? How do you sound? What do you look like? How
do you carry yourself when you stand with your back straight, make eye contact and speak
in a matter of fact tone of voice? And don't be hard on yourself if you fail
in a particular situation. Have compassion. Have patience for yourself. Identify what
it is you need to do differently. What is it you could do better next time Learn from
it. Asserting yourself, boundary setting is not a one off event.
It's a process. It's something we keep getting better at, so you'll get better at it as you
go. Like is always, there are some interesting comments and conversations starting around
these videos so please feel free to use the comment box below and do please feel free
to share any of the ways you use to manage your boundaries, some others may find it helpful.
If you liked this video, if you find it helpful, please consider subscribing to my channel
for future updates on mental health related topics and until next time, thanks for watching.