-We now return to the White House, where President Trump
is speaking to members of the press.
-Thank me, thank me. You're --
[ Cheers and applause ]
You're very happy to be here. You're very happy to be here.
[ Laughter ]
Welcome back to my terrible, awful, no good,
very unfair week in office.
[ Laughter ]
I got to tell you, folks,
Donny's not a happy President right now, no.
[ Laughter ]
Impeachment is heating up, the stock market's going down,
and worst of all, Nickelback's mad at me.
[ Laughter ]
Not only that, the media has been very mean to me,
very mean and very nasty.
[ Laughter ]
Very mean, and very, very nasty.
[ Laughter ]
They keep saying I'm unhinged, which is completely untrue
because everyone knows that I've never been hinged.
[ Laughter ]
I'm like one of those folding accordion doors, folks.
You know the ones you find at a cheap massage parlor
with the little magnets on the side?
[ Laughter ]
Just like that cheap massage parlor,
you don't know what's going on inside,
but you know it's not good.
[ Laughter ]
But anyway, I've learned my lesson this week.
Don't ask Ukraine for dirt on Joe Biden.
[ Laughter ]
That's why today I asked China for dirt on Joe Biden.
[ Laughter ] That's true. I did, folks.
In fact, I got the intelligence report from China right now.
It's right on my desk. Let's see it. Here it is.
[ Laughter ]
Someone gave it to me.
[ Cheers and applause ]
It says, "Deep trouble lies ahead for you."
[ Laughter ]
"In bed."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Must be talking about Joe Biden.
Anyway, and in closing, if I'm going down,
I'm doing it Khaleesi style.
I'm burning this place to the ground.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, and one last thing, coming from New York,
I'm Jimmy Fallon!
This is "The Tonight Show!"
It starts right now! Let's do it! Come on!
[ Cheers and applause ]