-Welcome, everybody. Welcome to
"The Tonight Show"!
Thank you for being here.
Thank you for watching.
[ Cheering and applause ]
It's going to be a fun show tonight.
Let's get to some news, guys.
It was just announced that the
U.S. District Judge Raymond Dearie
will serve as the special master
and review the 11,000 documents seized from Mar-A-Lago.
Wow, what a nightmare.
That's basically like being forced to read
Apple's terms and conditions.
[ Laughter ]
Seriously, that's crazy. 11,000 documents?
I wouldn't even read a text message
longer than two sentences. I go, "No."
[ Laughter and applause ]
That's right, Raymond Dearie has been chosen
to serve as "special master"
and to gain some insight into his work ahead,
we have Judge Dearie with us tonight.
Hello, Your Honor?
-Jimmy, could you give me just a moment?
I need to take this call.
[ Laughter ]
-Sure. Go right ahead.
-So, what were you asking about those documents?
-[ As Trump ] What if you accidentally lost them?
-Can't do it. -Burned them?
-No. -Shredded them?
-No. -Flushed them?
-No. -Ate them?
-Unh-unh. -Spilled bleach on them?
-No. -Ketchup?
-No! -Fed them to a goat?
-No. -Donkey?
-Nope. -What if you burned them?
-You already asked that one.
Still no.
[ Laughter ]
-You're a loser.
[ Click, dial tone ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Sorry there, Jimmy. What were you asking?
-You seem like you have a lot on your plate there, Your Honor.
Judge Dearie, ladies and gentlemen, with us.
Thank you very much. I'm sorry about that.
[ Cheering, whistling, and applause ] Busy.
Meanwhile, in a new interview, former President Trump said
that he can't imagine being indicted,
but that, even if he were,
it wouldn't stop him from running again.
[ Laughter ] -Oh!
[ Booing ]
In other words, Trump has no idea what indicted means.
[ Laughter and applause ]
That's right, there's a good chance
Trump could be the first candidate
whose campaign bus is a police cruiser.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Well, yeah, if you haven't heard about this already,
everyone's still talking about how
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis sent two planes of migrants
to Martha's Vineyard.
[ Laughter ]
When you think about it, what's more American
than randomly landing in Massachusetts,
with no plan for what comes next?
You know what I'm saying?
[ Laughter, cheering, and applause ]
People are calling it a political stunt
and, now, things are getting petty.
In response to DeSantis, the governor of Massachusetts
just sent 50 Wahlberg brothers to Florida.
-Oh. -Yeah, unbelievable.
[ Laughter ]
Guys, I heard that, due to supply chain issues,
major pharmacy chains across the U.S.
are experiencing a shortage of Adderall.
In response, one guy was like, "It's not my fault.
I have to read 11,000 documents.
I mean, I --
How am I supposed to --"
[ Laughter and applause ]
Hey, let's just lighten things up real quick, okay?
Last night, President Biden was at a gala
and he decided to sing "Happy Birthday"
to a California congresswoman.
[ Laughter ] Let's see how that went.
-♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy birthday, da da ♪
[ Laughter ] ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
-Oh! Oh. -God love you, kiddo.
-Wow, that's amazing. Wow. -Aww.
-[ Faux sniffles ]
There's nothing more touching
than someone singing "Happy Birthday"
and not remembering your name.
[ Laughter ]
It's the one line you have to remember!
[ Laughter ]
That's the money of that song, is the name.
[ Laughter ]
We all know the lyrics.
♪ Happy birthday, ya ya ba ♪
♪ Ah da ya ♪ Whatever. Yeah, I'm tired.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Safe to say Biden won't be getting a job
at Applebee's anytime soon.
♪ Happy ♪ Who cares?
[ Laughter ]
Well, hey, listen to this -- I read that the Senate
just confirmed their first ever cyber ambassador,
who will be responsible for dealing
with international cybersecurity issues.
Cyber ambassador, special master --
these guys sound like rejected characters
who would work for Darth Vader.
[ Laughter ] It's like, "Sir, sir,
the cyber ambassador is here to see you."
[ Inhales sharply, baritone ] Send them to the special master.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Cyber ambassador?
Cyber ambassador -- sounds like the IT guy asked for a raise
and they were like, "Uh, how about a fancy name, instead?
[ Laughter ] You're the cyber ambassador.
Now, can we get this printer working?
[ Laughter ]
Some news from overseas -- the prime minister of Pakistan
met with Vladimir Putin and it looked like
he was really struggling with his translation headphones.
Take a look at this.
[ Laughs ]
[ Camera shutter clicks ]
Uh-huh.
Ooh!
[ Laughter ]
There you go.
Ooh.
-[ Speaking foreign language ]
[ Laughter ]
There you go.
Hold on.
-Can somebody help me?
-Yeah. -Aww!
-There you go.
There you go.
There we go.
-[ Speaking foreign language ]
[ Camera shutter clicking ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Sad trombone plays ]
That guy is the leader of 220 million people.
I just want to let you know that.
And then he finally got the headset in
and his pants fell down. -Oh, no!
[ Laughter ] -Isn't that unbelievable? That's unbelievable.
Guys, this is fun -- tomorrow, for the first time since 2019,
Oktoberfest kicks off in Munich.
-[Both] Yeah!
[ Cheering and applause ]
Yeah!
It's that classic time for Oktoberfest --
September.
[ Laughter ]
Tomorrow is Oktoberfest.
It begins in Munich.
Meanwhile, here in New York,
the UN General Assembly is underway,
so we thought we'd introduce a new segment called
World Leaders Are More Fun with Oompah Music.
[ Laughter ] Check it out.
♪♪
♪♪ [ Clapping rhythmically ]
♪♪
Whoa!
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
Hey.
♪ Hey, hoh, hup ♪
♪♪ [ Clapping continues ]
Hey.
There you go. Not bad.
[ Cheering and applause ]
Well, this is very interesting --
I saw that a growing number of men
are getting an expensive surgery
that lengthens their legs, so that they can be taller.
Higgins, would you ever do something like that?
-No, probably not. [ Laughter ]
I mean, if the recovery time was short
or I had a doctor I trusted, maybe, but,
I feel pretty good about myself. -Yeah, that's good. Yeah.
What about you, Tariq?
-Definitely not.
[ Laughter ] I don't know why some men
are insecure about their height.
I've always been comfortable
with the height I've always been --
7'1".
[ Laughter ] How about you, Jimmy?
-No way. I mean, even if there were
[ Laughter, cheering, and applause ] no medical risks
to the procedure, I-I --
I still wouldn't -- still wouldn't do it!
Aaaah! -Hold on, Jimmy!
[ Thudding ] Jimmy, no, no!
[ Tranquil tune plays ] [ Cheering and applause ]
♪♪
[ Cheering, whistling, and applause ]
-That was like a little play.
[ Rimshot ]
Oh! -Ah!
-[ As Jerry Lewis ] Tony Award.
[ Laughter ] -And, finally,
France just unveiled a new high-speed train coming to Paris
that can reach a maximum speed of nearly 220 miles per hour.
[ Oohs ] It's an amazing service.
You get to work early and you get free Botox.
[ Laughter and applause ] We have a great show, everybody.