welcome welcome ladies and gentlemen one and
all to The Late Show I'm your host Stephen Colbert and it is
because today was the Georgia Senate runoff between Democratic senator and Mann listening
to his daughter explaining the difference between love Island and love is blind Rafael Warnock and
Republican Challenger and self-aware cinder block Herschel Walker voters were out of the polls all
day and at 11 35 eastern time with zero percent of precincts reporting because we taped the show at
5 30. The Late Show was ready to project that Herschel Walker does not belong in the Senate
we can project we can declare the U.S Senate is no place for people whose brains don't work because
of football injuries it's a place for people whose brains don't work because they're 1 000 years old
one thing one thing we do know about today's election is that thanks to
record-breaking early voting experts believe that Senator Warnock went into
election day with about an eight point lead okay but keep in mind that's good
it's not like Herschel didn't try he spent years fathering as many voters as possible
really working the polls
both candidates have been out making their final push this weekend the Warnock campaign appealed
to voters with a laser light drone show it's a great way to get out the vote for Homer Simpson
it's been a tough campaign for Herschel Walker because he keeps getting derailed by comments
made by his mouth today folks are talking about this speech he made back in 2019. you all have
kids everybody have kids I hope and if you don't have any come see me after I'll take care of that
he's got an excellent batting average
batter up I'm sorry I interrupted you were doing brain ballet you have kids that
they love to watch all these shows and you have to sit there and watch them with them and stuff
and sooner or later you get when you like the shows but they don't like them no more and now
you have to watch them by yourself and you feel like a dirt old man like I have the rent the
neighbor's kid to go see Jungle Book like a year ago because my son didn't want to go with me to
see Jungle Book and I don't look like a weird guy and instead of Watching Jungle Book yeah
you don't want to look like a weird guy Watching Jungle Book alone you
want to look like a normal guy sharing Junior Mints with the child you rented
whoever wins get the extra insurance get the extra insurance whoever wins they'll
be headed to the U.S Capitol where today heroic police officers who defended Congress on January
6th and their families were honored with a congressional gold medal ceremony it is yes
it's well deserved it's well deserved they confronted a mob hell-bent on destroying
our system of government risked their lives defending democracy in the halls of
Congress and put up with a lot of something I can't say on CBS Madam speaker thank you
thank you madam now members of both parties were there for the ceremony
but family members of Fallen Capital police officer Brian sitnick did not appreciate the
Republicans in attendance so when it came time for the receiving line those family
members Would Not Shake Hands with Mitch McConnell or Kevin McCarthy damn that is
when asked why they wouldn't shake the Republican Leader's hands sitnick's mother said they're just
two-faced I'm just tired of them standing there and saying how wonderful the Capitol
Police is and then they turn around and go down to Mar-A-Lago and kiss his ring and
and by ring of course she means his how do I put this delicately butthole
speaking of which it was a very bad day for former president The Manchurian cantaloupe
you know it seems like that guy keeps breaking the law with no actual consequences well the
Khan is facing some quenches because earlier today a jury in New York found
two of the former president's companies guilty of all 17 counts of tax fraud and other crimes
is it raining
oh oh Santa you got my letter
I have never been more excited to talk about complex Financial crimes what happened was top
execs in the organization got around paying their fair share of taxes through a series
of schemes that included off the books perks like luxury cars and free Apartments because
nothing makes you look less guilty than giving all of your execs a getaway car and a hideout
the bad news the bad news is the former president himself isn't personally charged for now but court
Watchers say this case may lay the groundwork for the District Attorney's office to intensify
its wider criminal investigation into the former president's business practices and hush Money Paid
to a porn star and hopefully that will lead to the sexiest movie ever Donald does time
three
it took a while I know it when I see it thank you former president's biggest rival for the
GOP nomination is recently re-elected Florida governor and caveman at his Ted Talk explaining
some ants good for eat other ants make bite on face Ron DeSantis in an effort to raise some
cash heading into his second term DeSantis is offering VIP access to his inauguration starting
at fifty thousand dollars but if you're a real big spender donors who give one million dollars will
join DeSantis at a candlelight dinner the night before the inauguration of course it is not easy
to be at a candlelight dinner with Ron DeSantis because you have to keep explaining fire friend
no whoa no whoa fire make gay other donor benefits include joining the first lady
of Florida at something called a toast to one million mamas that's weird I thought a
toaster one million mamas was the campaign slogan for Herschel Walker there you go
what ow you're an easily whipped up mob I like it like most weeks it's been a rough
week for disgraced New York mayor and fugitive posing as a member of the Chuck E cheese band
Rudy Giuliani Rudy is currently in hot water with DC bar because he helped the
former president try to overthrow the 2020 election which is to use
a technical legal term illegal so the D.C bar is holding hearings to determine whether they
should suspend giuliani's D.C law license or go for disembarment well disembarments
no problem for Rudy if he can't get into a bar he'll drink in the parking lot happily
thank you
yesterday's hearing gave Rudy an opportunity to do some very Rudy stuff take a look at this
moment right after the chairperson announced a lunch break thank you
you know I have two watches on [Applause] oh
they seem weird but of course he wears two watches that way it's twice as likely to be five o'clock
somewhere 8 A.M 8 A.M that's a little too early for Cabernet or is it cheers to you broken Cassio
we got a great show for you tonight I'm taking you to the top of the world to visit the space force
[Music] thank you