A long, long time ago,
when the world was young
and gods still roamed the earth,
[Whoosh]
A small white hare
stood alone on the Isle of Oki.
He looked out in the distance and saw,
just at the edge of the horizon,
The Island
of Japan.
It called to him.
His heart was filled with desire
to see the mainland and walk its soil.
But alas,
the mainland was far away
and the water between him and it
very very deep.
But he was a clever hare.
Crafty,
if not always wise.
And he had
a plan.
The hare hops to the coast
and watches the waves roll in.
He takes a deep breath
and with as booming a voice as his small body can manage,
he calls out to the crocodiles of the sea,
"You think your tribe is great!
But you are nothing compared to the tribe of the hares!"
and for a moment,
nothing.
Then
the head
of one of the great
ferocious crocodiles emerges from the waves.
(Now keep in mind
these crocodiles are not like the crocodiles of today, but rather
mammoth creatures
fearsome and strange.)
And so the crocodile emerges
and says,
"Well,
I never!
That is quite rude young man.
We can both be great, you know."
But the hare
taunts them again
saying,
"There are so many more hares than crocodiles.
Your whole tribe
is barely more than a clan of us!"
By this point, a few more crocodiles have shown up
and they begin to turn amongst themselves,
calling the hare's statement,
"Preposterous"
and
"Absurd."
But then
a crafty gleam
came into the hare's eye
and he said,
"How about we resolve this once and for all?
Have your people
line up tail to tail
and I will count all of you
and then we'll see if I've been wrong"
To this completely reasonable and not at all strange proposal,
the crocodiles assented
and they lined up nose-to-tail as far as the eye could see.
Then the hare began to hop
from one to the other,
counting as he went.
"One,
two-hoo,
three..."
He went up and down the rows,
slowly making his way down the columns.
But then as he got to the final crocodile,
he began to laugh.
"Ha ha!"
At which the crocodile asked
"Whatever is so humorous Mr. Hare?"
and the hare responded,
"I tricked you!
I don't care which of our tribes are bigger!
I only wanted you to make a bridge
so I could walk from Oki to Japan!"
And with that,
he took a mighty leap
toward the shore.
But crocodiles are quick
and the hare was too ready with his boast.
For as he lept to dry land,
the last crocodile turned
and bit at him.
Its mighty jaws
snapped closed on his fur.
Just barely catching the hair in its vice-like grip.
But
the hare's jump was so strong
and the crocodile's grip
so firm,
that all of the fur on the hares body
ripped away.
He lay on the beach
rolling in agony
nakeder than the day he was born.
After a while,
he heard a rumble in the ground
and saw a dust cloud approaching.
Then,
a troop of men appeared on the horizon.
There were eighty of them.
By this point the hare was very good at counting.
Each was very tall
and with a bearing as such,
it was clear that they were at least part divine.
So he cried out to them
and asked them what he should do.
They just laughed
and shouted back,
"I got this bro."
You must wash yourself in the sea,
then go to the mountain side
and let the wind dry you.
He he he..."
So he rushed to the water's edge
and washed himself in the sea.
The salt stung him.
His hide
burned like fire.
Desperate to get it off,
he went to the mountain side and stood in the howling wind.
But rather than alleviate the pain,
the wind just dried the water and left the salt to crack his skin.
And so in torment,
he lay there.
Until at last
he saw one final straggler from the troop of gods.
This one was unlike the others, as he was laden down with bags and boxes,
stooping under the weight of everything he carried.
This deity was nearly on top of the hare before he saw him, his vision obscured by all the bags.
But when he did see him, he stopped and said,
"Small hare, what brings you to lay in pain on this mountainside?"
The hare then told him what the other gods had said. The straggler responded
"Oh, ah. Those are my half-brothers.
We traveled together to see who might marry the Princess of Yagami
and they have asked me to carry their bags for them.
Sometimes they can be...unwise.
I would recommend that you go bathe in the river water
and then roll yourself in the cattails that stand by the side of the stream."
The hare thanked the straggler
and immediately scampered off to do this.
As soon as he hit the water the fresh cool stream began to soothe his burning skin.
And after he washed all the salt off,
he climbed up on the river's bank
and found a clump of cattails.
He dove into it
and began to roll around on the soft plants.
To his surprise,
the thick brown heads of the plants
turned into a fluffy white down,
which started to stick to his damp skin.
By the time he stood up, he was covered.
He had a new coat. He was whole again.
So he bounded off to catch up with the kind god that had instructed him true.
At last he saw the sack laden figure against the horizon
and racing to him said
"None of your brothers will win the heart of the Princess of Yagami.
Though you carry the bags,
you will be first in love!"
So join us next time
to see if this
hare-y prophecy
turns out to be true.
Legendary thanks to patron Kyle Murgatroyd.