Opposites do attract.
So let's talk about the science behind love
and is there any way that someone can find themselves a better partner?
Yes. Yes? We knows so much more
about the science of love than we did even ten or fifteen years ago.
In fact I just wrote a book called Love Sense
that talks about that and talked about it as a revolution.
You know, we've had a revolution in parenting in the last forty years
from studying bonds and what happens between the bonds between mother and
child.
Now the same thing is happening, we're applying all that knowledge
to the love between romantic partners. So
what we know for example, is that when you fall in love
you are flooded with this cuddle hormone called
oxytocin that is only happens in mammals
who bond to stay together, who protect, groom each other
and stay together for a long time and really rear very vulnerable young.
So this is a very - it's almost like the chemistry about brain
developed and so that we could survive and bond and take care
of our young. So we know a lot about it and we know
now that the most important thing in love relationships,
is emotional responsiveness. What do you mean by that?
What I mean is, the most important question in love relationships is: are
you there for
me can? I depend on you? Love is an ancient wired in survival code
designed to keep the people you love close to you
so you can depend on them, and its wired into our brains that way.
So are you there for me? Can I turn and get you
to tune into me respond to me? That's how we need to check out
whether we found a mate or not. And sex is an important part
orgasm releases oxytocin as well
I
and so on that's like an extra burst that couples also need to take care of
so on that cuddling time that comes to sexuality just reinforces the
whole experience.
and the couples who stay together and have the bond and encourage the
emotional responsiveness
and have a sexual relationship that is
responsive and a tune to each other, yes they're the ones who end up with
synchrony sex where they can actually
read in each other the anticipation of the other person's emotional
and sexual energy. I think is becoming a lot less a mystery and it's good that we
can't we have some science behind
some of what we're doing working with couples and
helping them create that bond and keep that bond
and oxytocin is the same chemical that's released when we
talk about mothers having babies - it's the same thing.
And I think in men they've identified vasopressin and that comes from
bonding
and physical closeness
so it could be physical but it can also be
your emotional expression having someone responsive to you
bring about these out these hormones as well. I like to think about like
why do we get attracted to that particular person and not someone else?
A lot of people think is just like mysterious but
it's actually not, I think there's an unconscious blueprint that attracts us
towards certain partners
and not others, and I think there's something very in important about that
understanding that I think we get attracted to people
but for one side something in common with us we have some
common values, but if the other side them actually something different
their differences of certain aspects and we get attracted to them because we want to
attract something into our lives.
For example, if one person is more reliable and stable and logical
allot of time, they get attracted to someone who's more passionate than
an emotional and spontaneous because they feel that both of us together
will be better than just each one of us separately, we want to bring something in.
The problem also though, is that the same differences can also cause you to later
on to have conflict and arguments.
Right. So you have to learn to bring them in rather than make them an obstacle.
So opposites do, and
you know, it's all those psychological but it's also chemistry.
And some the studies suggest that it's our sense of smell
and since women tend to have a better sense of smell, it actually women who are
checking out
the men before the men even know.
So that's a really important part of it because it is a very very physical
experience for human beings. We need
that connection but need it close
within our sphere, and within our zone. I agree with that.
You're gonna meet whose around you, the person you're going
to be far away is never gonna see them
but I think not assuming well that I just have chemistry with that person
that person's my soulmate,
I think you've got a you peel back the layers to see do you have the same value
system
is that person responsible you? If that person that you just described
doesn't respond when you do express your needs,
hopefully that will signal to you that either there's a problem
or time to move on to somebody else don't keep trying.
So it sounds like if someone looking to find better love, there's a lot of chemical
cocktail going on.
That's gonna draw them to people, but if they want to pick a better partner,
know thyself, keep their eyes open, pay attention to who's around them,
know their values and by all means pay attention to who turns in
and looks to you and is open to what you're looking for.
Yes.
well