So, you’re dating a guy and things are going great.
He’s bright, confident, comfortable in his own skin, and overall, he’s pretty good company.
Then, why do you feel so drained at the end of every date?
Maybe it’s because he hasn’t expressed one bit of curiosity about your life.
So, while you’re getting to know him, he’s not getting to know you.
What’s that about? What can you do about it? Stick around and I’ll explain.
I’m Evan Marc Katz, dating coach for smart, strong, successful women and your personal
trainer for love. Welcome to the Love U Podcast. Keep listening to discover why men don’t ask you
questions when you’re dating. When we’re done, I’ll let you know how you can apply to Love
U to create a passionate relationship that makes you feel safe, heard, and understood.
I’ve been spending a lot of time, maybe a disproportionate amount of time, thinking about
this question for a while due to some real life circumstances that have impacted me.
I want to begin this dating conversation with a couple of anecdotes that parallel this situation
because this isn't just a dating thing. This is a people thing. This is a people skills thing.
First, we met some new folks in the neighborhood, they were really lovely, kids were playing, and we
had them over to our house. We sat in the backyard for a couple hours, had some drinks, and some
appetizers while the kids played. And they were really entertaining and had a good sense of humor.
They were definitely our people. And I discovered at the end of two hours that it was remarkable
that I could tell you where they're from, what they do, when they move to our part of town,
what grade their kid is, what kind of school, and what they're doing. I got the whole story.
I was curious about them. They don't know that I'm a dating coach. I'm not kidding.
We went that entire two hours and we didn't even get off L.A. question number one, what do you
do for a living? And I was confused because I really liked them. But it was off-putting the
fact that we spent that much time and I was on fire conversationally asking them questions and
follow up questions, nothing. And then, I'm also left with the case of my wife's family. And I like
my wife's family. I mean, part of it for nearly 15 years. But they also seem to suffer from that same
lack of curiosity about me, where I can go hang out with them over Thanksgiving or Christmas,
feel like I could pick up and leave the room and no one would notice.
No one's ever asked me what I'm working on at work or how I'm enjoying being a dad,
it's strange. It's just a strange dynamic. And so, with them, I'm like a talk show host.
I'm like I'm steering the conversation. I'm asking questions and doing follow up
and they are the guest who's on stage. And once they're done talking to me,
conversation stops until I come up with something to say. So, again, the neighbors, it's no big
deal. I mean, I like them, but if we never have a conversation again, we'll all be fine.
My wife's family is this ongoing saga, so it makes it closer to the dating conversation. How
could you be close with someone who doesn't express curiosity? And you don’t have to
want to be the center of attention to know that someone is not getting who
you are. They see you as a conduit to something else. You represent something that they could
project things onto, but they're not seeing you as you if they're not asking any questions.
None of this makes me angry but, it doesn’t make me look forward to the interaction either.
I’m going to bring this back to you, because this is how you feel when you're dating an incurious
guy. He's there. You seem to be enjoying yourself. He seems to be enjoying himself
on paper. But how could he like you if he's taken zero effort to get to know you? And since I can't
interview the incurious and get their opinion on why they don't ask questions and why they're
such bad conversationalists, I've taken the time to come up with a couple of theories. I
want to just float these theories relatively quickly in time for a ten-minute podcast.
Number one, certain families and cultures just don’t ask questions. I come from a New York Jewish
family. When the extended family got together a few times a year, it was a free for all - lots of
conversation, no holds barred, no doubting what anybody’s thinking. There’s a certain
dynamism being brought up in an environment where you’re encouraged to speak your mind.
I know full well, have been around this planet long enough, and talk to enough clients
with environments where that's not encouraged, where kids are to be seen and not heard, or any
topic that might be considered controversial. The dinner table is squelched because we don't
want to upset anybody. So, there's a cultural thing, too, how people engage in conversation.
Number two, certain individuals within cultures (we're not just talking about the culture now,
we're talking about individuals), think asking questions is somehow invasive or prying.
I don't understand this logic. I'm just positing this theory. I guess it means that they wouldn't
want to be asked questions themselves because it feels too personal. If you don't want to
have someone to ask you a question, you don't ask a question. And everybody can be polite,
but they don't realize that not asking questions is also a form of
being impolite. I think it's just treating people at a distance.
Some of the relationships I have with my wife's family can sometimes feel like
I'm meeting someone in real life at a party or having an interaction with someone at a grocery
store, which is very formal, what's your name? So, how about those chargers? What are you up to this
weekend? Beautiful weather we're having. Did you see the last Saturday Night Live? It's all very
surfacy. And I don't always get much of a charge out of that, especially with someone
that I would think I should know better. But maybe they're just thinking that they're being polite.
Number three, people like to hear themselves talk more than they like to listen. And this
is a commonplace phenomenon. As a guy who's been expressing his opinions online for two decades,
I'm not above liking the sound of my own voice, theoretically. Now, most people, when they're
in conversation, tend to listen for a break in the conversation where they can insert their two
cents and steer the story back to themselves. I don't think that's personal. When people do that,
when they hijack the story, people just want to be heard to express themselves.
In Love U, to feel safe, heard, and understood, the more I could share myself with you,
the more you can appreciate me, the more I feel close to you. That's the dynamic.
The problem is that it hasn't occurred to many people that other people want to be heard to
pick up how to win friends and influence people by Dale Carnegie. That book is nearly
one hundred years old and it's still timeless wisdom. The best way to make people like you
is to ask people questions and be enthusiastic about their answers.
Tell me more. I recently actually listened to a Michael Lewis podcast, and he interviewed a woman
who taught a class at Harvard Business School. And I think the joking name of the class was
“How to Talk Gooder.” That was off the top of my head. But what this how to talk gooder class does
is turn conversation into science. And the one takeaway I got from that podcast,
the pro tip for you today, it's not just about that first question. What do you do?
It's the follow up question that really gets you on someone's good side. It lets that person know
you're actually engaged in the answer, that you're listening, and that you want to hear more.
Number four theory, men feel it's their job to impress you. They're simply not as concerned
about whether you're going to impress them. So, when a guy's got ninety minutes to make a first
impression, he'll often go into his standard dating sales pitch trying to wow you with what
he thinks are his most important attributes. I'm not saying this works well. I'm saying it's what
we see guys do. He doesn't always realize that talking the entire time, even if he's interesting,
is a turnoff. In his mind, he's giving you the information that you need to make a decision to
choose him for a second date, meaning that he's not necessarily a bad guy or a toxic narcissist.
He just hasn't had a dating coach. Tell him to listen as much as he talks.
Number five, the last theory I have is that, again, I want to say this
gently. Men just don't care what you have to say. And I know it's not a good look to admit this,
but I also think it's more than. The truth is, and I've mentioned this many
times before. Men are not as concerned with what you do for a living, what your hobbies are, how
impressive you are, or where you went to school. They're concerned with how you make them feel.
Do you make them feel accepted? Do you make them feel appreciated? Do you make them feel admired?
If so, you could sit silently at a dinner table smiling and nodding and he'll think he was on
the best date ever. Not something I'm proud of saying, but something that bears mentioning.
So what do you do about this?
You can gently point out that he hasn’t asked you anything and see if he takes the bait.
You can interject yourself into the conversation and tell him about you
instead of waiting for him to ask you a question.
But the real question isn’t for him; it’s for you:
How important is it for you to feel heard and understood?
There’s no right answer.
In Love U, we have a few core tenets.
One is that men do what they want. Another is that you can’t change men.
That means that if a man isn’t asking about you,
it’s because he doesn’t care. And if you don’t like it, you’re better off finding a
guy who gets it instead of trying to turn an incurious person into a curious one.
I’m Evan Marc Katz. Thank you for tuning in to the Love U Podcast. For more episodes like this on
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