hi i'm nicholeen peck and i'm actually
an expert of parenting teenagers for
many years we took troubled youth into
our home
to do treatment foster care they were
all between the ages of 12
and 18 years old and we taught them
how to govern themselves
now these children that came into our
home had a variety of different issues
that they were working through
and so there were many things that
needed to be disciplined
what i'd like to share with you in this
video is how to discipline
a teenager for bad behavior
people are getting really creative with
trying to teach their teenagers lessons
in fact i don't know if you've noticed
but in recent years there have been
some youtube videos that have shown some
parents being
pretty mean to their teenagers sometimes
taking guns and blowing holes and
devices
and things like that just to try to
teach their teenager
how to behave themselves on a device i
guess
you're going to have to forgive me for
not using the word teenager probably
very
often throughout the rest of this video
and that's because i don't
like the word teenager i would rather
call them youth
or young man or young woman and the
reason why is because
prior to world war ii a youth
a young man or a young woman were the
terms that were always used to describe
what we would now call teenagers in fact
before world war
ii the word teenager was a derogatory
term
that meant a child who was misbehaving
not doing things properly a youth that
was not
turning out if you know what i mean so i
feel like
it's more respectful to say youth and
that's just how i've trained myself to
talk so
we're still talking about people in the
teenage years
in this video but i just want to prepare
you for that
so let's talk about some of the things
that parents are doing right now to try
to get
their youth's attention so
some parents are taking things away this
is very common taking away
car privileges taking away phones
or devices taking away all kinds of
things to try to make their child
feel the pain of missing
something that the parent feels like
that will make an
impact on them or inspire them to make
some sort of change
but when you take things away that's
actually just a power struggle
and it's manipulative it feels like it
and it's going to encourage
your youth to start fighting with you
power struggles are not the way to
discipline your youth
they need to have someone who is a good
leader
pointing the way not just trying to
intimidate
cause them anxiety fear worry those
things
actually increase dishonesty which we
definitely don't need
during the years where they need to have
open communication with
us more than any other time when i
was a parent of a of the foster children
they were all between the ages of 12
and 18 years old i did that for a number
of years
and i learned a lot about those years
of adolescence when the youth
really need the direction the love and
the bonding
that comes from good parental
communication
and connection another thing that is not
effective while parenting youth and
disciplining youth
is surprises i think parents
love to surprise their children because
of the shock value
they feel like if they can shock their
child then possibly the child will be
inspired to change because
they won't know what's coming next
surprises aren't good in fact they
increase anxiety if there's one thing we
know right now in society
it's that children youth especially are
struggling with anxiety and coping with
anxiety more than ever before
or maybe we just know about it more in
fact when they go through adolescence
and puberty
their hormone levels are changing at
such rapid rates
that that alone increases their anxiety
so why would we spend our time as
parents
trying to shock them that doesn't help
in fact the youth that came to my home
had been
in other placements where it had been
more aggressive
more shocking and they weren't thriving
that's why they paid for higher level
care to bring them to a treatment home
which was my home
and when things were planned and
predictable
and they understood what was expected of
them and how things would be corrected
and that no one was going to ever get
angry they had peace
they had trust they bonded they opened
up
and their hearts changed i am known
for my teaching self-government program
where i teach parents and children how
to govern their own behaviors
part of self-government is changing your
heart
desiring with your heart to be a
different version of yourself
than you currently are hoping for a
better version to come out
with adjustments that's what happened to
the youth that came to my home
i have four children of my own and all
of them now
have gone through adolescence and so i
can tell you
that what we are going to talk about
with how to discipline youth
in this video is going to be life
changing
there are three things that you need to
pre-teach your youth
number one skills they need to know the
skills
that will help them succeed in our
family we
teach youth four basic skills following
instructions
accepting no answers accepting
consequences
and disagreeing appropriately each one
of these four basic skills
has a skill set attached to it for
instance to accept a no answer or
criticism that's all the same skill
you look at the person keep a calm face
voice and body
say okay or ask to disagree
appropriately
and then drop the subject how many times
do you have to tell your youth
no for something or how many times is
there a boundary that they shouldn't
cross
many times so this skill comes in really
handy
if they are pre-taught the skills before
they
ever need them then they will be able to
draw upon them to solve their problems
when problems occur just because i
taught my children how to follow
instructions accept no answers
accept consequences and disagree
appropriately that doesn't mean they
never had a problem
no their children still their youth
they're going to experiment with things
and they
are going to make mistakes but i knew
exactly the step to pinpoint when the
problem occurred
and so did they because we already had
pre-planned
that these were the skills that we
needed to use to govern ourselves
and find the maximum amount of freedom
the second thing that you need to
pre-teach
is corrections so how are you going to
correct the children
they need to know that word for
word they need to know everything that
you will say to them
when it is time for them to have a
correction i tell my children i will
describe what happened
describe what should have happened give
you a rationale for why you should make
that change
tell you what you earned then give you
an opportunity to accept your
consequence
then we will practice things three times
so that you get a lot of practice at
doing things the right way
then you'll get to do your consequence
and all the way along i will praise you
we practice it they pretend that they're
me and we role play it
and i'm the child and they do this the
correction skill
and then we switch it around and i'm the
adult in there
the youth and we practice and role play
that skill
they know it backward and forward and
i'm not afraid to use it
i use it all the time because of that
they're not afraid
of corrections they're not afraid of
someone disciplining
them in fact discipline is really best
done by yourself
when a person learns self-government
they are
self-disciplining themselves so really
the best thing that parents can offer
their children
is a framework is a structure
that tells the child this is when a
correction needs to happen
now you need to discipline yourself
that's really the better way to think
about correcting our children
and helping them get through those
troublesome negative behaviors that they
stumble on from time to time the third
thing that we need to pre-teach our
children
is something called the rule of three
now i wish i could go into comprehensive
teaching
of this particular skill for you right
now we don't have time but i'm going to
give you the premise of it
so the rule of three is what we do when
a child decides to go completely out of
control
we call it out of instructional control
in the teaching self-government program
what that means is a child is not
willing to follow
any instruction so let's say i give a
child an instruction but they don't want
to do it
they don't keep a calm face voice in
body they don't say okay or disagree
appropriately
they don't do any of those or or they
miss one even just one
of those five steps of following an
instruction
at that point i do a regular correction
which i described to you earlier
at if they don't choose to accept their
negative consequence when i do that
correction
then we start with something called the
rule of three and it starts
with a pre-teach i say to them
it seems to me that you might be out of
instructional control
and i often tell them ahead of time i
know you want to tell me something
i want to know what that is we need to
have a discussion about this
but we've got to choose to be calm first
then we can talk about it
i have a cardinal rule the cardinal rule
is we will not discuss a problem until
everybody is calm
that means me and them everyone must be
calm
if you're not calm then you're in the
wrong part of your brain to sort out a
problem or make plans for a future
you have to be in front brain in the
prefrontal cortex in order to
actually solve your problem well and
make an impact on
future decisions so the emotional part
of the brain is
mid and back if you are in one of those
areas you're not going to accomplish
anything
by talking about it so then the
direction i point is
let's go to calmness that's the whole
reason that we do the rule of three
the rule of three is basically something
that we do
to point the direction toward calmness
to get them calm and
ready to discuss what needs to be
corrected
so we do three things three times we do
a pre-teach an instruction and then a
correction
and they get the opportunity to earn
three negative consequences during that
interaction if they don't choose to do
the steps which are five steps
to following an instruction so basically
in order to stop the rule of three from
happening
and in order to stop those consequences
from occurring
they just have to look at the person
keep a calm face voice and body
say okay or ask to disagree
appropriately
do the task immediately and then check
back after you do all the pre-teaching
then what's left is follow-through
you've got to be consistent
if you're not consistent with your youth
then they will manipulate you
they'll just start playing the system
that you're giving them which is a
little bit on a little bit off they'll
say
is this a good day for mom or dad or is
this a bad day
do i have to behave today do i have to
be respectful today
do i need to connect with them today
consistency
follow through you've pre-taught all
these things now do them the most
important thing
that you should remember through all of
this through your consistency and
through all of the teaching and
correcting that you're going to be doing
for these youth
is your bond to them your relationship
your heart being calm and feeling like
everything's okay
you're feeling a love toward them even
though complete strangers came into my
home for parenting
i decided to love to deeply love them
as if they were my own that way
i could truly advocate for them having a
change of heart
if you want them to have a change of
behavior and a change of heart
your heart has to be in the right place
first so
make sure that you are bonding to them
and not allowing yourself to be
bugged by them if you're bugged by them
then you're in a selfish place you're
taking it personally
and you will not be able to help them
have the change of heart
that they need there are so many more
things that i could share with you
and there's a video i think that you're
gonna like the video is in a link up
here in the top corner called
how to raise happy healthy
self-confident children
i think you'll like it click on that now
you