But she should get mugged. That would be very Parisian.
At least feel people,
other people's hands in her pockets.
That's very, that happens a lot.
She needs to hold on to her phone.
-Is that too mean? Okay. -Oui.
Baguette. Croissant.
Je suis French. Bonjour. Bonjour. Oh la la.
-Do you want your hat? -No, I don't want...
This all looks a little bit too much like congrés,
like a Marine Le Pen meeting.
Too many French flags. I almost said "bonjour".
Hi, I'm Marie. I'm French. I live in Paris.
I'm Anaïs and I live in Paris.
Which doesn't quite rhyme,
but still rhymes more than "Emily in Paris".
I'm here to watch this show and react to it.
Hope we'll change your mind about French culture today.
We probably won' t but it's fine.
Paris is not a romantic city.
When you live there,
there's not much that's romantic about it.
They are very wrong about accordions.
The water in the Seine is not blue.
It's not even like green.
It's this like mushy brown
and it's filled with like radioactive waste.
Never dive in the Seine, first of all.
-Bad water. Yeah. -You'll die.
It's like "American" is written on her forehead.
Hi.
-That is very realistic. -I, I don't agree.
'Cause like we do say "hi".
We'd say 'hi" more than Americans.
Americans don't say "hi" when they get into stores
or stuff like this. We have basic politeness.
I disagree. Profoundly.
Usually, you would have
like half of this staircase falling down
and then you would have
little pieces of paper everywhere in the building,
like writing where it might collapse
at some point.
'Cause all buildings are...
What buildings do you go to?
Voilà. Your magnificent chambre de bonne.
That is so not a chambre de bonne.
Chambre de bonne is like super tiny.
You basically can have breakfast,
take a shower, and sleep at the same time
in the same space.
And you don't have three windows.
You're lucky if you have one full window, so...
Oh my God!
I feel like Nicole Kidman in Moulin Rouge!.
Sure. This'd be madly expensive...
-Oui. -...to live there, right?
Yeah. They used to cut people's heads there
during the revolution. It's true. True story.
So, you don't have a boyfriend in Paris?
We've better looking people than this.
Like, is he supposed to be a hot French man?
It is.
Well, that's the problem with Americans.
Each time they see a Frenchman with an accent,
they think he's hot
and most of the time they're not.
She wears way too many colours.
Like, she's sticking out like a sore thumb.
I like her clothes.
But her shoes.
Like she would already be in the hospital
wearing those shoes in Paris.
We have cobblestones everywhere.
-Yeah. -You can't wear this.
We open at 10:30.
-10:30. -That never happens.
-Nowhere. Nowhere. -Yeah.
Everyone's at the office at like 08:50.
-Yeah. Max. -Everywhere. Yeah.
Bonjour.
I love her. Very stylish. And she's mean.
Do you wanna have lunch?
No.
No. I'll have a cigarette.
That is so cliche.
So, was she eating a whole Camembert for lunch?
Yes.
That's why they don't wanna eat with her.
-Can you imagine? -Yeah.
-Do you love it? -Oh yes, of course.
I love Paris, but the people...
-It's always grey. -So mean.
That's true.
We are mean.
Chinese people are mean behind your back.
French people, mean to your face.
-Yes. -Yes.
That's the way to be mean.
If you have to be mean, be mean to people's faces.
Don't be mean behind their backs.
That's just mean.
Aw, that's not nice. But I kinda get it.
Bonjour, la plouc.
That is very mean.
And that wouldn't happen. We're not that mean.
No one would call, like, "Hey, redneck".
No. We would say that on the WhatsApp group...
Yeah. We would say like, "She's such a plouc",
like on the private group.
I guess we are not mean to people's faces.
Like we're mean behind their backs, like...
No one's gonna call someone
who dresses like that a plouc.
-That's not what a plouc is. -No.
No, we'd say nouveau riche.
-You're a connasse. -No, American...
You never flirt with another woman
in front of your mistress.
It's worse than in front of your wife.
I've seen many people flirt with another woman
-in front of their mistress. -Who has mistresses?
-Everyone. -Who're these French people?
That's not true. Stop spreading lies.
No, but what she's saying is that you shouldn't flirt
with another woman in front of your mistress.
You can do it in front of your spouse,
but not your mistress.
That's weird.
That's just a dumb rule. That's not a thing.
Yeah.
Just flirt, you know?
Yeah. Flirting,
that's like part of the French constitution.
This steak isn't cooked at all.
Pardon, monsieur?
It should be bloody.
-I mean rare. -Order it blue.
That's the way we do it.
Just make sure to never order the ris de veau.
Ris de veau so good, though.
Oh, it's perfect, yes.
Think it's brains or balls, but it tastes like ass.
No, it doesn't taste like ass.
Come on. Customer is always right.
Customer is never right in Paris.
Unless he is agreeing with the owner and waiter.
Yes.
Customer service is bad in France. True.
They don't work for tips like they do in the US.
-'Cause we have labour laws. -Exactly.
And you won't get salmonella if you eat raw meat.
-No. -'Cause our meat is good.
If you do get salmonella, do not sue us.
It's always nice. Never rains in this Paris.
Paris is so pretty.
Makes me wanna live there. And I already do.
She's the woman who thinks Macron is hot in that show.
I can't sleep...
Oh my God.
-That is accurate, though. -Yes.
Like I've seen many men
pee on the streets over the past year.
No, sorry. That's my bad. I, you're peeing
and that's a urinal.
-Au revoir, monsieur. -Bonne journée.
If you really wanna be accurate,
you have to show them jerking off too.
'Cause that happens a lot in Paris.
In the middle of the streets.
Now that's France for you. Without the running.
Yeah, exactly.
-That's very accurate. -Yeah.
French cars will kill you.
But French men will do that to you.
That's not true.
I'm on a train.
This is not a French train.
I don't know where they found this train, but--
This is a theme park.
No one's ever taken a train like this in France.
-I mean, maybe... -Not since the 50s.
-And even then. -Yeah.
All I want for her is to go on the metro
to take a TGV, a Ouigo,
a cheap TGV, a cheap train.
- Un Intercité. - Un Intercité.
I want her to know the real struggle
-of moving around France. -Yeah.
Although, we do have a great train system,
but like, it's not luxurious like this.
No. Behind him, that's a real train.
-Yeah. -That's a real train,
but what are they in? This is not...
It looks like the Orient Express,
-but that's so dramatic. -Yeah.
-Wait, where are you going? -That's French, though.
I'm not going to Saint-Tropez
with a girl in love with someone else.
You're not going to Saint-Tropez at all
because there are no trains that go to Saint-Tropez,
so...
-Not this one. -Check the itinerary.
I love her look. Camille's look.
Yeah. I want that jacket.
He's just busy with the new restaurant.
Does anyone have a euro for la dame pipi?
Dame pipi? No.
We haven't see dame pipi since the eighties.
Like, I think I saw three in my life.
Like dame pipi...
Well, there are some in the train stations,
but not at a restaurant that is that fancy.
Also, we don't call them dame pipi.
That's very rude.
-Yeah. Literally means... -Call her "the nice lady".
...lady peepee.
That's it for now. Thanks for watching.
And we hope we rectified some misconceptions
you guys might have about Paris.
-Come to Paris. -Don't!
Please don't. Too many tourists right now.
It's traumatic.