WELCOME ONE AND ALL IN HERE, OUT THERE, ALL AROUND THE WORLD TO
"THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
THIS IS, WITHOUT A DOUBT, A TROUBLING TIME, WHAT WITH THE
PANDEMIC AND NOW A BRUTAL, UNPROVOKED WAR IN EUROPE.
BUT EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE THERE'S A GLEAM OF SUNSHINE IN
THE WORLD, A CHILD'S SMILE, THE FIRST FLOWER OF SPRING, THE
JANUARY 6th COMMITTEE LAYING OUT POTENTIAL CRIMINAL CHARGES
AGAINST THE FORMER PRESIDENT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) TURNS OUT, THERE'S A CHANCE THAT
TRYING TO VIOLENTLY OVERTHROW OUR DEMOCRACY MIGHT BE ILLEGAL.
THE POTENTIAL CHARGE AGAINST THE FORMER PRESIDENT AND HIS
CAMPAIGN IS "CRIMINAL CONSPIRACY TO DEFRAUD THE UNITED STATES."
TO PARAPHRASE AN IDIOT AND HIS BLOODTHIRSTY MOB:
LOCK HIM UP!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( CHANTING LOCK HIM UP )
>> Stephen: WOW, WOW!
I'VE NEVER HAD MY OWN BLOOD THIRSTY MOB BEFORE.
( LAUGHTER ) I GET THE APPEAL, I HAVE TO SAY.
THIS INFORMATION COMES FROM A CIVIL COURT FILING INVOLVING
DISGRACED LAWYER JOHN EASTMAN, SEEN HERE STARRING IN "INDIANA
JONES AND THE TRICKLE OF FLOMAX."
( LAUGHTER ) EASTMAN WAS THE LEGAL GENIUS
BEHIND THE THEORY THAT, AFTER A FREE AND FAIR ELECTION
VICE PRESIDENT MIKE PENCE HAD THE POWER UNDER THE CONSTITUTION
TO DECLARE, "PSYCH!" ( LAUGHTER )
NATURALLY, THE COMMITTEE WANTS ALL OF EASTMAN'S RELEVANT
DOCUMENTS AND EMAILS.
SO FAR, HE'S TURNED OVER LESS THAN HALF OF THEM, CITING
ATTORNEY-CLIENT PRIVILEGE, BUT THOSE CLAIMS WERE UNDERCUT
BECAUSE EASTMAN HASN'T BEEN ABLE TO PROVE HE WAS EVER HIRED BY
THE FORMER PRESIDENT.
IN FACT, AN "ENGAGEMENT LETTER" THAT EASTMAN PRODUCED LAST WEEK
WAS UNSIGNED.
NOT THE FIRST TIME THE EX-PREZ BAILED ON AN ENGAGEMENT.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT THE MORE IMPORTANT ARGUMENT
THE COMMITTEE IS MAKING HERE, IS THAT EASTMAN'S "CLAIM OF
PRIVILEGE WAS POTENTIALLY VOIDED BY THE "CRIME/FRAUD EXCEPTION,"
WHICH HOLDS THAT COMMUNICATIONS NEED NOT BE KEPT CONFIDENTIAL IF
AN ATTORNEY IS FOUND TO BE ASSISTING THEIR CLIENT IN THE
COMMISSION OF A CRIME."
THAT SEEMS PRETTY REASONABLE.
YOUR LAWYER CAN'T BE AN ACCESSORY TO YOUR CRIME.
WE LEARNED THAT IN THE DRAMATIC EPISODE WHERE THEY
FOUND MATLOCK WITH A FRIDGE FULL OF HUMAN FEET.
( LAUGHTER ) THE COMMITTEE SAYS THEY HAVE
EVIDENCE THAT THE FORMER PRESIDENT KNEW HE WAS COMMITTING
FRAUD, THANKS TO THE TESTIMONY OF FORMER WHITE HOUSE ADVISER
AND SOFT-BOILED GUY FIERI JASON MILLER.
ACCORDING TO MILLER, THE FORMER PRESIDENT WAS WELL AWARE THAT
HIS MONTHS OF ASSERTIONS ABOUT A STOLEN ELECTION WERE FALSE,
BECAUSE HE HAD BEEN TOLD SOON AFTER ELECTION DAY, BY A
CAMPAIGN DATA EXPERT "IN PRETTY BLUNT TERMS" THAT HE WAS GOING
TO LOSE.
HOW BLUNT?
IF THE MESSAGE WAS DELIVERED VIA ANYTHING MORE COMPLICATED THAN
"SCRATCH 'N SNIFF," I DON'T THINK IT GOT THROUGH.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SCRATCH AND SNIFF.
>> Jon: SCRATCH AND SNIFF.
MMM.
>> Stephen: SPEAKING OF LEADERS LYING TO THEIR PEOPLE...
VLADIMIR PUTIN.
SO FAR, HIS INVASION HAS BEEN AN EMBARRASSMENT TO MOTHER RUSSIA.
SO TODAY, HE MET WITH HIS SECURITY COUNCIL, AND HE MADE
THIS SURPRISING CLAIM: >> (TRANSLATED): I WOULD LIKE
TO SAY THAT SPECIAL MILITARY OPERATION IS BEING CONDUCTED
STRICTLY IN ACCORDANCE TO THE PLAN AND SCHEDULE.
>> STEPHEN: (AS PUTIN) "IT'S TRUE.
I'VE WRITTEN IT ALL ON LIST: PHASE 1: INVADE.
PHASE 2: WORLD HATE US.
PHASE 3: MONEY IN WALLET TURN TO DUST.
PHASE 4: VICTORY.
CELEBRATE WITH 'FUDGIE THE WHALE' CAKE."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) FURNLGY THE TURNIP?
FUDGY THE WHALE TURNIP?
ONE OF THE REASONS THE INVASION'S NOT GOING ACCORDING
TO PUTIN'S PLAN IS BECAUSE ORDINARY UKRAINIANS ARE JOINING
THE FIGHT-- LIKE ONE UKRAINIAN COSTUME DESIGNER WHO IS USING
HER MOVIE INDUSTRY SKILLS, NOT TO DRESS ACTORS, BUT TO SOURCE
UNIFORMS, SHOES, HELMETS, GLOVES, BODY ARMOR, AND KNEE
PADS.
I'M NOT SURPRISED.
EVERYONE IN SHOWBIZ KNOWS THERE'S NO ONE TOUGHER OR
MORE RESOURCEFUL THAN THE WARDROBE DEPARTMENT.
EVERY DAY, I SHOW UP IN A FLEECE VEST CRUSTED WITH CHILI STAINS,
AND THEY TRANSFORM ME INTO THIS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THEY'VE GOT TO USE AN ICE
SCRAPER TO SCRAPE ME OUT.
AND, LISTEN TO THIS WOMAN: >> WE WANT TO JUST LIVE HERE ON
OUR OWN LAND, YES, TO MAKE OUR OWN MISTAKES, TO HAVE OUR OWN,
MAYBE CORRUPTED GOVERNMENT, BUT THE ONE THAT WE ELECT.
>> STEPHEN: YES.
DEMOCRACY'S ALL ABOUT HAVING THE RIGHT TO ELECT AND THEN HATE
YOUR OWN LEADERS.
ASK ANY MAYOR OF NEW YORK CITY.
THAT WOMAN ALSO INTRODUCED US TO THE NEXT GENERATION OF UKRAINIAN
PATRIOTS.
>> IT FEELS LIKE ALL 44 MILLION PEOPLE IN UKRAINE-- YOUNG AND
OLD, MEN AND WOMEN-- EVERYBODY IS UNITED.
EVERYBODY IS A SOLDIER.
>> YES.
THIS IS WHAT IS HAPPENING.
YES.
EVEN THIS BABY IS A SOLDIER, I THINK.
>> Stephen: THAT WOMAN IS UNBELIEVABLY TOUGH AND
ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
ANYONE WHO'S HAD A BABY KNOWS THEY ARE SMALL BUT RELENTLESS
OPPONENTS, AND FEARLESS MASTERS OF SLEEP DEPRIVATION TORTURE.
"OH, MOMMY, YOU WANT TO SLEEP?
YES?
WELL, WELL US WHERE THE BINKY IS.
NO, NO, NOT THAT ONE.
I WANT THE BLUE ONE THIS TIME.
WHOA.
WHAT IS THIS THING?!
THERE'S ANOTHER!
TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW ABOUT THESE!
MMM, THEY TASTE GOOD.
FOOT!" ( LAUGHTER )
SEEING THAT WOMAN SPEAKING WITH HER BABY IN HER ARMS,
REMINDS YOU OF THE HUMAN COST OF ALL OF THIS.
THESE ARE ORDINARY PEOPLE TRYING TO GO ABOUT THEIR LIVES,
WHILE A VICIOUS PSYCHOPATH UNLEASHES MODERN WEAPONS OF WAR
AGAINST THEM.
AND IT CAN MAKE YOU FEEL HELPLESS TO SEE THIS HUMAN
SUFFERING.
BUT THERE ARE THINGS WE CAN DO.
THERE'S A LIST OF ORGANIZATIONS YOU CAN DONATE TO, PINNED TO THE
TOP OF OUR TWITTER PAGE.
JUST GO TO "@COLBERTLATESHOW" TO FIND OUT HOW YOU CAN HELP.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ONE THING EVERYONE'S TRYING TO
DO RIGHT NOW IS FIGURE OUT WHAT'S GOING ON INSIDE VLADIMIR
PUTIN'S HEAD, AND WE GOT A LITTLE INSIGHT THIS WEEK FROM
FORMER PRESIDENT AND GRANDPA REALLY GETTING A KICK OUT OF
THIS LIBRARY PUPPET SHOW GEORGE W. BUSH.
BUSH WAS AT A FUNDRAISER TUESDAY, AND, DURING A Q&A,
HE RECOUNTED A VERY TELLING EXCHANGE HE AND PUTIN ONCE HAD
YEARS AGO, INVOLVING THEIR PETS.
OF COURSE!
THEY WERE BOTH FAMOUS FOR THEIR LAPDOGS.
HERE'S THE STORY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HERE'S THE STORY --
ACCORDING TO BUSH, "I INTRODUCED VLADIMIR PUTIN TO BARNEY, OUR
SCOTTISH TERRIER, AND PUTIN DISSED HIM."
"A YEAR LATER, LAURA AND I GO VISIT VLADIMIR, AND HE SAYS
'I WANT YOU TO MEET MY DOG.' I SAID, 'YEAH, SURE,' AND I'LL
NEVER FORGET, OUT RUNS A HUGE RUSSIAN HOUND, AND PUTIN SAYS
'BIGGER, STRONGER, AND FASTER THAN BARNEY'."
PUTIN'S SO INSECURE HE HAS TO COMPARE DOG SIZES?
THAT LITTLE BITCH.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I MEAN A FEMALE DOG.
IT'S A FEMALE DOG.
BUT THIS DOES MEAN WE KNOW HOW TO TERRIFY PUTIN, JUST BY
RELEASING FOOTAGE OF OUR LATEST MILITARY ASSET: CLIFFORD.
( LAUGHTER ) THE ONLY REASON PUTIN FEELS HE
CAN ACT WITH IMPUNITY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS CHINA HAS HIS BACK.
AND, EVIDENTLY, HE HAS THEIRS.
BECAUSE, ACCORDING TO REPORTS, PUTIN WANTED TO INVADE EARLIER,
BUT HE WAITED BECAUSE CHINA ASKED RUSSIA TO DELAY THE
UKRAINE WAR UNTIL AFTER THE OLYMPICS.
YEAH, THEY DIDN'T WANT RUSSIA TO RUIN THEIR OLYMPICS WITH THE
INVASION.
THEY WANTED RUSSIA TO RUIN THEIR OLYMPICS WITH 15-YEAR-OLDS
FREE-BASING PEE-POP'S HEART PILLS.
( LAUGHTER ) AFTER THAT REPORT, A
SPOKESPERSON FOR CHINESE PRESIDENT XI JINPING CLAIMED
THEY DIDN'T ASK RUSSIA FOR THE DELAY.
IT'S A CLASSIC CASE OF "HE SAID, XI SAID."
( LAUGHTER ) CHINA IS JUST ABOUT THE ONLY
FRIEND RUSSIA HAS LEFT, BECAUSE EVERY OTHER MAJOR COUNTRY AND
CORPORATION IS DISOWNING THEM.
FOR INSTANCE, IKEA IS CLOSING ITS RUSSIAN STORES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YES.
SURE.
THIS WILL GO SPOOL EFFECT AS SOON AS
AS THEY CAN FIND THAT LITTLE ALLEN WRENCH TO TAKE THE STORES
APART.
( LAUGHTER ) WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW.
MY GUESTS ARE KYLE MacLACHLAN AND ARIAN MOYED.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"!