Geoffrey here.
And in this video I'm gonna show you the faulty ways of thinking and that it's
really killing so many relationships.
And I want to show you the key mindset shifts you can make that can really help
you save your relationship and actually turn it around for the better.
And if you want to empower yourself with the skills and with the knowledge to
turn your relationship around,
then subscribe to this channel and click that bell bone to be notified when I
post new videos five days every single week.
[inaudible]
and if you're watching this video,
you've probably seen a ton of other videos from other gurus, other coaches,
and so on teaching you all the techniques and what to say,
all the scripts of how to deal with issues in relationship.
But what I found is that no one of techniques or tactics can really save your
relationship if you have the wrong mindset to begin with.
So as you watch this video,
just think about which of these three mindsets that you have that is probably
killing your relationship and how can you change it to a more productive mindset
that can help you find solutions and begin turning your relationship around.
So the first bad mindset that people have is that it takes two to tango.
And if there's one quote,
if there's one thing that people say about relationships a lot is that it takes
two to tango.
It takes both persons to want to work on the relationships first before you can
even begin to work in the relationship. And most people, when they believe this,
when they believe that it really takes two to tango, that is hopeless.
If your partner doesn't want to work in the relationship or want to go to
counseling with you, then what happens is they stop seeking answers.
They start to feel very hopeless,
they start to feel very overwhelmed and they don't even seek answers.
But this is probably the most common.
But the most cruel lie that I've ever heard about a relationship is because in
my own practice, you know,
70% of the transformations that I see begins with one person deciding to seek
solutions for themselves and understanding how to break the cycle and the
negative cycle and perpetuating a much more positive cycle.
That's usually how it starts because within your relationship is a very intense
feedback cycle.
So one example of this is let's say your partner gets angry at you and whenever
your partner gets angry at you, you have two options.
You can either react by getting angry yourself and when you react by getting
angry yourself,
you are choosing to perpetuate the negative cycle because when you get angry
yourself, they will most likely get your partner to be angry as well.
Then your partner getting even angrier makes you even angrier and that just
never ends well, but you choose to stay calm under the anger.
Then what happens is you're breaking that cycle and if you can stay calm and you
can lead their conversation and really let their guard and their anger down,
that will also cause their partner to calm down and you can perpetuate a much
more positive cycle. Because when your partner comes down,
it makes it easier for you to calm down. And in the cycle right here,
it just takes one person to decide that they want to break that cycle and that
person who breaks the cycle, it can be you. And so for example,
what usually happens in my practice is one person begins to seek answers and
their partner wants nothing to do with fixing the relationship at this point.
But what they learned to do is they learn how to control their own emotions.
They learn how to manage their own emotions in front of their partner's anger,
so on. And once they can stay calm like this,
they can start to break that cycle.
Then they learn skills on how to lead a conversation in a way that actually
lowered their partner's guards down and calms their partner whenever they're
angry.
They really create this culture and the relationship where both of them can
really be open and open up about their feelings, their thoughts, and so on.
And so they can start to heal that, all that pent up emotional baggage.
And so what I want you to understand here is that you absolutely have the power
to transform that relationship by herself.
So even if your partner doesn't want to fix the relationship right now,
we're working on the relationship and you're kind of struggling on this alone.
And you don't only want to seeking answers,
don't feel hopeless because when you seek the right answers,
you can really turn the cycle around and perpetuate a much more positive cycle
up this chain.
And the second very destructive mindset is something I call victimization.
And for this, the one thing I always say is lame. People blame people.
So most people, when they're struggling in the relationship,
the first thing they do is they blame their partner.
They blame their partner's anger issues, they blame their partners, laziness.
They blame their partners, alcohol problem, gambling problem, whatever it is.
And they always say, you know,
the reason why we don't have a good relationship is because my partner is doing
X, Y, andZ , but they never really look at their own action to say,
how am I perpetuating this problem?
How am I actually making this cycle a lot worse than better?
Because they can remember that in a relationship you have the power to either
break the cycle or perpetuate the negative cycle and to think about victimizing
yourself like this and blaming everything else about yourself on your issues in
your relationship or issues in your life is that it makes you feel better.
In the short term,
it makes you feel better because it takes away the responsibility away from you.
But what happens is every single time you do this, you're giving away power.
You're telling yourself that since nothing is my fault,
that there's really nothing you can do to solve it because how can you solve it
if it's not your fault and to begin with?
And so you're telling yourself that you really have no power to solve it,
that all the power really lies in your partner or something outside of your
control because it's on them to fix their issues first.
And once they fix their issues, then can you issues be fixed?
But you don't have any part of that because it's not your fault.
And so when people think like this, they tend to not seek answers anymore.
They tend to just play the blame game and perpetuate the blame game instead of
actually seeking solutions. And so, for example, in my business,
when I first started, I was victimizing myself all the time.
So whenever people wouldn't buy from me, I would go on a sales call.
Someone would say, I don't want that. I would actually blame my prospect.
I would actually say in, what is their fault? You know, they're lazy.
They're not committed. They don't have any money. They're broke as heck. Uh,
they have the wrong mindset, whatever it is.
But as long as I kept blaming other people for my problems,
then I can never really find solutions.
I'm making myself powerless because I'm saying that it's not something I can do.
It's other people's faults.
But once I started to look within and I actually asked myself like,
what did I do here? What did I do wrong here?
Then I started to find a lot better answers.
I started to find all the better ways to sell,
all the better ways to understand why they're resisting,
why people are not buying from me, and understanding how to sell better.
And so when I look at my students in the,
I look at the people who are most successful,
they're the ones asking very different kinds of questions.
They're not blaming their punter for anything,
but the questions that are asking are, what can I do better?
What should I do better? And so when I get a piece of advice and for example,
that advices you need to create safety in the relationship. They're not asking,
how can my partner equate safety for me? But they're asking,
how can I create safety for my partner?
So they only focused on what they can control and what they can do better.
And once you shift your thinking in this way,
then and only then can you actually start to find really solid answers to your
problems that can help you save your marriage.
But as long as you're blaming other people,
you're never going to find that answer.
And the bad mindset number three is something I call part thinkers.
And what I mean by that is, you know, when I was, uh, when I was younger,
I used to intern at this restaurant and the chef, he had two Michelin stars.
He was one of the best chefs ever worked with, I've ever met.
And when he did was he made sure that no only is he understanding how the food
is cooked, but it's also investigating this whole ecosystem.
So it's understanding, for example, where the cows come from,
where the vegetables come from, what soil are the vegetables growing from a,
what grass is the cows eating? And the only do they go backwards.
But they also go forward to say, how is the food being served?
How has the dining experience and so on.
So instead of just focusing on this one cooking part,
he focuses on this whole ecosystem. And so the chef,
this really good chef was really good because he's assistant stinker.
But most chefs out there are what I call part thinkers.
They only focus on what they can cook,
but they don't focus on the other parts of the ecosystem.
And what happens is this,
let's say you have a customer here that tells you your food is shit.
Your food is really not good. Well, if you're a part thinker,
all you can do is to figure out how can I cook the food better.
But sometimes the problem is not how you can cook the food better,
but the problem is your ingredients suck. But if you're a systems thinker,
you can really look at this whole ecosystem and find the root cause and fix the
problem. Well, in relationships it's the same thing.
So if you've been following me for a while,
you will know this relationship pyramid system where you have emotional safety,
which is your ability to manage your emotions and your relationship. Uh,
psychological safety,
which is all about how you communicate together a mutual admiration,
which is how much you respect or admire each other.
Goal alignment and sexual passion. And while a lot of people,
what I call part thinkers, so for example,
if they have some sexual passion issues,
what they would do is instantly they would try to look for our sex therapist.
They would try to look for how to spice things up in the bedroom,
how to spice things up, how to spice their intimacy up.
And they think this way because they're part thinkers.
That's the only part they see. They don't see this whole system as a whole.
But if you see the whole system as a whole,
what happens is you will start to see, Hey,
maybe the intimacy issues that I have is not really an intimacy issue.
That may be that they have some goal.
I'm an issues that they kind of align with some goals.
They're really having divergent goals that causes so many conflicts.
And maybe they're having divergent goals because they're really struggling to
admire each other. So whenever they have divergent goals,
instead of discovering and trying to understand,
they're quick to judge because they don't admire each other.
And maybe they don't admire each other because they can't communicate that the
years of not being able to resolve conflicts or the years of arguments has
really made it difficult for them to admire each other.
So now if you see it that way,
then this intimacy issue that you thought was an intimacy issue is really an
issue with your communication, with your arguments,
with all this conflicts and all this baggage building up.
So there's nothing to do with your intimacy issue.
And so if you really want to understand how to diagnose your relationship and
actually get to the root cause of the problem,
then you need to stop being part thinkers.
You need to stop seeing things as parts, but see things as a whole.
And if you're interested in having a resource that can help you see this whole
ecosystem in your relationship and allow you to move away from being a part
thinker to being a systems thinker in your relationship,
then you want to get access to my four day training series that will teach you
exactly how this five tier system works and how they all interconnect and how
you can start to diagnose your relationship in a way that gets you to the root
cause of the problem instead of just fixing symptoms.
And so if you want access to that 40 training series,
then you want to click the link in the description box below this video.
And if you're looking for a place where you can ask your questions about any
relationship issues you have or any issues that you're facing in your marriage,
then you also want to join our Facebook group where you can post your questions
and actually get expert advice on it. And the LinkedIn have Facebook group.
It's also below this video.
And so I hope that video gave you some clarity on the different ways of thinking
that can really help you save your marriage,
that can really help you to seek answers and motivate you to seek answers.
And for now,
they will leave a comment below on what other questions you have or other topics
that you want me to address in a future video.
So if you found this video helpful or valuable,
then click the like button and subscribe to this channel for more content like
this one. But for now, just understand that you have the power to save you your,
to ship by yourself. So it doesn't always take two to tango,
that if you just changed your behavior and focus in changing your behavior,
you can really break that negative cycle and perpetuate a much more positive
cycle. So never, ever underestimate your own power.
But for now I will see you in the next video.