-Thank you, everybody.
Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show"!
This is it! [ Cheers and applause ]
You're here. You made it. Thank you so much.
Let's get to the news and jokes.
Well, guys, it was a really exciting day for the country,
as we finally received what we've been waiting for
for nine months.
-A historic Monday as the first doses of the coronavirus vaccine
are being administered to healthcare workers
across this country.
-The very first dose of Pfizer's vaccine
was administered to a nurse working in Queens.
-Yep. The first COVID vaccine in the U.S. has been given.
[ Cheers and applause ]
It was a little less exciting when the nurse was handed a bill
for 50 grand, but still it was, overall...
What a moment for the country.
Right now, enthusiasm for the vaccine
is somewhere between the new PS5 and the McRib.
It's that exciting. [ Laughter ]
That's right, people all across America are lining up for shots.
Normally when that happens here in December,
we call it SantaCon.
[ Laughter ]
I read that the vaccine needs to be stored
at ultra-cold temperatures, around negative-100 degrees.
In response, UPS workers looked at their shorts and said,
"Yeah, this seems like more of a FedEx thing."
[ Laughter ]
But today was really special.
Usually if I want to see people on TV who've gotten injections,
I have to watch Bravo.
[ Laughter ]
That's right, everybody is excited about the vaccine.
Just take a look at the Colorado governor,
Jared Polis, waiting for his state's first shipment.
-Any minute now, we're gonna hear a doorbell.
Is that -- That's not a doorbell.
That's a knock, but okay.
And then we're going to, of course, let the vaccine in.
[ Bell rings ] Oh! There we go!
[ Door motor whirring ]
This is the Pfizer vaccine, arriving here in Colorado.
To end the pandemic.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cymbal crash ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
-It got awkward when the delivery guy was like,
"Hemorrhoid cream for Governor Polis?"
[ Laughter ]
Did you guys hear about this?
Yesterday, it came out that White House staffers
would get the vaccine early.
But then Trump backtracked and tweeted that they wouldn't.
Come on, just give it to them. What's the difference?
There's only three people left
working in the White House anyway.
[ Laughter ] Yeah, Trump said his people
don't need any special treatment.
Then he went back to pardoning all of them.
[ Laughter ]
Some more news from Washington.
Government officials say that Russians managed to hack
Homeland Security, along with the U.S. Treasury
and Commerce departments.
Americans heard that and they were like, "That's all?
Must've been Russia's Bring Your Child to Work Day."
[ Laughter ]
I think Russia has hacked just about everything there is.
I mean, what's next?
"We now access information from Blockbuster Video database."
[ Laughter ]
"Why you rent 'Lethal Weapon' six times in 1998?"
[ Laughter ]
Yep, they hacked Homeland Security.
That's not a great sign
that our Homeland Security needs a Homeland Security.
How did they hack Homeland Security?
That's like ADT calling you and being like,
"Someone broke in! Help!" [ Laughter ]
Don't worry, though. Today Trump appointed a new head
of Homeland Security -- Macaulay Culkin.
[ Laughter ]
Hey, here's a big election story.
Today, members of the Electoral College
officially cast their votes for president.
Yeah, super exciting, if you happened to miss
the 75 other times Trump's lost the election.
[ Laughter ]
Changing gears here, I heard about another sports team
that's decided to change its name.
Watch this.
-A major turning point for Cleveland's
Major League baseball team.
The franchise is expected to drop "Indians,"
a nickname it's had since 1915.
-Yeah. But this is weird.
They're now going to be called the Cleveland Football Team.
[ Laughter ]
You know, when it comes to baseball team names,
just play it safe and name yourself after a bird
or a sock color.
[ Light laughter ]
No? Okay. [ Laughter ]
Collectively, yeah. Thank you.
Red sock, blue sock, blue bird? Yeah.
Yeah, the team said they just wanted to wait
for the right time, which, for them,
was about five months after everyone else did it.
[ Laughter ]
Well, guys, Christmas is next week,
and out in California, I heard that two undercover cops
have been dressing up as Santa and his elf
to help catch shoplifters.
Yeah, nothing says Christmas spirit
like watching Santa Tase a shoplifter.
You know one cop was like, "Why can't you be the elf?"
[ Laughter ]
"All right." [ Laughter ]
"I think we're about the same height, same build."
[ Laughter ]
"I'm the elf? Okay."
[ Laughter ]
"There's not assigned positions. You know, we could always..."
[ Laughter ]
"Oh, yeah. I understand.
You're Santa, though. All right.
You're Santa, and I'm the elf. Okay."
A Santa and an elf fighting crime.
Come on. How is that not a movie
starring The Rock and Kevin Hart?
[ Laughter ]
Of course, Kevin would be Santa, and The Rock would be the elf.
Whatever. [ Laughter ]
And finally, the other day, in Ukraine,
it got pretty icy outside, and one woman
had a lot of trouble on the sidewalk.
Watch this.
[ Laughter ]
No, look at the --
No! [ Laughter ]
Oh, my --
[ Laughter ]
[ Cymbals crash ] Yo.
That's basically what it looks like
when Trump's lawyers go to court.
[ Laughter ]
In Ukraine, that's called the treadmill.
[ Laughter ]
Don't worry. The woman is fine,
and she hopes to be home by April.
Guys, a quick reminder.
I have this new children's book out,
called "5 More Sleeps 'til Christmas."
Hold your applause to the e--
[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪
Hold the drums, hold all the noise
until you really need to get it out, you know?
But anyway, it's no big deal.
It's currently the number-one... [ Laughter ]
..."New York Times" best-seller. No big deal.
Anyways, we're doing a very cool thing with Target
and FAO Schwarz this week.
So if you buy the book at Target or target.com
now through Wednesday.
So today, tomorrow, and Wednesday?
FAO Schwarz will donate a toy
to St. Jude Children's Research Hospital.
So you get a book at Target, you get a toy for a kid.
I appreciate those guys doing that.
Guys, we have exactly five shows left
before we go on Christmas break, which means it's time for that
beloved "Tonight Show" tradition.
It's time for "12 Days of Christmas Sweaters"!
-♪ 12 days of Christmas sweaters ♪
♪ 5 days left ♪
-That is right. Every show between now
and Christmas, we'll be giving one lucky audience member
a ravishing Christmas sweater
from the Countdown to Christmas Cabinet.
That's right. [ Cheers and applause ]
Now, since there are five shows left,
let's open door number 5.
I see that's a big door right there.
Yes, that's the one.
Whoa, whoa, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Holy moly.
That is something else.
That is -- That is subtle, I guess.
No, it's the opposite of subtle.
Wow. That is a --
That is an upchuck of Christmas is what it is.
[ Laughter ] That's what the label says.
Let's see who is going home with tonight's sweater.
Everyone, look at your seat number.
If I call your number, come on down.
Quest, can I get a drumroll, please?
[ Drumroll ]
2-2-6!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hey, come on down!
♪♪
Hello! Hello!
Nice to meet you.
What is your name, and where are you from?
-Hi! I'm Masha, and I'm from Providence, Rhode Island.
-Hey, Providence, Rhode Island! That's what I'm talking about.
Do you have anything like this?
-I do not. This is amazing.
-Yeah. -Can I --
-It looks like you are trying it on.
This is unbelievable. You have to.
-Oh, my gosh. -Yeah. It's so exciting.
Look at this. [ Cheers and applause ]
Are you kidding? Are you joking me?
You look gorgeous.
All right, super model.
Thank you so much. Congrats again.
Let's give our audience member a --
[ Cheers and applause ]
We'll be right back with Gal Gadot, everybody.
Come on back. That was great!
You look fantastic.
♪♪