-Police in Louisiana arrested a man after he went swimming
in the aquarium at a Bass Pro Shops.
Employees said they would have gotten him out
if there were only some fishing gear nearby.
[ Laughter ]
-Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, come on, James, Jimmy.
-Whoa! [ Cheers and applause ]
Michael Che! -Jimmy.
-Michael Che is here! [ Cheers and applause ]
What?!
-Jimmy, Jim, Jamantha.
[ Laughter ]
A guy swimming in a Bass Pro Shops aquarium,
and that's the best you can do?
-What, you think you can do better?
-You're damn right we can. -Oh, oh, my gosh!
Colin Jost! [ Cheers and applause ]
Colin Jost? You too?
Well, you know what this means.
It's time for a good old-fashioned
"Tonight Show" jokeoff!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Alright, I think we all know the rules,
but I'll repeat the setup.
Police in Louisiana arrested a man after he went swimming
in the aquarium at a Bass Pro Shops.
And go!
-Beep-beep-beep. [ Laughter ]
Weirdly, he was charged with being too sober
for a guy at a Bass Pro Shops.
[ Laughter ]
-[ Trills tongue ]
Even worse, he wore his face mask as a banana hammock.
[ Laughter ]
-[ Mimics buzzer ] The guy wasn't in jail very long.
It was more of a catch and release.
[ Laughter ]
-Boop, beep, boop. [ Laughter ]
So, move over, "Up."
"Bass Pro Shops Aquarium" is now the saddest Pixar film.
[ Laughter ]
-[ Trills tongue ] Meanwhile Sea World was like,
"For 50 bucks, you can do whatever."
[ Laughter ]
-Bahm! They were able to catch him by baiting the hook
with a little bit more crack.
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
-Alright, it is time for round two.
Here's the next story.
A 94-year-old Virginia man received permission
from Wrigley's to be buried in a casket
shaped like a giant pack of Juicy Fruit.
Go! -Beep.
The man plans to be buried on
the underside of a middle school desk.
[ Laughter ]
-Bahm! Permission? What are they gonna do, kill him?
[ Laughter ]
-[ Trills tongue ]
At first the man's family loved the idea,
but then quickly realized it was tasteless.
[ Laughter ]
-Beep and beep.
Right now there's a carpenter taking measurements
with a roll of Bubble Tape.
[ Laughter ]
-Beep!
So in 1,000 years, archaeologists will still wonder
what the hell is the fruit flavor is supposed to be?
[ Laughter ]
-Beep!
And here to read the eulogy off a giant wrapper is Bazooka Joe.
[ Dinging ]
♪♪
Alright, final round.
Here's the last story.
After 43 years, Chuck E. Cheese announced
they've filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy.
Go! -Beep!
So -- [ Laughs ]
I started with way too much beep.
[ Laughter ]
-You came in hot, man. -Alright, I'll back it off.
-Came in hot with the beeps. -So.
-No, it doesn't say "so." [ Laughter ]
-Sorry. Beep! -Yes.
[ Laughter ]
-Wow, so there might be some flaws in the business model
of a rat who sells pizza to children.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-So. [ Laughter ]
Okay, but before you close,
I think my kid is still in your ball pit somewhere.
[ Laughter ] Sorry.
-Whahm! Which I think means that in 2024,
Chuck E. Cheese will be President of the United States.
[ Dinging ] -Ah, there you go right there!
That was "Jokeoff!"
[ Cheers and applause ]
Give it up for Colin Jost, Michael Che, everybody!