you guys love your sports out here i've
never seen more focus put on sports
anywhere else in the world americans
love their sports back to front you
analyze them
you you worship them you you watch the
game before the game you watch the game
after the game you talk about what might
happen in the game you talk about what's
happening in the game and then you talk
about what happened
in the game and what could have been
might have but didn't happen in the game
it's just the craziest thing i've seen
in my life it's all about statistics
have you seen sports in america
non-stop guys just come out there
there's no time for smiles or anything
just come out
and ladies and gentlemen welcome to it
it's the 2012
miami heat up against the okc this is
the greatest final we've been waiting
for in the nba finals lebron james
leading his team out here averaging 30
points
double-double every single game uh 10
points per game uh just an assist alone
this man is just something else 90
from the free-throw line he's just gone
in he's statistically gotten better he's
team coming in with more
chris bosh coming in with more assists
really doing well in the last game
just like wow numbers numbers numbers
numbers stats that stats
you guys know everything every stat well
i mean he's got four out of five and i
mean if you look at that statistic alone
it looks like he should be he should be
getting forward he should be and then
and then and then it's
it's just crazy you know everything you
know everything and then you switch over
to like your business channels and your
economy
and you're like what's happening in the
economy this year bob well no nobody
knows i mean
nobody knows yeah
uh we thought the housing market was
coming up but it wasn't
but hey i mean that's that's the economy
you never know right
you never know what about stocks well i
guess uh stocks they're up and down
i don't really know they're up and down
they could go anywhere it's um
those are stocks we don't know but the
sports you know
need to flip that around forget the
statistics in the in the economy
just relax in your sports have fun
that's the sports i watch is relaxed
like soccer i'm a huge fan of soccer you
know
yeah yeah oh there's some fans here
i love soccer this is chilled you hear
it in the commentators when a game is
being played
there's no statistics at all game starts
off
the whistle blows and welcome ladies and
gentlemen
to this majestic match it's spain
playing against germany
oh and what a wonderful day it is
look at the crowd really excited oh and
the atmosphere is amazing wonderful
weather and the guys are just like oh
yeah john you can feel it the players
look great
it's wonderful what do you think is
going to happen today martin oh
nobody knows
i can't even remember the last time i
saw a game this good americans will
remember
americans will go back to the finest
statistic the last time
a black man scored using his left hand
jumping over a mixed race half indian
was in 1967 when the okay
they're like what this is madness
[Applause]
it's all about action in the sports as
well you know as much action as possible
that's all about action in america
that are so action focused you will take
the ball away from the other team
if they do not give you enough action
i've never seen that in my life
that's a horrible way to bring people up
is go to the team you go hey
you guys you take the ball and you've
got 24 seconds
to get the ball in that net 24 seconds
and if you don't do it we're gonna give
the ball to the other team you hear me
give the ball to another team yeah we
know there's a lot of black guys you try
to get past them
that's up to you go 24 seconds later
you guys you try you try all about
action you know
because america is different it's
different from the rest of the world
and uh you you you don't really know how
different america is though
until you get here that's the one thing
i will say you know
you think you know but then when you
when you land
in america in your airports
that's when you know this place is yeah
this place is different
because american airports unlike
airports everywhere in the world
which have a certain level of joy and
all around happiness american airports
they like
they're like concentration camps it's
just you know
just people walking barefoot in single
file
oh it's it's no joke there's even signs
that say
no jokes you don't you're like really
it's just insane you you walk through
those airports and you have to do things
at american airports you don't do
anywhere else in the world you know
like you have to take your shoes off
shoes come off and
you don't know this as a foreigner but
they don't care it's like you take your
shoes off like my what
your shoes take them off like why
for safety sir i'm keeping them on for
your safety my friend
you don't do this anywhere i remember
flying into dubai one year
and as we get into the airport this
woman an american woman started taking
off her shoes and
and those guys i mean you must
understand when you're in the middle
east as a woman you're already a sin
and now to be taking your clothes off in
public these guys lost their mind they
were just like
hi larry what are you doing what are you
doing
yo what are you doing she's like i'm
taking my clothes off i'm thinking
they're like no
no no what are you doing she's like i'm
taking them why are you taking your
clothes off she's like so the machine
works she's like no
no this is a machine not your husband
you don't need to get naked
put their toes on and walk through your
heart they will just they will
you don't do it anywhere else but then
you come out here you have to take off
your shoes and you have to take your
jacket off to walk through the metal
detector
and they they're mean about it they will
shout to you they're like you take it
off take it off and
you don't know what to take off you
don't take it off anywhere else so you
don't know what to take off
you take it off take take one off take
it off sir take one off
take it off now what your clothes take
them my clothes
and are you standing there this man
shouting at you telling you to take your
clothes off you feel like a child in a
catholic church it's horrible it's just
you're standing there i mean i
understand the need for security
but they don't need to shout at you at
least you know if they tried to be nice
if they were maybe if they chanted
instead of shouting you know instead of
taking it off if they were like take it
off take it off take you'll be like
yeah security
safe and sexy
they don't this is a harrowing
experience as you come in
and the worst is when you have to go
through passport control oh
as americans you don't feel the pain but
as a foreigner
it's a whole different game as americans
you walk through to the u.s
citizen's line and they welcome you back
like you on some secret mission honestly
welcome home sir
you know
[Applause]
when you're a foreigner you have to wait
in a super long line
you know and then they tease you the
line goes right to the front and then it
comes back and
comes back and you finally get there and
you have to wait for that and you know
and they're standing there and the guys
are like sir sir come on come on
sir step forward four step forward sir
step forward
forward forward back back behind the
line sir back
get back sir get back she knows
the stress you're standing there and and
now you have to answer questions
horrible like you you don't understand
it's the stress you know
you're standing there and you you don't
want to get any of the questions wrong
because just like school they'll send
you back
so you stand there and you have to
answer them into a microphone let's
placed strategically low
almost so that you have to bow to the
american as you answer
every question of his i ask you these
questions questions you feel like you
know the answers to but when you there
i mean i just handed the man my passport
to which he replied
is this you
never before have i felt so much
pressure to look like myself
it's like
[Applause]
i was younger then
it's horrible and then he starts
rattling them off
is your first time in the united states
of america sir
uh yes your first time sir is that
correct
uh yes
sir what is the duration of your visit
out here i'm going to be here for six
months
six months sir is that correct
yes
[Applause]
sure what is the purpose of your visit
in the united states of america
i'm here for holiday
holiday sir yes
which one
my one could you elaborate sir
holiday yeah what do you mean holiday
sir you know
like holiday like
[Music]
[Applause]
holiday you mean vacation sir
oh battery yes of course
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