WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY.
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT, AND WE ARE COMING TO YOU RIGHT
NOW-- THAT IS THE EXCITEMENT OF A LIVE SHOW, LIVE, RIGHT AFTER--
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THE UNION.
THAT MEANS WE JUST WATCHED WHAT YOU JUST WATCHED.
WE FELT WHAT YOU FELT!
WE DRANK WHAT YOU DRANK!
ONLY NOW WE'RE DRUNK AT WORK NOW.
I HOPE MY BOSS DOESN'T FIND OUT.
OH WAIT, THAT'S ME!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HE'S GOING TO BE COOL WITH IT.
NOW, TONIGHT, DONALD TRUMP ADDRESSED THE FOLKS WHO ARE
STILL DECIDING HIS FATE IN THE IMPEACHMENT TRIAL.
YOU KNOW, IT GOT A LITTLE AWKWARD AT TIMES.
AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN A VERY SPECIAL EDITION OF OUR
SEGMENT, "DON AND THE GIANT IMSPEECH."
>> THE STATE OF OUR UNION IS-- I DON'T LIKE MOSQUITOES!
>> Stephen: TONIGHT'S SPEECH HAD A THEME: "THE GREAT AMERICAN
COMEBACK."
NICE TITLE.
BUT I WANT TO POINT OUT, TONIGHT HE NEVER ACTUALLY SAID THE GREAT
AMERICAN COMEBACK: "I KNOW YOU ARE, BUT WHAT AM I?"
( LAUGHTER )
FIRST, THEY INTRODUCED THE SUPREME COURT JUSTICES, LED BY
JOHN ROBERTS, WHO IS STILL WORKING DOUBLE DUTY OVERSEEING
THE IMPEACHMENT TRIAL.
YET ANOTHER AMERICAN FORCED TO WORK TWO JOBS IN TRUMP'S
ECONOMY.
( LAUGHTER )
INVITED SOME SPECIAL GUESTS TO THE GALLERY, WITH
INSPIRING STORIES OF ENDURING UNIMAGINABLE HARDSHIP.
FOR INSTANCE, MELANIA.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
FIRST LADY.
AS IS TRADITIONAL, MIKE PENCE WAS THERE.
HE GOT SPECIAL PERMISSION FROM MOTHER TO STAND THAT CLOSE TO A
WOMAN.
AND BEFORE THE SPEECH EVEN STARTED, TRUMP THREW SOME SHADE.
HE WOULDN'T SHAKE PELOSI'S HAND!
THERE IT IS.
>> Audience: OOOH!
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU KNOW WHAT?
MADAM SPEAKER, NEXT TIME JUST OFFER HIM ONE FINGER.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WHAT?
WHAAA.
ONCE DONALD TRUMP STARTED TALKING, HE TOUTED THE ECONOMY.
>> THE YEARS OF ECONOMIC DECAY ARE OVER.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) BUT THE YEARS OF MENTAL DECAY
HAVE JUST BEGUN!
( LAUGHTER )
WHERE IS MISSOURI?
I'LL NEVER KNOW."
( LAUGHTER )
BRAG MODE: >> WE HAVE REJECTED THE
DOWNSIZING OF AMERICANS' DESTINY.
WE HAVE TOTALLY REJECTED THE DOWNSIZING.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "WE WILL NOT DOWNSIZE.
WE WILL SUPER-SIZE THE MEAL OF ECONOMIC GROWTH, BIGGIE JOB,
BIGGIE FRY.
WE WILL NOTCH A NEW BELT LOOP IN THE MAN-SPANX OF FREEDOM."
BUT TRUMP DID A LOT OF BRAGGING ABOUT THE ECONOMY AS I SAID, AND
HE SINGLED OUT THIS DEMOGRAPHIC: >> A RECORD NUMBER OF AMERICANS
ARE NOW EMPLOYED.
>> Stephen: MOSTLY CAMPAIGNING FOR BERNIE.
AND THEN--
A LITTLE LOUDER.
NOT GETTING IT OVER HERE, RIGHT HERE.
AND THEN HE SAID THESE ACTUAL INSANE PHRASES THAT WERE
ACTUALLY WRITTEN INTO THE ACTUAL STATE OF THE UNION.
>> THE FACT IS THAT EVERYBODY WANTS TO BE WHERE THE ACTION IS
AND THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA IS INDEED THE PLACE WHERE THE
ACTION IS.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "THAT IS OUR NATION'S NEW MOTTO:
AMERICA: WHERE THE ACTION IS, HOME OF THE LOOSEST SLOTS IN THE
FREE WORLD."
( LAUGHTER )
ANSWERED ONE OF THE BIGGEST QUESTIONS THAT WE'VE ALL HAD FOR
PAST FOUR YEARS.
>> UNFAIR TRADE IS PERHAPS THE SINGLE BIGGEST REASON THAT I
DECIDED TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT >> Stephen: (AS TRUMP)
"THAT, AND A DARE FROM GARY BUSEY.
GARY, YOU OWE ME TWENTY BUCKS."
NOW, IT DID NOT TAKE LONG FOR TRUMP TO WAX PHILOSOPHICAL.
>> ALWAYS REMEMBER, FREEDOM UNIFIES THE SOUL.
>> Stephen: YES, THIS PART OF THE SPEECH BROUGHT TO YOU BY
MAGNETIC REFRIGERATOR POETRY.
(AS TRUMP) "FREEDOM... UNIFIES... THE
SOUL... DESPAIR...
EXTINGUISHES... BANANA."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
"I LIKE IT.
I LIKE IT.
PUT THE BOX OVER THERE."
( APPLAUSE )
AND BOAST ABOUT OUR NEW MILITARY HARD BARE.
>> WE HAVE PURCHASED THE FINEST PLANES, MISSILES, ROCKETS,
SHIPS.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "ONLY THE FINEST.
WE SPRANG FOR THE UNDERCOATING ON THE ROCKETS.
WE PUT SUN ROOFS ON THE TANKS, AND POWER WINDOWS ON OUR
BOMBERS.
SWEET."
NOW, DURING THE SPEECH, TRUMP HONORED A DISTINGUISHED VETERAN.
>> AFTER MORE THAN 130 COMBAT MISSIONS IN WORLD WAR II, HE
CAME BACK HOME TO A COUNTRY STILL STRUGGLING FOR CIVIL
RIGHTS.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "AND THANKS TO ME, WE'RE ON THE
CUSP OF FINALLY DEFEATING CIVIL RIGHTS ONCE AND FOR ALL."
( LAUGHTER )
SAYING HE WAS TRYING TO PROTECT PRE-EXISTING CONDITIONS.
I THINK HE ASSUMED OUR PRE-EXISTING CONDITION IS
AMNESIA HE TRIED TO DESTROY PROTECTIONS FOR PRE-EXISTING
CONDITIONS.
BUT HE ALSO HIT ON ONE OF HIS FAVORITE LIES: SOCIALISTS, WE'RE
COMING FOR YOU.
>> 132 LAWMAKERS IN THIS ROOM HAVE ENDORSED LEGISLATION TO
TAKE OVER OUR HEALTH CARE SYSTEM, WIPING OUT THE PRIVATE
HEALTH INSURANCE PLANS OF 180 MILLION VERY HAPPY AMERICANS.
( LAUGHTER )
SINGLE CLAP OF THE ONLY PERSON IN AMERICA WHO LIKES THEIR
HEALTH INSURANCE COMPANY.
( LAUGHTER )
>> TO THOSE WATCHING AT HOME TONIGHT, I WANT YOU TO KNOW WE
WILL NEVER LET SOCIALISM DESTROY AMERICAN HEALTHCARE.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "NO, THAT'S CAPITALISM'S JOB.
I SAY, NEVER CHANGE GRIM REAPERS IN MID-STREAM."
( LAUGHTER )
FAMILY-FRIENDLY BILL: >> NOW I CALL ON THE CONGRESS TO
PASS THE BIPARTISAN ADVANCING SUPPORT FOR WORKING FAMILIES
ACT, EXTENDING FAMILY LEAVE TO MOTHERS AND FATHERS ALL ACROSS
OUR NATION.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "AND AS A FATHER MYSELF, I KNOW
THAT WHEN IT COMES TO FAMILY, I ALWAYS LEAVE."
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: IT'S TRUE.
IT'S TRUE, CHRIS.
TRUMP TOOK A MOMENT TO INCLUDE THE WORLDWIDE WEB IN HIS FUTURE
INFRASTRUCTURE PLAN.
>> I AM ALSO COMMITTED TO ENSURING THAT EVERY CITIZEN CAN
HAVE ACCESS TO HIGH-SPEED INTERNET, INCLUDING AND
ESPECIALLY.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "PORNOGRAPHY.
( LAUGHTER )
LINKS."
( LAUGHTER )
HE SAID THIS: >> I'M ALSO COMMITTED TO
ENSURING THAT EVERY CITIZEN CAN HAVE ACCESS TO HIGH-SPEED
INTERNET, INCLUDING AND ESPECIALLY IN RURAL AMERICA.
>> Stephen: TO WHICH IOWA REPLIED, "THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN
HANDY YESTERDAY!" IT'S TRUE, JON.
>> Jon: I KNOW!
>> Stephen: IT WOULD HAVE BEEN HANDY.
>> Jon: IT WOULD HAVE BEEN HANDY.
>> Stephen: MORE ON THAT LATER.
MORE ON THAT LATER.
HE SPOKE OUT AGAINST ONE OF HIS GREATEST ENEMIES: CALIFORNIA.
>> THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA PASSED AN OUTRAGEOUS LAW
DECLARING THEIR WHOLE STATE TO BE A STANK-TUARY FOR CRIMINAL
ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "YES, A STANK-TUARY.... FOR
SMELL-LEGALS.
A DECISION THAT WAS VERY UN-POOP-ULAR."
( LAUGHTER )
TRUMP AGAIN--
SURE.
>> NATURALLY, NATURALLY, MILK IT.
>> Stephen: TRUMP BEGAN TO WRAP THINGS UP AT THE END OF THE
SPEECH WITH WHAT APPEARED TO BE JUST KIND OF A RANDOM LIST OF
PEOPLE.
>> THIS IS THE HOME OF THOMAS EDISON AND TEDDY ROOSEVELT, OF
MANY GREAT GENERALS, INCLUDING WASHINGTON, PERSHING, PATTON,
AND MACARTHUR.
THIS IS THE HOME OF ABRAHAM LINCOLN, FREDERICK DOUGLASS,
AMELIA EARHART, HARRIET TUBMAN, THE WRIGHT BROTHERS, NEIL
ARMSTRONG, AND SO MANY MORE.
THIS IS THE COUNTRY WHERE CHILDREN LEARN NAMES LIKE WYATT
EARP, DAVY CROCKETT, AND ANNIE OAKLEY.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "NAMES LIKE MICKEY MOUSE,
SLIMER, THE MY PILLOW GUY, AND OF COURSE THOSE BEARS WITH THE
CLEAN BUTTS FROM CHARMIN.
AMERICA: ENJOY THE GO."
HE CONTINUED: >> OUR ANCESTORS BRAVED THE
UNKNOWN; TAMED THE WILDERNESS; SETTLED THE WILD WEST; LIFTED
MILLIONS FROM POVERTY, DISEASE, AND HUNGER; VANQUISHED TYRANNY
AND FASCISM.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "AND IN JUST THREE YEARS, I
BROUGHT THOSE LAST TWO BACK."
SCATTERING APPLAUSE FOR FASCISM.
CAN'T BEAT THEM, JOIN THEM.
THEN TRUMP KEPT IT UP.
>> AMERICA IS THE PLACE WHERE ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP)"I MEAN, >> Stephen: (AS TRUMP)
"I MEAN, LOOK AT ME.
NO ONE SAW THIS COMING.
THAT MUST HAVE SHOCKED A LOT OF PEOPLE.
>> Jon: I DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE COMING.
>> Stephen: ONE THING WE CAN ALL AGREE ON IS, "MY FELLOW
AMERICANS, THE STATE OF OUR UNION WAS LONG."
BUT FINALLY, TRUMP ENDED THE SPEECH AND NANCY PELOSI DID
THIS.
( APPLAUSE )
( LAUGHTER )
TONIGHT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WHEN WE RETURN, CHAOS IN IOWA.
TONIGHT, LIVE!
STICK AROUND!