- Hey, everybody.
Trevor Noah here.
It's now day eight of being locked in the house,
AKA social distancing.
Oh, and here's a fun tip I learned today.
Your phone doesn't just do Instagram;
it can also make phone calls.
Pretty neat.
#lifehack.
Anyway, on today's episode,
we're gonna catch up on the latest news,
like how China is getting the coronavirus under control,
U.S. politicians are making money off of the crisis,
and New York and California are shutting it all down.
So, let's get into another episode
of The Daily Social Distancing Show.
(dynamic music)
- [Announcer] From Trevor's couch in New York City
to your couch somewhere in the world,
this is The Daily Social Distancing Show with Trevor Noah.
- All right, let's kick it off with the good news first.
China has reported its second day
of no new coronavirus infections.
All of this thanks to extreme social distancing.
Yeah.
They've also reported that they now have zero cases
of having to make small talk with annoying people,
so two reasons to keep social distancing alive.
And for those people who are complaining
that social distancing is so boring, here's a tip,
here's a tip, guys.
This is a great time to grab that book
you've been meaning to read for two years,
and then use it as a pillow to nap.
Yeah, naps kill time.
You won't notice it.
In other good news, researchers in France
say that a combination of antimalarial drugs and antibiotics
could prove effective in treating the virus.
And, they're not the only ones
experimenting with combinations.
In fact, parents stuck at home with their kids
have found that a combination of Peppa Pig and red wine
gives them 20 minutes of happy time,
whereas black grandmothers have stuck
with their tried and tested combination
of Vicks Vaporub and Jesus.
"Just pray, Trevor.
"Just pray.
"He will heal you.
"And if that fails, go to the hospital."
So, that's some good news for the day.
Unfortunately, on the shitty side,
Italy is reporting that their coronavirus numbers
have now officially surpassed China's.
And yesterday, they saw their highest death toll so far,
with over 400 deaths in one day.
And repeatedly, Italians have urged all other countries
around the world to use their crisis as a cautionary tale.
Italians are warning the world,
"If you don't take coronavirus seriously,
"it sneaks up on you, and it explodes out of nowhere."
Kinda like the same way Adam Driver snuck up on all of us.
Like, for a while he was just that weird boyfriend on Girls.
And suddenly, bam!
He's Star Wars, Marriage Story, and The BlacKkKlansman.
We never saw it coming.
So, every country needs to heed Italy's warning.
And if there's one country that has a horrible track record
of heeding warnings, it's the United States.
Because it just came out that America
hasn't even been heeding its own warnings.
Yeah, leaked documents show that the Department
of Health and Human Services ran a simulation
of this exact type of crisis just last year,
showing that a respiratory virus starting in China
could easily jump and spread into the United States.
So, the federal government had a model
that showed this exact scenario,
how it would almost exactly happen,
but it got almost no attention from Trump's White House.
And that's probably the first time
Trump has ever ignored a model in his life.
In fact, normally it's a model who's ignoring him.
And the White House ignoring these warnings
isn't the only reason to be pissed off at politicians today,
because last night, and this is one of the craziest stories,
last night we learned that at least four Senators
may have gotten advanced information about the coronavirus
and then sold their stocks before the market crashed.
Yeah.
Now, these Senators say that they're making money
off of this coronavirus information is all a coincidence,
but come on, people, really?
Yeah, you got top secret corona information?
And then you just happened to dump your stocks
that get affected by coronavirus?
Get the (bleep) outta here, man.
This would be like if the captain of the Titanic
was just walking around in a life vest
before hitting the iceberg, like, "Don't worry, everyone.
"I'm just wearing this as a fashion accessory.
"Now please enjoy the buffet.
"Everything is normal."
And that's another reason
we should all be pissed off right now.
Politicians knew, months ago, how bad this thing would be.
But in public, they were acting like everything was cool.
Like, I don't like that they made
some money on the stock market.
But I hate that they were telling us it was okay
to lick doorknobs until like yesterday!
And those aren't the only politicians
pissing people off right now.
Because yesterday, the White House and Mitch McConnell
proposed a stimulus package that would give
direct financial assistance to the middle class.
$1,200 per person.
Which sounds great, right?
But, the catch is that, for those people
who are really poor, they only get $600, which is insane.
The people who need help the most are gonna get less money?
How does that make any sense?
That would be like a firefighter
driving past the burning house
to first go blow out someone's birthday candles.
"I'll save your house later, but Claire is turning 25!"
And the reason it's so important for the government
to help people who earn the lowest incomes
is because coronavirus is already starting
to cost people their jobs.
People who work in office jobs
might be able to work from home, but many people
who work hourly have already been laid off.
In fact, Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin
estimated the unemployment rate
could go all the way up to 20%.
That's really scary when you think about it.
Just imagine that many people not working.
And not like Ivanka not working.
I'm talking like real not working.
Now, one good piece of policy news that came out today
is that the IRS announced the annual tax filing deadline
will be delayed for three months,
from April 15th to July 15th.
So yes, that's really big news.
The IRS actually pushed back tax day,
or as billionaires call it, "The what day?"
"Tax?
"Is that a word?"
I'm actually glad they're pushing back tax day.
I think what they also need to do is move April Fools' Day,
'cause coronavirus is not gonna be
a great time to make pranks.
"Guess what, honey.
"They found a cure for coronavirus.
"You can go outside."
"Yay!"
"Ha, ha, April Fools!
"We can never leave.
"All right, I'm gonna go
"poop in the bathroom with the door open.
"I love you."
Now, with all the fear and uncertainty
and chaos gripping America right now,
the nation needs a leader more than ever
to reassure people through these trying times.
Unfortunately, the nation only has Donald Trump.
- Nearly 200 dead, 14,000 who are sick,
millions, as you witnessed, who are scared right now.
What do you say to Americans who are watching you right now
who are scared?
- I say that you're a terrible reporter, that's what I say.
Go ahead.
(reporters chattering)
I think that's a very nasty question,
and I think it's a very bad signal
that you're putting out to the American people.
The American people are looking for answers,
and they're looking for hope.
And you're doing sensationalism,
and the same with NBC and Con-cast.
I don't call it--
I don't call it Comcast, I call it Con-cast.
Let me just tell--
For whom you work.
Let me just tell you something.
That's really bad reporting.
- Okay.
What the hell happened there?
That was the easiest softball a president can ever get:
what can you say to comfort the nation?
And Trump completely lost his shit.
This would be like a priest asking you at your wedding,
"Do you take this woman's hand in marriage?"
And you're just like, "God damn it!
"What's with all the questions, man?
"Huh?
"Why are you interrogating me?
"You're a horrible priest, man!
"'Til death.'
"Why are you asking about death?
"I'm as my wedding, man!"
So, yet again, Trump came out
and turned a press conference into a cage match.
But luckily, while Trump is throwing temper tantrums,
states in America are doing their own thing.
In New York, governor Cuomo, today,
ordered all non-essential workers
across the state to stay home.
And yesterday, the governor of California
issued a shelter-in-place order for his state.
Now, people in California can still leave their house,
but they can only leave to perform necessary activities
or run essential businesses.
And according to the official guidelines,
essential businesses can include things like grocery stores,
pharmacies, gas stations, and, this is a real one,
marijuana dispensaries.
Marijuana dispensaries can stay open.
And I totally agree with that.
'Cause if there was ever a time
where people need access to marijuana, this is it.
Like, forget about washing your hands for 20 seconds.
If people are high, they'll wash their hands for 20 minutes,
just be like, "Dude, this is like
"bubble bath for my fingers, man."
And also, weed calms people down.
And that's what we all need.
'Cause right now, everyone's in the supermarket
acting like they're Samuel L. Jackson.
"I'm a need the toilet paper, mother (bleep)!"
But with weed, we're gonna be in the aisles
walkin' around like Matthew McConaughey,
just like, "All right, all right, all right.
"Why don't you take one, and I'll take the other number."
Oh, and another great reason to smoke weed
is that it makes time disappear.
Like one time, I had some really strong weed
that I smoked at 2:00 p.m. on a Monday,
and then it was October.
Now, please remember, guys,
while some of us are stressing at home
about what show to binge next on Netflix,
hospitals have a real issue on their hands.
They're running out of supplies:
face masks, gowns, ventilators, all the equipment they need
to protect themselves while they're treating us.
So, Roy Wood, Jr. reached out to Dr. Alcarez,
a primary care physician here in New York City,
to find out more.
- I had a video conference with Dr. Kathryn Alcarez
here in New York City, for a non-COVID situation.
Also not an STD.
And she had some bad news for me
about what this epidemic means for healthcare workers.
(ringing)
- [Dr. Alcarez] I have doctors in California and in Oregon
that are telling me they are seeing patients without masks.
- [Reporter] There's a shortage of many essential supplies.
Some healthcare workers have already been infected,
including at least two doctors
who are now in critical condition.
- And if that's not bad enough,
people are hoarding and stockpiling these N95 masks.
Whatever happened to the good ol' days of toilet paper?
Masks!
That's what people are hoarding?
- [Dr. Alcarez] Yes, definitely hoarding them.
We're in a crisis situation, we're in a pandemic.
There are doctors and nurses that are on the field
risking their lives and their family's lives.
Then, they need those masks.
- [Roy] But Dr. Alcarez has a solution
for these mask hoarders.
- [Dr. Alcarez] If there are masks in the country
just sitting there, waiting for somebody to profit,
I think as a punishment, their stock should be donated
to the people that need them the most.
- So we should trick them into thinking
we gonna pay $100 for a mask,
and then they show up to sell us the masks,
we whack 'em over the head with a baseball bat,
and then we take 'em!
- [Dr. Alcarez] No, no, no, no, no!
I do not think we should go commit crimes.
- Do you need masks or not?
- [Dr. Alcarez] If you have any handy,
or if you know somebody that has a stockpile,
if they are ...
kind enough to see the fact that our doctors are without
and putting themselves at risk,
would you mind donating them?
- Just ...
persuade them.
Hm?
- [Dr. Alcarez] Without committing a crime.
Nope, no crimes. (punching hand)
No crimes.
- Look, if you do know of anyone with a stock of N95 masks,
please politely suggest that they donate 'em
to our healthcare workers risking
their lives on the front lines.
Do not hoard them!
'Cause if you do ...
I'm comin' for your ass.
- Thanks, Roy.
But please, don't get in trouble with the law.
And if you do, don't mention my name.
All right.
That's it for today's episode
of The Daily Social Distancing Show.
Thank you so much for tuning in.
I know you are at home stuck,
but I still appreciate the fact that you're stuck with me.
And before we go, if you wanna help out during this time,
don't forget, you can help others who are out there.
Once again, we're gonna ask you to donate to nokidhungry.org
and help kids get a good meal
while their schools are shutdown.
And if you wanna help feed kids
in New York City specifically,
then please go to cityharvest.org
and donate whatever you are able to donate.
Stay safe out there.
I'll see you guys again soon.
But first, here it is, your moment of zen.
- You know what I'd like to do?
I'd like him to go back to the State Department,
or as they call it, the Deep State Department,
if you don't mind.
I'd like to have him go back and do his job.
So does anybody have any question?
(reporters chattering)
(quirky music)