yeah listening to all of these speeches
and performances for the last two hours
I cannot help but feel grateful that I
put a bag of pretzels in my purse I want
to thank everyone involved with the
Kennedy Center or as it will soon be
known the tea party bowling alley and
rifle range
about nine lanes in here I want to thank
everyone at WETA and PBS not just for
televising this event but for showing
the Benny Hill show so much when I was a
kid I don't know how that qualified to
be on PBS we may never know I promise to
put this award in a place of honor to
make sure that my daughter does not
pretend it is Barbies older husband who
lost his body in an accident I never
dreamed that I would receive the Mark
Twain prize for American humor mostly
because my style is so typically
Austrian
I never thought I would even qualify for
the Mark Twain prize for American humor
I mean maybe the Nathaniel Hawthorne
prize for judgmental nature the Judy
Blume award for awkward puberty or the
Harper Lee prize for small bodies of
work but never this and yet I hope that
like Mark Twain a hundred years from now
people will see my work and think wow
that is actually pretty racist
[Applause]
apparently I'm only the third woman ever
to receive this award and I'm so honored
to be number two or with Lily Tomlin and
Whoopi Goldberg but I do hope that so
that women are achieving at a rate these
days that we can stop counting what
number they are at things yes I was like
yeah
[Applause]
yes I was the first female head writer
at Saturday Night Live and yes I was
only the second woman ever to be
pregnant while on the show and now
tonight I am the third female recipient
of this prize I would love to be the
fourth woman to do something but I just
don't see myself married to Lauren
I'm so grateful to my friends who came
here tonight to perform some people came
all the way from Los Angeles and I know
that you were all very busy people with
families and it really it means so much
to me to know that you care about show
business more than you do about them
I want to thank Alec Baldwin for not
coming tonight I already have a
reputation as a liberal elite lunatic I
don't need that guy follow me
Jonnie huffington post's actually i do
want to thank alec genuinely for staying
in New York tonight to continue to shoot
30 rock so that I could be here so Thank
You Alec I love you I'm not gonna get
emotional tonight because I am a
stone-cold but but I want to thank
my family they say that's funny people
often come from a difficult childhood or
a troubled family so to my family I say
they're giving me the Mark Twain prize
for American humor what did you animals
do to me
[Applause]
I know my mother and father are so proud
of me tonight so this is probably a good
time to tell them I'm putting you both
in a home we'll talk about it later I
met my husband Jeff when we were both in
Chicago and I had short hair with a perm
on top and I would wear oversized denim
shorts overalls and that is how I know
our love is real at some point in the
future our daughter Alice will will find
a DVD of this broadcast or I don't know
download it into the subdermal
iPhone in her eyelids I don't know how
far in the future we're talking about
but I hope that it will make her laugh
and I hope it will explain to her why
her parents looked so tired all the time
the one person without whom I really
would not be here tonight
except of course my mother who is pretty
sure she delivered me even though she
had a lot of Twilight sleep the other
one person is Lorne Michaels in 1997 I
flew from Chicago to New York to have a
job interview for a writing position at
Saturday Night Live and I was hopeful
because I had heard the show was looking
to diversify which by the way only in
comedy is a know BD n't white girl from
the suburbs and diversity candidate
[Music]
but I remember you know I came from my
job interview and the only decent
clothes that I had at the time Lauren's
right was I had a pair of black pants
and a sweater from contempo casuals and
I went to the security guard at the
elevator at 30 Rockefeller Plaza and I
said I'm here to see Loren Michaels and
I couldn't believe the words that were
coming out of my mouth I'm here to see
Lorne Michaels and I went up to the 17th
floor and to have my meeting with Loren
and the only thing anyone had told me
about meeting with Loren having a job in
the interview they said whatever you do
do not finish his sentences a girl he
knew in Chicago had done that and she
felt like it had cost her the job and so
whatever you do don't finish his senses
and I was there and I really didn't want
to blow it and Loren said so you're from
and it just was hanging there so you're
from and fun that couldn't take any more
and I said Pennsylvania I'm from
Pennsylvania a suburb of Philadelphia
just as Lauren finished his thought and
said Chicago and I thought that's it
I blew it and I don't remember anything
else about the meeting because I just
kept staring at him thinking this is the
guy from The Beatles check I can't
believe that I'm in his office and you
know I could have never have guessed
that a couple years later I would be
sitting in that office until 2:00 3:00
4:00 in the morning thinking if this
meeting doesn't end I'm gonna kill this
Canadian bastard the last time that I
was in Washington was in 2004 to take
this life magazine cover photo with John
McCain and Senator McCain gave my
husband and me a tour of the Senate and
we all spent a lovely busy afternoon
together and I have it on good authority
that this picture of Senator McCain and
myself has been hanging in his office by
his desk since 2004 and he has been
looking at it every day since 2004
getting ideas
so guess what I'm saying is this whole
thing might be my fault
I would be a liar and an idiot if I
didn't thank Sarah Palin for helping get
me here tonight my partial resemblance
and her crazy voice are the two luckiest
things that have ever happened to me all
kidding aside I'm so proud to represent
American humor I am proud to be American
I am proud to make my home in the not
real America and I am most proud that
even during trying times like an orange
alert or a bad economy or a contentious
election that we as a nation retain our
sense of humor anyway I don't want to go
on and on because I know we still have
to talk about the other four nominees so
thank you
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
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