TONIGHT WAS THE SECOND
REPUBLICAN DEBATE.
AGAIN, I HAVEN'T SEEN IT.
DON'T TELL ME WHAT HAPPENS TO JOHN SNOW.
I HOPE HE'S OKAY.
THAT MAN WOULD KNOW HOW TO BUILD A WALL AND MAKE THE WHITE
WALKERS PAY FOR IT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) STRONG LEADERSHIP!
THIS TIME, THE CANDIDATES ARE DEBATING IN THE REAGAN LIBRARY,
A MECCA FOR PEOPLE WHO WOULD NEVER COMPARE IT TO MECCA.
( LAUGHTER ) SO NATURALLY EVERYONE IN THE
REPUBLICAN FIELD IS DOING ANYTHING THEY CAN TO GET THEIR
RONNIE ON.
DONALD TRUMP, DONALD TRUMP HAS ALREADY SNAPPED UP REAGAN'S
MOTTO TO MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN.
JEB BUSH HAS BEEN WEARING A REAGAN-BUSH T-SHIRT, AND CARLY
FIORINA RECENTLY CHANGED HER TAX POLICY AND HER HAIRSTYLE.
( LAUGHTER ) , OF COURSE, ONE OF THE MOST
ICONIC REAGAN MOMENTS WAS HIS LEGENDARY BEAR IN THE WOODS AD
ABOUT CONNECTICUT FRONTING THE DANGERING OF THE RUSSKIES.
TAKE US BACK TO 1984 AND SCARE THE LEGS OFF US.
>> THERE IS A BEAR IN THE WOODS.
FOR SOME PEOPLE, THE BEAR IS EASY TO SEE.
OTHERS DON'T SEE IT AT ALL.
SOME PEOPLE SAY THE THE BEAR IS TAME.
OTHERS SAY IT'S VICIOUS AND DANGEROUS.
SINCE NO ONE CAN REALLY BE SURE WHO'S RIGHT, ISN'T IT SMART TO
BE AS STRONG AS THE BEAR?
IF THERE IS A BEAR.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: I REMEMBER.
I REMEMBER.
I REMEMBER BACK THEN.
REAGAN WAS SO TERRIFIED OF THAT BEAR FOR MOST OF HIS SECOND TERM
HE KEPT NANCY IN A BAG HANGING FROM A TREE.
IT'S THE ONLY WAY TO PROTECT HER.
SO IF YOU'RE A REPUBLICAN CANDIDATE LIKE ONE OF THESE GUYS
THE BEAR AD IS THE GOLD STANDARD.
AND IN TERMS OF RIPPING IT OFF, TED CRUZ JUST STOLE ONE FROM THE
GIPPER.
>> THERE'S A SCORPION IN THE DESERT.
FOR MOST OF US, ITS VENOM IS A CLEAR AND DEADLY THREAT, BUT
OTHERS REFUSE TO EVEN SPEAK ITS NAME.
SINCE THE SCORPION SEEKS OUR DESTRUCTION, ISN'T IT TIME WE
RECOGNIZED THE SCORPION FOR WHAT IT IS BEFORE IT STRIKES AGAIN?
( LAUGHTER ).
>> I'M TED CRUZ, AND I APPROVED THIS MESSAGE.
>> Stephen: WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WHAT DOES THE SCORPION
REPRESENT?
IS IT TERRORISM?
IRAN?
MEXICANS?
SCORPIONS?
A BEAR IN A SCORPION COSTUME?
WHAT!
AND FOR THAT MART, THE AD CRITICIZES SOME PEOPLE BECAUSE
THEY REFUSE TO SAY ITS NAME, BUT TED CRUZ DOESN'T SAY HIS NAME IN
THE AD.
WAIT, DOESN'T SAY HIS NAME.
IS IT VOLDEMORT?
BUT WAIT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WORST OF ALL.
BUT WORST THAN ANY OF THAT, IF CRUZ KNOWS THAT SCORPION IS A
CLEAR AND DEADLY THREAT, THEN WHY ON EARTH DOES HE LET THE
SCORPION GET AWAY AT THE END OF THE COMMERCIAL?
( LAUGHTER ) AND FOR THAT MATTER, WHY IS HE
WEARING BOOTS MADE OF OSTRICH.
THAT'S NOT AN ANIMAL KNOWN FOR FACING DOWN THREATS.
YOU KNOW, FOLKS, AS GOOD AS THIS AD IS, I THINK THIS AD ASKS MORE
QUESTIONS THAN IT ANSWERS, BUT IT HAS INSPIRED ME TO MAKE AN AD
THAT TACKLES AN ISSUE I CARE ABOUT IN A MUCH MORE SPECIFIC
WAY.
>> THERE'S A SPIDER IN THE DESERT.
THERE'S ALSO A SPIDER ON A STICK.
AND THIS ONE IN UTAH.
LOOK, THERE'S ONE ON A NICKEL!
AND CHECK THIS OUT, IT'S A SPIDER DOING PUSH-UPS ON A
MIRROR.
THE POINT IS, THERE ARE SPIEDERS EVERYWHERE.
SOME WON'T NAME THE SPIDER, BUT I WILL.
HE'S NAMED ALAN, AND THEY THINK HE'S HARMLESS.
BUT TO SOME OF US, IT'S OBVIOUS THAT HE'S GOING TO CRAWL INTO
YOUR EAR WHILE YOU'RE SLEEPING AND LAY EGGS IN THERE.
OH, YEAH.
IT HAPPENED TO THE COUSIN OF A GUY I WENT TO CAMP WITH.
SPIDERS-- THEY'RE HATCHING IN YOUR BRAIN RIGHT NOW.
I'M STEPHEN COLBERT AND I APPROVED THIS-- WHAT IS THAT?
GET IT OFF OF ME!