if you loved me you wouldn't drink or if you loved me you wouldn't use drugs
if you've ever thought or said that statement before this video is specifically for you
for those of you who are new here welcome to put the shovel down this youtube channel is
all about helping you understand the science and psychology of addiction so that you can get your
life and your family back on track now in this video i'm gonna explain to you four reasons why
your spouse seems to be choosing a substance over you and i'm gonna tell you what to do about it
the first reason why it seems like your spouse is choosing a substance over you is the fact
that they don't admit to themselves that they are choosing a substance over you in fact there's a
lot of brain science that helps explain why people that are struggling with addiction can't see how
much what they're doing is hurting the people around them and themselves there's actual brain
science to it there's a reason why they cannot see that now reason number two is that they probably
are continuously lying to themselves about how much they're going to use you see you get caught
in this cycle of promising yourself every single day that you're only gonna drink a couple of beers
or you're only gonna do just a little bit so that you can go to work and make money or whatever it
is that you're telling yourself and when you're stuck in that cycle you're just constantly telling
yourself just this much the problem is once you do this much of the substance the floodgates are open
and time after time you end up using more than you intended to use in fact that's one of the official
criteria for having a substance use disorder now these next two are a little bit more specific
directly to you now number three is that your spouse is lying to themselves about you you see
inside the mind of someone that has a substance abuse problem they almost always villainize their
closest loved one it's kind of a psychological defense mechanism for how they continue to sort
of like emotionally justify continuing to make bad decisions so they're telling themselves that
you're ridiculous that you're over controlling that you're over nagging that you're making a big
deal out of it when it's not that you won't let go of the past that you're always on their case that
you're constantly critical of them the list goes on i bet you've heard some of these things before
right you know like when you get an argument and you two start fighting each other and saying all
kind of mean things those are probably some of the things that they say to you because see here's
the deal if they can stay mad and upset at you it creates a diversion for them having to think about
what they're doing and the choices that they're making that's why on this channel i talk so much
about staying out of the bad guy role which is the perfect lead-in for number four reason why
your spouse seems to be choosing a substance over you is the fact that probably during the course
of this whole addiction thing taking over you've become kind of a crazy person right you've either
turned into a doormat because you're so scared of starting a fight that you just let
anything and everything go or you've turned into like a police officer or a probation officer
where you're constantly trying to catch them and you're locked into this power struggle which is
causing you to do all kinds of things that you normally wouldn't do and the problem is all of
these things that you're doing trying to prove that there's a problem trying to get it to stop
trying to get them to see how much they're hurting you all of those behaviors are
actually pushing your spouse further and further away from you now i know none of the things i've
said so far are fair there's nothing about this situation that's fair to you but unfortunately
that's just how addiction works so let's stop and think about what all of that means they can't
see that they're causing the problem they don't feel like it's really a conflict they don't feel
like they're choosing one over the other they're constantly promising themselves that they're gonna
cut it back and lastly you've turned into a person that you don't even recognize anymore and so to be
honest when you start giving them these ultimatums of choose me or choose the drug this is going to
be hurtful you ready they're thinking in their head i think i'll choose alcohol or i think i'll
choose the drug now they may not be saying that to you but chances are that's the thought that's
crossed their mind and it's a combination of all of these different things that i just explained to
you so if you think about it for just a second to think about it from their point of view
if you've got this substance over here which numbs all of my pain makes me feel great makes me feel
good about myself you got that versus a spouse over here that's done lost their mind going crazy
blaming you for everything constantly telling you what a loser you are giving you ultimatums saying
you don't love me you don't do anything right look at the competition the situation is off balance
again i know that that is not fair so don't come after me i'm just trying to explain to you
from their point of view now remember their point of view is very skewed but nonetheless
this is how they see it once you understand that you can probably wrap your mind around
what it's going to take to get those scales to tip a little bit further in your favor you see
the substance causes them some negative emotion too right when bad things happen when they don't
do something they were supposed to do if they have legal charges so there is some negative over there
but in their mind it's like mostly positive with some negative sprinkled in and most of their
interactions with you lately have been mostly negative what you want to do is get that scale to
tip and this is how you as the spouse can overcome addiction this is how you can make your spouse see
more clearly what they're choosing and what they're not choosing if you can change the way
you're interacting with your spouse and you begin to be more pleasant to be around the situation
starts to look a little different and they start to consider things a little bit more differently
remember these three s's number one be strategic we talk about that on this channel all the time
and knowing these things that i'm telling you right now that's being strategic because you know
what you're up against and you're going to stop emotionally falling into these negative cycles
and you're going to get smarter than addiction and that's how you're going to beat it the second
s that i want you to remember is be sympathetic and it's really hard to be sympathetic when all of
the choices that they're making are hurting you or causing financial problems or causing all kind of
family disruption but just remember that it's like a villain that has a hold of your spouse and so
if you can express some amount of sympathy to your spouse and understanding about their point of view
and their side of the situation that's gonna again make you more appealing and lastly you need to be
strong and by being strong what i mean is you've got to get control of your emotions you do need to
hold healthy boundaries for yourself so it's this balance between not letting the addiction run over
you completely but also not losing your mind and turning into a crazy investigator power struggle
maniac of a person you've got to be strong and centered strategic and sympathetic and once you
do those things your side of the street over here is going to look a lot more appealing and what
they're going to notice at that point is how much negative there is over here you see this starts
to look better and this starts to look worse and that's how you get your spouse to start to see
things differently now if all that sounds really good to you and you want to know the step-by-step
process for making that happen then consider being a part of our invisible intervention
because inside the invisible intervention which is an online course you'll learn exactly how to
do these things exactly how to tip those scales and get your spouse to choose recovery sobriety
and most of all their family over the addiction now i get it sometimes it comes to the point where
it's like i can't take this anymore and you may be thinking about i don't know if i want to stay
and try to help them or not or if i just want to get out of this situation if you're trying
to make that decision then i want you to watch this video next it's about when to walk away