- I think of myself as brave.
The Sorting Hat even acknowledged I was.
- Ah, what bravery.
You'd be great in Gryffindor. - Nope, Slytherin.
- Are you sure?
You'd fit right in. - Listen,
you dusty old headpiece.
I look fantastic in emerald green
and I was born in 1989,
which is the year of the snake,
so I am Slytherin and Slytherin only.
- Yeah, I think you just proved your point.
Slytherin!
- And I gave birth to the most courageous creature
to grace this earth.
(grunting and moaning)
- One more push. - You can do it, baby.
You can do it.
You've got this. (yelling)
- His back left leg is detached from his hip,
he's prone to bladder infections,
and he's got an enlarged heart
that will require years of medical attention.
- Oh.
- Oh my God he's beautiful.
What should we name him?
- His name is Congress.
Congress The Brave.
That's his full name, and don't you forget it.
My point is I pride myself
on identifying as a brave person.
And even if I'm afraid, I usually take that as a sign
that I should go and do it anyway to be courageous.
I mean, I did stand up for like a decade,
which I think you know takes a lot of balls
to get up on stage and make a total fool of yourself.
I'm Japanese Hawaiian so I'm historically self-destructive.
(audience moaning and groaning)
Wow, too soon.
I didn't think that joke would bomb.
- Oh my God, geez.
- Get off the stage. - Get off the,
yeah, go away.
- Okay, all right, tough crowd.
But no matter how brave we are,
I have found that there's one question
we are terrified to ask
when we're emotionally invested in the answer.
It makes us feel so vulnerable,
so open to hurt, so terrified and paralyzed,
and it is.
- So like, what are we?
(monitor beeping)
- Scalpel.
- What are you looking for?
(laughing)
- Doc, where do you see this going?
Where are we headed?
What does our future look like?
- Gigawatts.
- New connection and intimacy leaves us so vulnerable
to disappointment and hurt and rejection.
So I met someone I really like,
I thought he was great at talking about trauma.
And we had all these great conversations.
He had a great sense of humor.
And he seemed to be emotionally available,
consistent, reliable, and responsive,
which are the telltale signs of secure attachment.
Hey, gold flags, anyone?
But I am a preoccupied anxious attachment baby girl,
which means that when I meet someone
and I can see it going somewhere
I am now just riddled with full blown anxiety
and fear of abandonment.
And it triggers all of my deepest insecurities.
I was having a panic attack with my therapist,
and she said.
- What do you think about just asking him
where he sees this going?
Or if he's looking for a committed relationship?
- No, absolutely not.
No, I don't wanna do that.
What is wrong with you?
- Well, maybe-
- Do you want me to die?
And if you're like me and this stage of intimacy
makes you wanna throw up in your mouth,
then swallow it back down 'cause you're a champ,
I'll relay what the Oracle says.
- Having this level of open communication
about what you need to feel safe,
in this case knowing where something is headed,
knowing what's on the table, knowing how someone feels,
that's important for the kind of
committed relationship you're looking for.
And the way that someone responds to that
is going to inform you of so much.
Because if they say-
- I'm looking for someone who will give me
all the emotional and physical benefits of a girlfriend
without me having any accountability or responsibility
to show up as a partner.
- That's gonna tell you a lot.
Alternatively, they may say something that you wanna hear.
- I'm just looking for someone who will
go to the courthouse with me right now,
lock it down, turn it around,
put a ring and a dress on it, baby girl.
- I don't know, that's a little too soon.
- Something along those lines.
Either way, I know it's terrifying to ask for what you need,
but that's what this question is.
It's getting information you need
so you can find the committed relationship
you're looking for.
- And look, yeah, it's disgusting and terrifying.
And I wanna shrivel up and die just thinking about it,
but I did it.
I did it.
I had written this video before I was gonna do it.
And then I did it.
And I didn't get the answer I wanted.
It sucks.
But now I don't have to waste my time and energy
on someone who doesn't deserve me in their life,
or that's what my therapist says anyway.
I'll try to believe it.
Anyway, yeah, good luck with this question yourself.
I'm Anna Akana, and thank you to the patrons
who supported today's video
and thank you to NordVPN
for sponsoring today's episode.
As you guys may remember from my
Instagram Story meltdowns last month,
I was in Canada to film a show,
and because of COVID I had to quarantine for two weeks alone
and then stay there for the entire duration of filming.
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