Sal, say, "Sorry about the hot-dog smell."
[ Laughter ]
Joe: There he goes. Yeah, take a breath.
Sal: Sorry about the hot dog smell.
"My friends call me Nathan."
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, I smell like an all-beef frank most of the time.
Joe: "It's 'cause I sleep with them by my bedside."
Murr: [ Laughing ] What?
I sleep with hot dogs by my bedside?
The essential oils, like, I sleep with.
-Oh. -Yeah, scent.
Different smells, and one of them's a hot dog essential oil.
"Hot dogs?"
Hot dogs?
[ Laughter ]
Sal: Here we go. Here we go.
You asked for your check.
-Yes. -Yeah.
-Thank you. -Great.
So, this is where you got -- You got --
I just want to make sure your double-dipped turkey.
-Yes. -Bowl of matzo ball.
Yeah.
And then there's a miscellaneous amount here.
There's an anonymous complaint for $6.
There's a complaint about you...
-Oh, I know who you are. -...for $6.
-Oh, you do? -Aw!
We're actually filming here today, so keep it between us.
I should have went with it.
[ Laughter ]
People don't realize we can't be fooled.
We always know when someone's personality goes, "Oh."
Sal: Q, so why don't you go look out the window?
Say, "Before you toss those bones, can I get a final suck?"
Q: Oh.
Joe: Murray is just hanging out.
right now.
Hey, guys, before you throw those bones out,
do you mind letting me get one more suck on them
or is that...?
I like to get the marrow.
you know?
I can suck?
[ Laughter ]
Nobody said --
what I'm doing anymore.
I don't even know what I'm doing anymore in my life.
Murr, Murr, Murr, Murr.
You'll suck their bones."
Oh, sure.
You'll suck their bones.
[ Laughter ]
Herman Shankovitz. Herman?
Murr: Herman? Herman Shankovitz?
Our SAT prep coach in high school.
[ Laughter ]
I do recall.
Joe: That's the first fun name I ever made up.
-That wasn't his real name? -No.
-You called him that? -Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
To his face. -Mm-hmm.
[ Laughter ]
Murr: Get it together. Get it together.
Joe: The backstory got him. I told you.
[ Laughter ]
That's a laugh!
[ Laughter ]
Joe, start your turn in the bathroom.
Sal: Joe, we'll cue you when to walk out of that door.
Point to her and say, "Masseuse."
"Ma deuce."
Q: Come on out, bud.
Hey, there. How you doing?
That's me.
Ma deuce.
[ Laughter ]
Oh!
over the table.
Make it a T. Make it a cross.
Yeah, face down.
Oh, no, not like that.
Oh.
Oh, sorry. Oh! Yeah.
"Sorry. I always get a little stupid after I deuce."
Sorry. I always get a little stupid after I deuce.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, God.
Joe, Joe, stretch a little
before you get on the table, buddy.
[ Laughter ]
You're supposed to stretch, right? I read that online.
Hey, Joe. "Sorry.
after I deuce."
Sorry. I always get a little stupid after I deuce.
It's totally normal.
my brains out."
[ Laughter ]
They say I shit my brains out.
[ Laughter ]
Now you want him to massage your body?
You just deuced.
on over your body?
Like, why is there no towel?
If you had to make love to one of us, who would it be?
Man: Oh, my God.
intimate, candles.
rose pedals.
You know, like "The Bridges of Madison County" kind of love.
♪♪
That was Q's breaking point.
We broke Q. He's gone.
Exit Q, stage right.
Q?
He left. He left the building.
Guys, I broke Q.
I posed the hypothetical question, if he had to make love
to one of us, who would it be, and he slowly walked off.
He's coming to get Sal 'cause that'd be his answer.
You know how amazing it would be if you
and I were totally gay and into each other?
What'd you say?
Sal, can you grab an empty water pitcher?
Yes. Let me just try to just find the cameras here.
Joe: Yep.
He's out there.
You see him right to your left?
Sorry. Right.
Camera right. Camera right.
Joe: Yeah, he's got a handycam.
You see him on your right? Two tables up on your right.
Tom Fannelle, our cameraman.
I don't see him. Two tables on my right?
No, no. His right, buddy.
Our left.
I'm looking at my right, buddy. Oh, your left.
Your left. It's our right.
Tom Fannelle. Tom, stand up.
He's standing now. You see him?
There's no Tom Fannelle here.
There never was a Tom Fannelle.
That's getting -- That joke's getting old.
[ Laughter ]
Everybody back here is enjoying it.
Sir, how are you?
off your entire order today.
You let me stand back from a distance
your behavior.
Yeah.
Great.
Don't mind me.
Alright, Murr.
about that one?"
Can I ask you a quick question about why you chose that one?
"Why not that one instead of this one?"
You chose...
You chose the basil one.
Why that one instead of say
over here, the bay leaf?
Well, 'cause none of those are basil.
None of those are basil, huh?
"So, you're saying, as a customer..."
"...when you want basil,
it's important that you get basil?"
So, as a customer, when you want basil,
it's important that you get basil?
Great.
[ Laughter ]
Ask him if he noticed how moist your vegetables are.
Did you notice how moist our vegetables are?
No, your vegetables.
Did you notice how moist my vegetables were?
Oh, okay.
Joe: "Buy me dinner first."
I mean, buy me dinner first.
"But by all means..."
But by all means...
"...touch my moist vegetables."
...touch my moist vegetables.
Very good.
"Subject doesn't seem like he eats fruit."
Subject doesn't seem like he eats fruit.
"Fine musk."
Fine musk.
That was odd.
How are you today? Good?
Good.
a team-building company.
"We know each other from a defensive driving course."
We know each other from a defensive
driving course in 2008.
Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
"I lost points on my license, but I made a friend."
I'll tell you this.
I lost points on my license, but I gained a friend.
[ Laughter ]
professionally.
Yeah, I think so. Team building? Sure.
to hire me and Joe
for team-building exercises...
We'll come out and team-build the [bleep] out of you.
Just a low six-figure and we will fly to you on your dime.
Low. Super-low six-figure.
And just Joe and me.
"So, what you guys are gonna do, you're each gonna draw a picture
the other person looks like."
this poster board here.
Let's do that first, right.
-Okay. -Alright, so, guys,
pictures of each other,
but then frame it all as positive.
What we're gonna do is we're gonna draw
a picture of each other.
-Of how we see each other. -Yeah.
is very important.
is the way
that people know the way you see them.
Alright, ready, guys?
Why don't you reveal them?
Okay.
That's Brian.
[ Laughter ]
Murr: You look like a doughnut with arms.
He's super happy.
He's one of the most positive people I know.
on life,
you like to be around.
super happy and positive.
That makes me feel good. Thank you about that.
Okay.
So, here. This is Joe.
This is how I see Joe.
[ Laughter ]
It's Joe Gatto, the Italian toucan.
so I made
the thought balloon there to show how thoughtful he is.
jumped out at me, yeah.
[ Laughter ]
Alright, James, how would you describe your ideal date?
Joe: "We'd embark on a journey to the Galapagos Islands..."
Well, we'd embark on a journey to the Galapagos Islands...
"...even though we've never met."
...even though we've never met.
"She got that diaper butt..."
She -- Wh-- She got that...
diaper butt.
"...and references 'Animal House' a lot."
"Animal House" a lot.
[ Laughter ]
Sal: Holy [bleep].
That's my ideal.
Diaper butt?
Yeah.
I don't know.
Okay. Diaper butt.
I've ever heard that one.
Brian, how would you define true love?
Whoo.
"Oh, that's made up by card companies and big chocolate."
I think true love is made up
by the card companies and big chocolate.
"The key is to breed with the biggest and strongest ones..."
and strongest...
Sal: "...so that you seed the saplings
that can protect you when the rioting starts."
...so that your seeds and your saplings...
when the rioting starts.
It's all about family is what I'm saying.
It's all about family.
It is.
of this room.
This is where you faked me with the girl that was hitting on me
the whole time, and she wasn't real.
She was an actress you hired.
Have you ever seen "Hamilton"?
I haven't seen it.
That would be really great.
Yeah.
right now.
There really is.
Okay, Blair, great job.
[ Laughter ]
That was a real woman.
She was a real actress faking flirting with me.
-Yeah. -Ah! [Bleep].
He hurt his neck yesterday.
I pull it every five days now.
I could barely move back here.
Can I get a nutritionist in here?
Dude, my entire back for days
just felt like there's just pain shooting from it.
People asked me what I did.
"I just shoveled dirt."
Alright, well, you know,
is always better for you?
Not for this day, but I want my body to be prepared.
For what?
without something.
Like love?
My parents prepared me for that.
Yeah.
What do you like? Juice?
Are you a big juicer?
Can't afford the heartburn.
"You know, juice is technically fruit urine."
Juice is essentially fruit urine.
squeeze that out
and then you have all that delicious fruit urine.
[ Laughs ] Okay.
So, juicing is a good option for me, you're saying?
[ Laughter ]
Sal: "This feels so great.
for you."
-This feels so good. -Oh, cool.
It's so funny how it's uneven
'cause I wish I could do something for you.
"Wait! I can! I can!"
Joe, try to sell him a timeshare in Kissimmee,
St. Cloud, Florida.
I actually have an opportunity
for a timeshare in Kissimmee, St. Cloud, Florida.
[ Laughter ]
-Oh, yeah? -Yeah.
Short drive from all the Orlando theme parks.
"It's a hop, skip, and a dip away."
It's a hop, skip, and a dip away.
This is really what I could do for you, friend.
I could take your information and have you come to a seminar.
It's a quick three-hour seminar
where you get a free toaster at the end.
Oh, for sure.
Yeah, you get the toaster.
"So, can I put you down?"
So, I could put you down for a yea?
-Maybe. -Maybe.
Okay, yeah. We'll discuss after.
Right now, I just want you to get the massage.
Look over here.
Look at this shit.
My birthday's two months ago.
I got a half-eaten cake.
I come into work today, there's a guy in a lobster costume.
There's a guy over here making custom Italian pastries,
"Happy Birthday."
Happy birthday, Joey.
I mean, don't get me wrong. I'm happy for your birthday.
Sal's counting calories right now.
I'm doing one bite of each one.
[ Laughter ]
Alright.
Murr, how do you feel about this?
-What? -Your birthday was recently.
Yeah, I got a massage therapist onsite.
Yeah, but that was just from me.
Nobody else got you anything.
Yeah, but where was your lobster costume and your to-do?
I feel like I got treated well...by Joe.
By Joe?
We're not talking about Joe.
treat each other well.
No, I feel like Joe really went out, you know.
Yeah, Joe.
He's making a dig at you.
He's not making a dig at the crew.
He's making a dig at you.
Why's he making a dig at me for?
You didn't get him anything.
I got him something.
You don't remember what I got you for your birthday?
What's that?
You really don't remember what I got you for your birthday?
Trying to remember.
Joe: He doesn't remember.
Murr: What did you get me?
He's a piece of garbage.
You got me... Was it, like a poster?
Alright, don't worry about it, bud.
Don't worry. Yeah, like a poster.
I don't know what to tell you people.
Anybody here. I have no friends.
I'm [bleep] with you.
Also, I didn't get him anything.
I know you didn't. I played along.
I know. Because he's so bad that he doesn't even know
He doesn't even know I didn't get him anything,
but I'm just gonna keep going like I'm insulted that he...
Murr, do you remember what you got me for my birthday?
Um...
What'd I get you?
You didn't get me anything.
No.
I'm not telling you.
If you don't remember, I'm not telling you.
That's absurd.
Do you remember what I got you?
No.
So I had the only memorable gift.
I guess that's what we're learning.
I do remember liking both gifts that you got me.
I just don't remember the specifics.
That's something, I guess.
That's something. At least you have that.
Joe: Alright, Murr, here we go. Sal's got your line.
Don't get me killed, please.
Pardon me. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt.
Do you...
Do you want me to ask him to leave?
I don't know if he was bothering you in some way.
Did you want me to ask him to leave?
I don't know if he's bothering you.
-No. -No, I don't.
-You don't? -"You don't?
You're telling me his voice is not getting to you?"
Really?
You're telling me --
You're telling me his voice isn't getting to you?
'Cause I was sitting over there, and I could hear over there,
if it was annoying you.
If it was, I'd ask him to leave, as a gentleman would do.
-We're good. -You're good?
"Great. Enjoy your lunch."
"And maybe speak less."
Maybe speak less.
Okay, I'll go.
Oh, Murr!
If you go out this place right now and you make a right,
you walk not even five -- not even --
like, three minutes, there's a park on the water right here.
I mean, directly on the water,
Yeah.
Why?
Okay, first of all, it spans like seven blocks.
It's brand-new. There's different sections,
so there's bocce ball, volleyball courts.
There's a misting station.
is a good yard addition.
Yeah.
misting stations
for my yard now.
Yeah, I mean, why wouldn't you do that?
'Cause you're not a zoo.
Little nicer than that, but --
No, no. You should get, like, you don't see any of that shit.
It's up in the...
It's up, like, so by the deck.
Have a tourist come in your house.
"Sure, come on over, friends.
That looks like you reel it out.
and just [bleep]
spray people and say, "Welcome to my house."
You don't see where they are.
Misting stations, they're gonna run you about $1,000.
You buy yourself a nice spray bottle.
"Welcome."
You're out of your [bleep] mind.
sitting poolside,
flick of a switch, a little misting station comes on.
Yeah, you're a [bleep] joke, [bleep].
I hate you.
They make the fans that have the spray incorporated.
Great. And now I got to do this as opposed to just lying there
coming at me the whole time.
Like you're a whale?
Like you're a beached whale? You got to keep wet?
Like I'm a beached whale.
You're insane. You're talking like you're an animal.
You're off target today.
have [bleep]
going on.
at my house.
♪♪