- Oh, hey, Hila. What's up?
- What? What are you wearing?
- Does this look good? Does this work today? Can I wear this?
- Do you ever just really miss the 90s, dude?
I just can't express myself in this year of 2016.
Not like in the 90s.
And I'm saying, I miss the 90s.
That's all I'm saying, okay? And I think all the 90s kids out there know exactly what I'm talking about.
I wanna show you guys my favorite music video from the 90s. C'mon!
(intro music)
- "Wow, Ethan! Great moves! Keep it up! Proud of you."
- Get your favorite 90s clothes on, your yellow socks
Because it's 90s hour, time to relive the magic, okay?
Embrace it! Express yourself! Just like these young men from B4-4!
Get down.
I'm ready to get down. Let's get down.
♫ (cheesy 90's boyband music) ♫
holyshitvrinthe90's.onions
♫ "I will be the one to love and comfort you from now until the day I die" ♫
- Yes, dude! That's the 90s!
A little boy's wandering around the streets, picks up some VR goggles from the garbage, puts it on,
And what do you see?
A fucking bronzed, frosted-tipped gentleman, talking about how he wants to fuck you.
- ♫ "I will be the one to love and comfort you from now until the day I die" ♫
- ♫ "I will take you places that you only think about when you're asleep at night" ♫
- ♫ "Let me take the time to understand and I will set your spirit free" ♫
- Virtual reality! People talking about like, "Oh, VR is gonna be so hot this year!"
B4-4's already done it! Okay?
What more VR games do I need than some bronze-assed, fucking frosted-tipped cutie pie
Talking about how he wants to get down on me?
(coughs in 3D)
- ♫ "If you get down on me, I'll get down on you" ♫
♫ "I will do anything that you want me to" ♫
♫ "It's a game of give and take to make it through" ♫
♫ "So if you get down on me, I'll get down on you tonight" ♫
- My God, when is the last time you've seen someone rock a puka shell necklace? It's so hot!
It has, like, a thousand times more pussy-slaying power than any bracelet I've ever seen.
The frosted tips!
There's probably ten girls sucking each of their dicks right now.
(breathless) Oh God!
- ♫ "Communicate, and I'll go under cover" ♫
♫ "Gonna make you come tonight" ♫
♫ "Over to my house" ♫
- Oh! That is such a dope line!
- Hila, I'm gonna make you come tonight.
Over to my house! You are?
And then I'm gonna make you come tonight.
I love their tan! God, I wish I looked like them. I'm fucking sick of being me.
You know what, Hila?
I think it's time to bring the 90s back.
I am, frankly, sick and tired of being in my skin.
2016 sucks, okay?
I can't get down on anybody, and nobody's getting down on me. I can tell you that for sure.
I've got an idea, dude.
I've got a fucking idea, dude. C'mon.
(coughs)
- So, what I wanted to look like is kind of like...
I want to have a really dark, nice bronze.
Like a Greek god, kind of?
Okay, so, yeah. But bascially,
- That is good.
- Okay, perfect. But like a Greek god, essentially. Bronze.
♫ If you get down on me, I'll get down on you ♫
♫ I'll do things to you that you never dreamed I'd do ♫
(coughs)
I feel like I'm in prison. (coughs)
-Turn around please.
How come--
I notice you've got a surgical mask on.
How come I don't—
I don't get that mask, huh?
Hila, do I look like a bronzed god?
- Yeah.
- Do you think I'm ready?
(coughs)
Don't talk when you're spraying it??
- Yes!
(coughs)
Could be a little darker.
(laughter)
How you doin'? Nice to see you.
I had tried my best to look like my favorite boy band idols.
But my skin wasn't dark enough.
And I just looked like a fat, broke-ass Justin Timberlake.
That's not who I wanted to be.
My hair wasn't sexy enough. I needed it to be edgier.
But as I cut away my beautiful locks,
I realized what a horrible mistake I had made.
I tried everything I could think of to fix it.
My look had failed.
But I knew I could count on my friends to pull me through.
Jon, I brought you here today because I want you to look like me.
I want you to join my boy band. Jon, I need you.
- Ethan, look at me. Okay, now look at you.
I don't do you.
Okay? You look like a...
You look like an Israeli carrot.
- So, is that a...
So, no, then? Is that a no?
- Yeah, I'll think about it, but that's probably a no.
No, that's a no.
- Jon had passed, but I had one more friend who I knew was even more desperate.
( ♫ "Get Down" ♫ )
- Doesn't it make you wanna smile, dude?
Get down! Feel that shit! Right, dude?
- Look, Ethan, I care about you a lot, but...
You look like a fucking idiot, man. You look like a highlighter with Down syndrome.
You've taken it too far. This is fucking stupid.
Get your shit together, okay?
No! NO!
You look like a fucking idiot. This is fucking stupid.
Ethan, don't talk to me. I don't ever want to hear from you again.
Get rid of this... this... this is not okay. That's blackface.
That's blackface, okay? That's racist.
What the fuck was that?
- It's my tan spray, Frank.
- So you can look more blackface? That's racist!
Okay, I'd expect something like this from you, but is Hila on board with this?
I'd expect this from you but not from Hila.
I'm disappointed.
[Hila] I thought it was okay.
- It's just a tan.
- That's blackface.
- So, it's a no, then?
- It's an absolutely, big, fat, fucking no.
- That's what I think about your shit, dude! Fuck you, man! It's not blackface, it's fucking bronzer!
Ah! You can't—
(Frank talking shit in the background)
You can't stop me from bronzing, dude!
Why don't you write a Tumblr post about it you fucking PC bitch?
Try to stop me from bronzing, dude!
(spits)
(coughs)
- You know what bronze means? Bronze means third place, you ain't shit nigga.
(coughs)
- Bronze means third place. You ain't shit!
Ethan, get your shit together!
(coughs)
- Yeah, this whole YouTube thing is great, but you're taking it way past... you're taking it past—
(coughs)
- I can't believe Hila is okay with this.
- If I'm gonna go it alone, I better do it right with the only boys I ever loved, B4-4.
And if they're B4-4, and there's only one of me, I guess that makes me a Quarter to One... After Five.
Which is before four, I'm five.
I'm B-5, Quarter to One.
Quarter to One o'Clock, Before B-5
Before there was four...
Before there was four, there was B-3, but I'm after four, so I'm actually B-5.
And I'm just one dude, so I'm Quarter to One.
Quarter to One B5-5.
I'm on my way now to meet the legendary music producer, Schmoyoho.
He's made some of the top hits of all time, and if he can't help me, nobody can.
So, this is what I'm going for: these guys. I'm going for, like, a 90s sound and look visually.
I don't know, what do you think?
- It's close. You're kind of like that guy's estranged cousin who didn't quite make the band. You're still in the family, though.
- Thank you so much for saying that. You really believe in me, don't you? Thank you.
Cool, dude.
Cool thing about this video is they're speaking directly to this kid, and, I mean, they wanna fuck the kid.
- huh.
- And I really identif—well, I don't want to say I identify with that, but I like
I mean, it's the 90s. That's the whole point.
If you can somehow convey frosted tips, and, like, a very, very dark tan
Puka shell necklaces. I want to hear that in the music.
- ♫ "Gonna make you come tonight, over to my house" ♫
- So, this is important, too. A lot of sexual innuendo. I wanna make you come.
Over to my house.
All right? So it's like, yes, I wanna fuck you, but, since Dad's also listening to this song, I just wanted to have you over for dinner.
- Something like that?
- Yeah.
- Here in the song.
- I have the sound that does that. I just put it inside my computer.
I have that sound, too!
That's my favorite sound!
- I'm just dancing to the music, dude. This isn't about you right now.
Okay, sorry. Yeah, let's get to work.
♫ Sweet piano melody ♫
- That's the kid. That's what I call "the kid instrument."
- I can see the kid watching me fuck!
Like, I can see a kid watching me fuck.
That was insane, dude!
♫ Sweet piano intro transitioning into 90's synth-pop ♫
Hey, everybody.
Let me take you back to a magical time. Back in the 1990s.
When you could pick up some binoculars, and peep some hot ass cuties, fucking babes, it doesn't matter what your age!
C'mon with me! Let's take it!
♫ Go to the beach and frost your tips ♫
♫ Stay in the sun 'till it looks like you have jaundice ♫
♫ Play some volleyball with some hot babes, take 'em to your Mom's place ♫
♫ Give 'em AIDs, spray them AIDs, yeah ♫
Woo!
♫ My little brother's watching with binoculars on ♫
♫ It might be wrong, but in the 90s, it's all right ♫
♫ 'Cause I'm wearing my puka shell necklace tonight, puka shell necklace tonight! ♫
♫ I'm gonna make you jizz- ♫
♫ -cuzzi with me tonight ♫
♫ sample of man saying "eh" x 5 ♫
Um...
Doesn't really sound that good.
♫ layered 'eh's become more distorted and weird ♫
I don't know, man. It's stupid.
♫ cacophony of 'eh's ♫
Maybe I made a mistake.
(groaning and heavy breathing)
Maybe the 90s aren't that dope. I don't know. I wasted a lot of time... and effort... on this...
(song fades out) (heavy breathing)
(softly) ♫ Making you jizz tonight... ♫
[Filthy Frank] "You've taken it too far, this is fucking stupid."