- What?
Come on people, it was just a yo mama joke alright,
I'm a comedian.
That's what I do.
I make fun of your mamas.
I make fun of your mama.
What was that?
This is a benefit show for orphans.
You know I hate orphans. (playful music)
I can't believe this.
I changed my Instagram profile pic
in solidarity with the movement.
And now I am being canceled for jumping on
the social media bandwagon
without doing any real inner work.
Inner work, it's for national mustache month.
There is no inner work.
It's just upper lip work. (playful music)
Okay, let me explain my last tweet to all of you ding bats
who are too slow to understand what I meant.
All I was trying to say was that I hate Twitter mobs
because they always try to tear down men of greatness
who are probably much smarter than they are.
And specifically I'm referring to men like me.
There we go.
That should clear things up and not explode in my face.
(playful music)
You're seriously not gonna give me the employee discount.
Honey, I was an employee like five years ago.
This is so disrespectful.
Oh, you're gonna call mall security on me now?
Rude.
How about I tape this little exchange hmm?
You are so getting canceled for this minimum wage employee.
I am the victim here.
All I want is 40% off. (playful music)
You're disciplining me for creating a hostile
and misogynistic atmosphere?
I am a woman.
If anything I have to be twice as aggressive
just to compete in this male dominated industry.
Plus I'm much smarter than all of you stupid mother (bleep).
(playful music)
My mind is changeable.
Change my mind.
If you change my mind then that will mean
that I will believe that my mind is unchangeable,
but if my mind is unchangeable,
then you couldn't have changed my mind in the first place.
Boom, wait, come back.
Let me prove my intellectual dominance.
(playful music)
Oh dear.
I'm baking cookies for a vegan birthday party
and the recipe calls for coconut oil instead of butter.
I mean, it's not that big of a deal
if I just use butter right?
Especially since I've already used milk and eggs
and candied bacon. (playful music)
My image in Hollywood is the bad boy.
The bad boy can't be too bad.
I'm cancel proof.
Anyway, what was your question again?
What do I think of the new Stranger Things?
It's meh. (playful music)
I am really sorry that someone in your family
is terminally ill.
With that being said, that report still needs to be done
by the end of the week.
Oh, you're the one who's sick.
So is the phrase a deadline's a deadline insensitive or?
(playful music)
Hi, I'd like a cheesy gordita crunch but instead of beef
could I get crumbled tempeh?
And instead of cheese let me get like nutritional yeast.
And instead of a Baja Blast can I get kale juice?
(crickets chirping)
Hello? (playful music)
Canceling people on social media is just a new iteration
of an old practice of crowds publicly shaming people.
For example, in 1765 in colonial Virginia
loyalist Archibald McCall was tarred
and feathered by an angry mob of colonists
over his enforcement of the stamp.
(playful music)
What's the deal with canceling people, am I a human being,
or am I a flight on spirit airlines?
Am I a performance of Shakespeare in the park perchance?
Am I my Netflix subscription?
But with that last one, I'm using my ex's account now.
(playful music)
Well this is fan freaking tactic.
Someone found an offensive post I made on the Mensa forums
when I was 11 years old.
It's not even the most offensive one I made.
This is a perfect example of why children
shouldn't be allowed on the internet.
Even a genius child like my 11 year old self
is basically an animal.
Why stop at the internet?
We should just deport them
and let them back in when they're like 30.
(playful music)
Yes I wrote a children's book series about love and magic
and the power of friendship, blah, blah, blah details.
But I never thought those kind of people
would like my books.
Yeah I'm pretty open minded okay.
But those kind of people, I don't like them.
To be clear I'm talking about extroverts.
(playful music)
Oh no, the unwashed masses are canceling me
for being insensitive to poor people.
Well when I wake up tomorrow morning
and nothing in my life is actually changed
I'll be sure to dry my tears with a hundred dollar bill.
(playful music)
I wanna apologize sincerely for accusing my ex
of weaving a web of lies.
It has been brought to my attention that this phrase
is insensitive to spiders.
They're just doing their best.
They're not as a species particularly untruthful.
Having now grown as a person I will instead be referring
to her as a liar, liar, pants on fire.
(playful music)
♪ They call him Mr. Frank James ♪
♪ Strolling down the internet boulevard ♪
♪ Playing all those YouTube games ♪