Can I just say
that I am loving everything about this city.
It is my first time here spending time,
and I am loving everything about it.
Like, every day is a party in Miami.
Like, every day.
It doesn't matter where you go.
I went to a church service the other day,
and they didn't have a choir-- they had a deejay.
It was the dopest thing. It was like...
♪ Do unto others, others, others, others... ♪
(song escalating)
♪ Jesus died for your sins. ♪
(mimicking dance beat)
We were praying until 6:00 in the morning.
(laughter, whooping)
Glad we prayed.
And I don't know if it's just me,
but I-I feel like-- I feel like everybody out here
is excited about the midterms.
You guys excited? Yeah?
(cheering and applause)
You can feel that energy.
You know, uh-- you know who else is, uh, really excited?
Donald Trump.
(booing)
Oh, wow.
Wow.
You guys sound like a roomful of Melanias.
Wow.
Anyway, just-just like you,
uh, President Trump knows that the midterms
are only seven days away.
And so, to motivate his voters,
right, he's-he's doing something really special.
Well, it's the thing that he does best.
He's scaring the shit out of his voters, all right,
specifically by using brown people.
It's sort of like Halloween but a racist Halloween, you know?
Or as Megyn Kelly calls it, Halloween.
And, uh...
and so, every day, Trump's number one focus
has been the caravan.
I don't know if you've seen this.
And if you don't know, the caravan
is basically a group of a few thousand people
who are walking to the United States
from impoverished and crime-ridden countries
like Honduras and Guatemala,
and they're walking to the U.S. partly as a protest
and partly to apply for asylum and a better life.
And-and it's a tough journey.
They've got no food, they've got no water,
there's nowhere to bathe.
It's basically like Burning Man,
except the people aren't pretending to be poor,
you know what I'm saying?
Like, it's-it's a group of people who are saying
to America, "Hey, we're in trouble.
Can you help us?"
And Trump has responded with this.
The U.S. military said today it's sending
more than 5,000 active duty troops
to the Mexican border to deal with a caravan
of Central Americans who intend to seek asylum here.
WOMAN: Those 5,200 troops actually outnumbering
the roughly 4,000 migrants making up that caravan,
and nearly equaling the number of U.S. personnel
fighting ISIS in Iraq.
-Really? -(booing)
Trump is sending the same amount of troops
to deal with asylum seekers as he sent to fight ISIS?
Like, that has got to be so weird for the troops.
It will be one guy talking to another is like, "I'm headed
"to Iraq to stop a violent death cult
from destroying civilization. Where are you going?"
It's like, "Oh, I'm going to try to convince a baby
to crawl south, yeah, just switch around."
And you know what's even worse
is that Trump is sending more troops
than there are migrants, right?
So the troops can basically play man-on-man defense, you know?
Just like, "Okay, you get Juan, I'll get Jose.
"I'll take the old lady. Come on, come on, Abuela.
"Come on, Abuela. Come on, come on.
Aah, she got through my legs! Goddamn it, Abuela!"
(cheers and applause)
Are you gonna send more?
And now, and now, just-just so we're on the same page--
these people aren't illegal anything, right?
They're planning to apply for asylum
once they get to the U.S. border, right?
It's not like they're just gonna rush across the border
like a giant game of red rover. That's not what's gonna happen.
Although, that would be super dope. Can we admit
-that that would be super dope? Yeah. -(applause)
Like, in fact, instead of having a border wall,
America should have the troops holding hands at the border.
Right? And then the immigrants run,
and if they break through, you get citizenship.
-I think that's a fair game. -(applause and cheering)
I'm watching that show!
I don't know about you, but I'm watching that show.
"This summer on NBC,
it's Red Rover: Citizenship Edition."
'Cause I'm sorry. This is just ridiculous.
Instead of sending 5,000 troops to the border,
why not send 5,000 judges and lawyers
to help with the asylum process? Why send the troops?
(cheers and applause)
Anything would make more sense than sending 5,000 troops.
Like, it would even make more sense
if Trump was just like, "You know what?
"America is just gonna turn off the lights
and pretend no one is home." That would even make more sense.
Just like, "Shh. Everyone, be quiet!"
Although, you know Trump would mess that up.
Everyone would be quiet, and he'd be like, "We're not here!"
(laughter)
"Mike Pence told me to say we're not here!"
And now, I think the reason Donald Trump is sending troops
to these asylum seekers instead of help is because, in his mind,
this is an invasion,
and when I say "in his mind," what I mean is on Fox News.
Thousands upon thousands of migrants literally marching
to the U.S. in what would be a mass invasion
in order to demand entry.
This migrant caravan-- it's not a caravan, it's an invasion.
Here is a mob of humanity
driving towards the U.S. Southern border.
This looks a lot like an invasion.
-It's an actual invasion. -An invasion.
Thousands and thousands of people on the bridge.
When you looked at that bridge loaded up with people,
that's called an invasion of our country.
Really, an invasion?
Get the (bleep) out of here, man! An invasion?
(cheers and applause)
Let me ask you this. Let me ask you this.
Let me ask you this.
What kind of invaders apply to come in
and give their enemy three-months warning?
Yeah, what kind of invasion is that?
Like, I missed the history class where Paul Revere was like,
"The British are coming!
"But not until, like, April, okay?
"King George just wanted me to tell you guys in advance
'cause he knows you guys are, like, super busy, okay?"
And like... here's my problem.
(applause and cheering)
Here's my problem.
Here's my problem with all the fearmongering.
My big problem with the fearmongering
about this caravan is that
Trump and his friends-- they don't even seem
to know what they're afraid of.
And they're coming with diseases such as small pox and leprosy
and TB, that are gonna affect our people in the United States.
The overwhelming majority are young men in their twenties.
They're strapping, they're strong.
WOMAN: We got HIV, measles, pertussis, rubella, rabies,
hepatitis A, influenza, TB, shigellosis, syphilis.
When you look at that caravan
and you look... of largely very, you know,
big percentage of men,
young, strong, a lot of bad people.
-(laughter) -That's right.
These migrants are both super strong
and riddled with disease.
These are the strongest lepers I've ever seen!
(laughter, applause, whistling)
They're just coming across the border...
their jacked arms falling off in the streets.
(laughter)
Make up your mind.
And honestly, honestly, if I were the migrants,
I would be worried about catching
one of America's weird diseases.
Have you seen the shit people have in this country?
If I was a migrant, I'd be like,
(Latino accent): "Hey, man, I want a better life,
"but I don't know about America.
"I don't want to catch a gluten intolerance, man.
-(laughter) -"You hear they have irritable bowel syndrome
"up there, man?
"I had a cousin who went there.
"Two months later, he had restless leg syndrome.
You can't cure that shit."
-And now... -(applause, cheering, whistling)
And now, I know...
I know some of you right now are asking me, you're going,
"Trevor, why do you even bother with Fox News?
"You know who they are.
"They're always bringing... they're bringing xenophobia,
they're bringing racism," and that's true.
That is true. But here's the thing,
I assume that some of them are good people.
-(laughter) -Because even though this network
might seem like one giant caravan of dangerous extremists,
I believe there are people in there who mean well.
The migrants, according to Fox News reporting,
are more than two months away,
if any of them actually come here.
But tomorrow is one week before the midterm election,
which is what all of this is about.
There is no invasion.
No one's coming to get you.
There's nothing at all to worry about.
We're America-- we can handle it.
-(applause) -Now, that's a guy who deserves asylum.