-Thank you very much.
So, I'm originally from Wisconsin.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah. Thank you. Yeah.
That's why I always have a look on my face like, "Holy cow.
My Adderall just kicked in."
And it's a little too strong.
My friends tell me that I'm extra, and I think that's good.
My friends are always telling me to tone it down.
I ran into my friend on the street the other day
and I go, "Hi!"
And he goes, "No!"
He's like, "Don't do that."
I think that's why I don't have any kids, you know?
I think even my swimmers are too nice.
I think they swim right over to the egg,
and they're like, "I don't want to be a bother."
I'm just going to hang out over here in the friend zone.
If you want to make a baby, ram into me."
Sorry.
Yeah. I'm a feminist. I love women.
I used to live in one.
Yeah. Oh, you too? Okay, yeah.
Yeah, I'm not bitter that I got evicted.
But I think that that's one of the reasons
why I am the way that I am.
I grew with a hardcore feminist mom, which is great.
But when I was 10-years-old, she'd take me to these rallies.
They'd be like, "Men are bad."
And I'd be like, "I am becoming one.
Crap.
Well, I guess I'll half-ass it."
And here you have it. [ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you.
I also grew up poor. How poor was I?
We were so poor that I had to have
hand-me-down clothing from my mom.
Do you know how terrible that was?
My best friend had a leather jacket.
I had a sweatshirt with a kitten yawning.
It said, "I don't do mornings."
My mom was like, "Do you know what would go great with that?"
I'm like, "Yeah, karate lessons.
'Cause right now, I'm dressed in drag,
but as a lady approaching menopause.
Who doesn't do mornings."
I'm surprisingly straight.
I'll tell you that. Yeah.
I remember when I came out to my parents as straight.
They were like, "Oh, okay.
We can't wait to meet your girlfriend.
And if we never meet her, that's okay, too.
We'll just nickname her Santa."
It's crazy to me that, in this day and age,
people still stay the dumbest things about sexuality.
Like, I was at the bar the other night,
and this fella -- He goes, "Oh, no way that you're straight."
And I go, "why?"
And he goes, "'Cause you're so nice."
And I go, "Well, that's not how sexuality works."
I've never heard a guy be like,
"You -- I'm taking you home tonight, fella."
And I was like, "Well, okay.
Oh, I have no boundaries.
Third time this week.
I am so worn out from being kind."
No, I sometimes wish that I was
a little less of a sensitive guy.
You know, like, the other night,
I was in bed with my girlfriend, who's female.
And she goes, "Talk dirty to me."
And I go, "You're a person."
She goes, "What do you want to do to me?"
And I was like, "I'm going to get you pregnant
and then, you know, just, like, be there for you."
Yeah. Edgy guy.
But I do think that we need to keep making
things better for women, 'cause let's face it --
it's ridiculous.
We're the only animal on the planet that pretends like
the female of our species is weak.
Have you guys ever met a woman? Not weak at all.
No. Could you imagine ever pretending like any other animal
was weak just because it was the girl of that animal?
You would never be standing on the beach going, "Oh, my God.
I can't believe that Larry just got eaten by a girl shark."
Girls sharks be crazy.
Yeah, they're emotional eaters.
She's like, "I had a bad day. Larry."
Then she's like, "Why did I eat all of Larry?"
"Bridget, why didn't you split Larry with me?
Now I feel like a sea cow."
Thank you. I'm Pete Lee. Thank you very much.
[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪
-Oh, my god. Oh, my god.
-Thank you.
-Amazing!
The great Pete Lee, everybody.
Follow him on Twitter @peteleetweets.