Welcome to the fifth annual Battle of the Bards!
Introducing your reigning champion:
Zephyr The Great!
And his challenger:
The Great Aunty.
It's The Great Antrius!
No-no it's Antrius the Great!
Break a leg, Cantrius.
Oh blow yourself you hot air balloon.
Now I want a nice clean Bard-off.
Nothing below the belt.
Oh wait a minute. You're Bards.
Everything is below the belt!
This is why we don't invite two Bards to the one table.
Yeah don't worry, I brought my earplugs.
Let the Bard-off begin!
Oh what's that sound? It's a dying cat!
No wait it's a talentless Bardic twat.
Just a has-been hack who sings from his ass.
He's a total embarrassment to the Bardic class.
Antrius will never be any itty-bitty bit as good as me.
You think you're a god, please!
You're a codpiece.
Now suck this D--
Natural.
- Did you see that? - He's cheating!
Looks fine to me.
My licks are sick, my wit is quick, my fingering is tight.
You're barely our of preschool you hairless little sprite.
I'm not the Bard you think you know, I'm awesome and you stink you know.
The world can hear my song reverberating!
We better wrap this up.
Your mom and dad are waiting...
At my house!
Boo!
Oh no!
Not your G-string again.
This is just like Bard College!
As if you weren't a loser to begin with
Look at the flumph-huggers you walked in with.
Oh-oh my word!
It's a half-elf, half-turd.
And a hinky, stinky, pinky, scroat
Like a pig polymorphed into a goat.
Friends like those are last resorts
They're a drain, they're a pain, they're a stain on your shorts.
They're the awful smell that you can't quite place.
They're a big loud wet hot fart in your face.
Not again grandpa!
It wasn't me!
Cheat all you want but this is how art sounds.
While you were boning up on your magic fart sounds
I was getting practical, practicing tactical timing.
With every single syntax I maximize actual rhyming!
I'm a card, I go hard on lute, flutes, and guitars.
I'm the star they regard as the Bard spittin' bars.
Lookin' a little cold there, Cantrius.
Antrius will never be any itty-bitty bit as good as he.
He thinks he's a god, please!
He is a codpiece.
He cannot compete with this G--
Flat.
Are you just gonna let this scrawny brat beat you?
After what he said about us?
Yeah, I thought you were "Antrius The Great"
Not "Antrius The Great Big Disappointment"!
He's cheating!
I can't win.
Not on your own...
But it's a good thing you brought back-up!
And the winner is...
Zephyr The Great!
You've not won, son.
I'm not done, son.
I've got friends and you've got none, son!
Time to sack up.
I've got back-up!
Leave Zephyr alone!
With friendship you get your wish.
With friendship I'll gut you like a fish!
Friendship means you get your turn.
Friendship helps your enemies burn.
Friendship is the food on your plate.
It's the knife in the throat of the people that you hate.
It's the white hot rage that helps you win the war.
It's the brains on the walls and the blood on the floor.
We'll destroy you!
And that's what friends are for!
He's cheating! Disqualify him!
What's wrong, Zephyr? Can't win without magic?
You're nothing!
Shut up and listen.
Zone of Truth.
I stole this flute from someone else.
I don't know how to dance.
Life's not what I wanted.
There's a sock inside my pants.
I got kicked out of college and my folks think I'm a creep.
I wear a wig. I porked a pig.
I cry myself to sleep.
Don't high-five him you stupid hand!
Friendship's a vessel that grows ever grander.
But then again every ship needs a commander.
Friendship is found in my smoldering stare,
And the pick of my loot, and the flick of my hair.
Friendship is the take you do for kicks.
It's the back-up singers that are lower in the mix.
It's the post-credits scene. It's the afterword.
It's the two in the back that are ever-slightly blurred.
It's the subtle underscore.
But I'm who they adore!
Get out of my house.
Let's see who's got the finest, fiddliest fingers.