- If I'd had the money, I could have been living
in a swinging condo instead of with-
I'd better not say anything 'til I've had my coffee.
(audience laughs)
A slut and a moron.
(audience laughs)
I'm sorry, it must be decaf.
(audience laughs)
(lighthearted jingle)
Oh, come on, ma.
That's superstitious nonsense.
You know, step on a crack, break your mother's back.
It doesn't work.
I know.
(audience laughs)
I tried.
(audience laughs)
- I think I can handle this relationship with Dirk.
I'm going out with him Saturday night.
- Was there ever any doubt?
(audience chuckles)
- Momentarily.
This is strictly off the record but,
Dirk's nearly five years younger than I am.
(audience laughs)
- In what, Blanche, dog years?
(audience laughs)
- Blanche Devereaux?
(audience groans)
- Just a moment.
(audience chuckles)
(audience laughs and applauds)
- My God.
My rear tires have less pressure in them.
(audience laughs)
- What is it?
I heard screams, what's happening?
- Nothing. Everything's fine, Blanche.
- We never should have watched "Psycho."
(audience laughs)
For 25 years I have avoided that picture.
Even when Stan invited me to the Roxy
instead of over to his mother's house for dinner.
And it turned out that my instincts were right.
Norman Bates is scarier than my mother-in-law.
(audience laughs)
And a much better dresser.
- Oh, I never should have watched it either.
It always upsets me, especially that shower scene.
Why it's the reason I prefer not to shower alone.
(audience laughs)
- Sure, Blanche.
And Goldilocks and the three bears
is why you prefer not to sleep alone.
(audience laughs)
- Honey, you all right?
- I'll be fine.
- Is this about Arnie?
- No Blanche,
she's upset because they keep changing the taste of Coke.
(audience laughs)
- Oh girls, I'm so sorry to be late.
I ran out of gas on the way home.
It was just horrible.
Nobody would stop to help me.
This could never have happened in the Old South.
(audience chuckles)
What has become of chivalry?
When men used to open doors for you, pull out your chair,
tip their hat, kiss your hand,
help you down outta your carriage.
Leave calling cards in little silver salvers.
(audience laughs)
- So how far back do you want to go, Blanche?
I mean, do you still want to be able to vote?
(audience laughs)
- Move it.
(audience laughs)
- We're gonna miss our plane.
What are we gonna do?
- Listen girls, I have an idea.
Now I'm gonna create a diversion by bending over
and picking up something seductively.
Then the two of you sneak up behind him
and give him a karate chop.
- Blanche, what do we look like, Charlie's Angels?
(audience laughs)
- I have been told I bear a striking resemblance
to Ms. Cheryl Ladd.
(audience laughs)
Although my bosoms are perkier.
(audience laughs)
- Not even if you were hanging upside down on a trapeze.
(audience laughs)
- Wait, how many boyfriends
could a naive farmer's daughter possibly have had?
(audience chuckles)
- 56.
(audience laughs)
- Excuse me?
- I had about 56 boyfriends.
Of course, that was before I knew Charlie.
I probably would've had more,
but I wasn't allowed to start dating till I was a senior.
(audience laughs)
- 56? 56?
- Oh God, stand back, she's gonna blow!
- What do you mean you had 56 boyfriends?
You told me you were a virgin until you got married.
- Hey, you can have a boyfriend
without having to go all the way!
- You cannot.
(audience laughs)
If that were true, Rose, that would mean you were a slut.
- Oh, come on, Blanche.
How can you say that?
So the woman had 56 boyfriends in one year?
She's not a slut.
- Thank you, Dorothy.
- She is the slut.
(audience laughs)
She is the Grand Poobah of slutdom.
(audience laughs)
She is the easiest woman in this room.
- Dorothy Zbornak, you take that back.
(audience laughs)
- The slut is dead, long live the slut.
(audience laughs)
- 98 pounds.
I can't remember the last time I weighed 98.
Probably college.
- Where'd you go to college, Blanche?
The University of Jupiter?
(audience laughs)
- Dorothy, do you realize
it's only two weeks till Phyllis Strickler's
Memorial Day beach party?
That and there's only two weeks
till we have to get back to our bathing suits again.
Well, I just slipped into last year's bikini,
and I think I look pretty good, but
you give me your honest advice.
Can I still pull it off?
- Right now I'd be surprised if you could cut it off.
(audience laughs)
- Dorothy, come look at these old pictures.
I think I must've been about 10 years old in this one.
Big daddy just taught me how to ride a horse (chuckles).
- You were quite a little porker back then, weren't you?
(audience laughs)
- I was a little chunky, that's all.
- Blanche, the horse's eyes are crossed.
(audience laughs)
(Dorothy laughs)
You were fat!
- Every little girl goes through that ugly stage.
- Yeah, ugly, yes, but this is ugly and fat (laughs)!
(audience laughs)
Rose, why don't we just show Mr. Vaughn around the theater?
- Well, why don't I just do that myself?
Since I've had the most experience performing here.
- Blanche, the parking lot doesn't count, I'll do it.
(audience laughs)
- They were probably looking for drugs.
(audience laughs)
- We have Maalox and estrogen.
(audience laughs)
- I'll make it up to you, Dorothy, I promise.
Listen, if there's ever a night where you can't sleep,
I'll come to your room and sing "Kumbaya."
(audience laughs)
- Rose, I don't know what to say (chuckles).
Yes, I do.
(audience laughs)
Don't ever do that.
(audience laughs)
- I just had a thought.
- Congratulations. - Way to go.
(audience laughs)
(Rose screams)
(Dorothy screams)
(audience laughs)
- Oh, Dorothy, what do you mean sneaking up on me like that?
You scared me half to death!
- I'm sorry, Rose.
Next time I walk into a dark room
in the middle of the night,
I'll send a mariachi band ahead of me.
(audience laughs)
- Mrs. Zbornak.
- Mrs. Petrillo.
(audience laughs)
- Oh good, you two are talking.
(audience laughs)
- We're not talking.
I'm still furious with ma
for hooking me up with that matchmaker.
- That reminds me of a story
about St. Olaf's most famous matchmaker.
- Oh please, Rose!
Spare me the endless inane details
of how Heidi Flugendugelgurgenplotz
successfully matched a bull with a duck.
(audience laughs)
And how their daughter was a bull-duck
who ran a small tattoo parlor in Carmel.
(audience laughs)
- Dorothy, Sophia,
I told the news director
I was interested in the reporter's position.
And guess what he did?
- A Danny Thomas spit-take?
(audience laughs)
- We have everything we need for the cruise.
- Girls listen,
maybe we don't have everything we need.
- What, what are we missing?
- Well, we are going away for a romantic weekend
at The Bahamas with Jeff and Rich and Randy.
In this day and age,
it might be a good idea to take along some protection.
- What kind of protection?
(audience chuckles)
- Two armed Pinkerton guards.
(audience laughs)
No, blanche is talking about...
- A Nestle's Crunch?
(audience laughs)
- One over.
- Enema bag?
(audience laughs)
- To the right.
- DentuGrip?
- Condoms, Rose! (audience laughs)
Condoms, condoms, condoms!
(audience laughs)
- Whatever happened to her?
- She colonized life on Venus.
(audience laughs)
Rose, she was 94 when I was six.
She died, you idiot.
(audience laughs)
- How did she die?
(audience laughs)
- You know, we're not sure.
One night, she left in her wheelchair
and she never came back.
The next day, the neighborhood kids
had a go-kart with two really big back wheels.
(audience laughs)
Rose, that is a happy woman in there.
Now I want you to promise that you will not say anything.
Do you promise?
(audience laughs)
Are you sure?
- Let's not be so sad.
(audience laughs)
Oh!
Oh, I just-
(audience laughs)
I just never, never had two better friends.
I just can't stand the thought of leaving you.
(Blanche smacks lips)
(Dorothy smacks lips)
(audience laughs)
- Oh, Blanche, you look gorgeous, shut up, Rose.
(audience laughs)
Are you ready?
- [Blanche] Yes, I guess!
- Stop!
(Rose thuds)
(door slams)
(audience laughs)
Boy, life sure has a way of throwing you curve balls.
When I was younger,
I never would have imagined that I'd be worrying about money
at this stage of my life.
- I used to think Stan would take care of me.
I mean, we didn't have much saved,
but he was a darn good novelty salesman.
Sounds naive now to think
that I placed my hopes for the future on a bald pinhead,
with the morals of a maggot who made his living
selling plastic dog doo.
(audience laughs)
(Dorothy sighs)
Well, at least I'm not bitter.
(audience laughs)
- Dorothy, guess who's here.
- My date!
- Your husband.
- I don't have a husband, call the police.
(audience laughs)
- Your ex-husband.
- I'll call the police.
(audience laughs)
- Hi, everyone it's me, Stan.
(door thuds)
- Dorothy.
(audience laughs)
In the future I would appreciate
a little advanced notice when you're expecting a gentleman.
I realize this time it's only Stan,
but next time it could be somebody appealing,
or charming or at least reasonably good looking.
No offense, Stan.
(audience laughs) - None taken.
Dorothy, could we talk for a minute?
- Of course, for a minute, come on.
- You bring your wife with you
or did you make her stay home and clean out her toy box?
(audience laughs)
- Ma, don't you remember?
I told you, Stan and Chrissy got a divorce.
- I thought you said Stan and Chrissy got a horse.
(audience laughs)
I'm 80, you gotta enunciate.
Don't get me wrong.
Horse, divorce.
I could care less.
I just hate being left with egg on my face.
(audience laughs)
- All right, Stan, what's wrong?
- What makes you think there's something wrong?
- Oh, please, Stan.
We were married for 38 years.
You can disguise your bald head,
but you can't hide your emotions.
(audience laughs)
Now what's wrong?
- I lost it, Dorothy (sobs).
(audience laughs)
- You never had it, Stanley.
(audience laughs and applauds)
- Girls, just wait until you see
the little number I picked up at the museum banquet!
(audience cheers)
Here I come!
(audience applauds)
- I don't believe it.
- It can't be!
- Hey, don't panic.
Pick up one for Rose, you can go as the Pointer Sisters.
(audience laughs)
- All right Dorothy, what are we going to do about this?
- We are not going to do anything.
Blanche, it has taken me a whole month to find this dress.
You are simply going to have to take yours back.
- Oh, Dorothy, be reasonable!
This dress looks so much better on me than it does on you.
- Hi girls.
(door slams)
Oh I love your dress.
(audience laughs)
- I am not taking mine back.
- Girls, I really need to talk to you.
- Dorothy, this is crazy.
Since when do you care how you look?
(audience laughs)
- I think it started when I came down from the bell tower
and had my hump fixed.
(audience laughs)
- Buddy's going back to Boston on Saturday.
- This dress looks sensational on me.
People expect to see me in a sensational dress.
- What do they expect to see me in?
A yarmulke and a Hefty bag?
(audience laughs)
Okay, girls, which goes better?
The silver chain or the pearls?
- The chain?
An amateur's mistake.
Can't you see that the chain
accentuates the many folds of that turkey-like neck?
(audience laughs)
- Well that may be,
but the pearls draw attention to the nonexistent bosom!
(audience laughs)
- Yes, but the chain leads the eye even lower,
to that huge spare tire,
(audience laughs)
jutting out over those square, manly hips.
- Why don't I just wear a sign that says "too ugly to live?"
(audience laughs)
- Fine, but what are you going to hang it from,
the chain or the pearls?
(audience laughs)
- Neither, I'm gonna spray paint it on my hump!
(audience laughs)
How do I look?
- Great, Dorothy.
You're going out with Eddie again?
- Yes.
Oh, by the way, Blanche,
I borrowed your gold earrings if that's okay?
- Oh, it's fine.
But I do think I should caution you.
They were meant for petite ears.
(audience laughs)
- They'll just have to do
until Disney unveils their Dumbo line.
(audience laughs)
- Oh my goodness.
Look what I found.
Double fudge cookies.
I thought we agreed not to keep cookies in the house.
- Right, after this last box.
- You're not going to eat them, are you?
- Oh no, Rose.
We're gonna go to some dumb country
and try to use them as money.
(audience laughs)
Morning everybody.
Rose, honey, I hope you don't mind.
I borrowed your golf gloves.
I have a date to play this morning.
- With a man?
- No Blanche, with a Venus flytrap.
(audience laughs)
Of course, with a man.
- Is it Raymond again?
- As a matter of fact, yes.
- Raymond?
Isn't he the guy you picked up at the grocery store?
- I did not pick him up.
He asked me if I could recommend a good coffee.
And then I threw myself underneath his shopping cart.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, I think he sounds really nice.
- He is, he is.
We've had a wonderful time together these past few weeks.
You know, girls, I really like him.
And I think he likes me.
- Just don't ruin it and sleep with him.
(audience laughs)
- Of course not, ma,
I only do that with men I plan to scar psychologically.
(audience laughs)
- I am the smartest woman in the whole world!
- And I am the pygmy queen.
(audience laughs)
- No, wait a minute.
Blanche, what would you say if I got a permit
that would let you have as many people stay here
as you want?
- What? Oh, that's terrific!
Rose.
This says I'm going to turn the home
into a halfway house for recently released criminals.
(audience laughs)
- Yes, Rose, you are the smartest person in the world.
Burger world.
(audience laughs)