YOU KNOW, IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN, THISÑi IS OUR 100th SHOW, RIGHT?
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) 100 SHOWS TONIGHT.
I WANT TO THANK EVERYBODY ON THE STAFF, I WANT TO THANK THE BAND
FOR BEING HERE.
I WANT TO THANK THE AUDIENCE, EVERYBODY WHO WORKS SO HARD ON
THE SHOW EVERY NIGHT.
EVEN AFTER ALL THIS TIME, IT IS HARD, SOME NIGHTS, TO DECIDE
WHAT I SHOULD TALK ABOUT.
THERE IS SO MUCH GOING ON.
SHOULD I TALK ABOUT THE FIGHT OVER THE SUPREME COURT VACANCY
OR THE BIRTH OF THE BOSTON ZOO'S NEW BABY GOAT?
OH, MY GOD, HE IS ADORABLE.
(LAUGHTER) SENATE, CONFIRM HIS NOMINATION.
(LAUGHTER) FORTUNATELY, I DON'T HAVE TO
DECIDE WHAT TO COVER BECAUSE, TONIGHT, I AM RELINQUISHING
TOTAL EDITORIAL CONTROL TO THE...
>> AUDIENCE: WHEEL!
OF!
NEWS!
♪ >> STEPHEN: HERE'S HOW THIS
WORKS.
WE HAVE INSTALLED A GIANT SPINNING WHEEL ON THE CEILING OF
THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER WITH CATEGORIES LIKE "ENTERTAINMENT,"
"POLITICS," "SPORTS", "POTPOURRI."
IT IS AN ACTUAL PHYSICAL WHEEL BOLTED TO THE CEILING WEIGHING
17,000 POUNDS.
IT COULD SNAP OFF AT ANY SECOND AND CRUSH EVERYONE IN THE
BALCONY-- THAT IS WHY THE TICKETS ARE FREE.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) BUT YOU WILL MAKE IT INTO THE IN
ME MORE YUM REEL.
(LAUGHTER) WHEN I PULL THIS LEVER, THE
WHEEL SPINS, THEN I TALK ABOUT WHATEVER CATEGORY IT LANDS ON.
LONG TIME "WHEEL OF NEWS" VIEWERS KNOW THAT THE FIRST TIME
WE SPUN THIS THING THERE WAS A SLIGHT PROBLEM IN THAT I DID NOT
GIVE MY TEAM ENOUGH TIME TO WORK ON IT.
SO I HAD MY SCENIC, BRENDAN, COME OUT FROM UNDER MY DESK AND
SPIN A SMALLER WHEEL.
BUT GREAT NEWS, THIS WEEK, I WAS GENEROUS AND GAVE MY TEAM BARELY
ENOUGH TIME TO MAKE THE SPINNING WHEEL.
SO LET'S NEWS IT.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) ( WHEEL CLICKING )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) "PRODUCT RECALL!"
YOU REALLY HAVE TO FEIGN INTEREST IN THE SUBJECT QUICK
THAN THAT.
(LAUGHTER) EARLIER THIS WEEK, THE MARS
CORPORATION ISSUED A RECALL IN 55 COUNTRIES WHEN IT WAS
REVEALED THAT A WOMAN IN GERMANY FOUND RED PLASTIC IN HER
SNICKERS BAR.
JUST LIKE THE SLOGAN: "HUNGRY?
WHY WAIT?" BECAUSE YOU COULD CHOKE ON
SHARDS OF PLASTIC.
(LAUGHTER) THIS DISCOVERY LEFT THE WOMAN
FEELING A COMBINATION OF "HUNGRY" AND "ANGRY" THAT
SNICKERS LIKES TO CALL "LITIGIOUS."
(LAUGHTER) POP A WHEELIE!
( WHEEL CLICKING ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
"POLITICS!" (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
ACCORDING TO THE "WALL STREET JOURNAL," DONALD TRUMP'S
CAMPAIGN MIGHT BE DESTROYING MARRIAGES, WHICH IS SHOCKING.
UP TILL NOW, ALL TRUMP WAS DESTROYING IS THE REPUBLICAN
PARTY.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) APPARENTLY, TRUMP HAS BEEN
CAUSING HUSBANDS AND WIVES TO ARGUE UNTIL THEY'RE ORANGE IN
THE FACE.
(LAUGHTER) ONE COUPLE DISAGREES SO STRONGLY
THAT THEY'VE INSTITUTED A RULE: WHEN TRUMP COMES ON THE TV, THEY
SWITCH TO THE NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC CHANNEL BECAUSE,
WHEN YOU'RE MARRIED, TURNING OFF THE TV IS NOT AN OPTION.
(LAUGHTER) LET'S SPIN!
( WHEEL CLICKING ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
5000!
I WON 5000!
( "PRICE IS RIGHT" THEME ) I CAN'T WAIT TO FIND OUT OF
WHAT.
SPIN CITY!
( WHEEL CLICKING ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
"A RECENT STUDY!" (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
ACCORDING TO A RECENT STUDY, BOTH MEN AND WOMEN AGREE THAT,
BEFORE SETTLING DOWN WITH ONE PERSON, TEN IS THE IDEAL NUMBER
OF LOVERS TO HAVE, AND IT SHOULD TAKE AT LEAST SIX NIGHTS TO GET
THERE.
(LAUGHTER) THE POLL FOUND THAT THOSE WHO
HAVE HAD MORE THAN TEN SEXUAL PARTNERS WERE CONSIDERED TO BE
PROMISCUOUS, WHILE HAVING LESS THAN TEN WOULD BE CONSIDERED
"SEXUALLY INEXPERIENCED."
HMM... LESS THAN TEN MAKES YOU INEXPERIENCED AND MORE THAN TEN
MAKES YOU PROMISCUOUS.
I GUESS THAT MEANS THAT I AM...
MOVING ON.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) ( WHEEL CLICKING )
"CLIP WITHOUT CONTEXT!" (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
JIM?
>> I AM VERY TIRED.
(LAUGHTER) >> Stephen: MORE THAN TEN
LOVERS!
TO THE SPIN ZONE!
( WHEEL CLICKING ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
"BUY A VOWEL!" HMMM...
AN "E!" (DING)
HUH, I AM GOING TO SAY...
THE "LAKE SHOW?" (BUZZER)
OH, SHOOT, WHAT DID I WAGER?
DAMN IT!
NEXT SUBJECT.
( "PRICE IS RIGHT" LOSING.
SOUND ) OKAY, NEXT TOPIC.
( WHEEL CLICKING ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
"THREE-SECOND DRUM SOLO!" (DRUM SOLO)
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) ( WHEEL CLICKING )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) "MARS!"
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) YOU'RE GETTING TIRED.
(LAUGHTER) NASA RESEARCHERS ARE WORKING ON
A NEW PROPULSION SYSTEM THAT WOULD ALLOW A SPACECRAFT TO
REACH MARS IN THREE DAYS, WHICH MEANS FUTURE ASTRONAUTS WON'T
HAVE TO WASTE ALL THAT TIME IN TRANSIT BEFORE DYING ALONE ON
MARS.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) WHOO!
( WHEEL CLICKING ) "WHERE'S BRENDAN?"
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) GREAT QUESTION, WHEEL.
HE'S STILL UNDER MY DESK.
SAY HI TO BRENDAN, EVERYONE!
HE'S RIGHT HERE!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) YOU OKAY?
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: THAT TOOK A LITTLE WHILE FOR YOU TO GET UP HERE.
A LITTLE CRAMPED DOWN THERE?
>> PINS AND NEEDLES.
>> Stephen: ANY FEELINGS IN YOUR LEGS?
>> NO.
>> Stephen: I NEED YOU TO GET BACK DOWN THERE.
SAY GOODBYE TO BRENDAN, EVERYBODY!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) HERE WE GO!
( WHEEL CLICKING ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ANOTHER "RECENT STUDY!" (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
A RECENT STUDY FROM THE UNIVERSITY OF KONSTANZ IN
GERMANY FOUND THAT EATING IN THE DARK CAN HELP YOU LOSE WEIGHT.
MAKES SENSE.
IN THE DARK, THERE IS NO WAY TO TELL WHETHER YOU ARE EATING A
PINT OF ICE CREAM OR A SALAD.
NO WHAMMIES!
( WHEEL CLICKING ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
"TENNIS BALLS!" (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
OH!
HERE WE GO!
"SPORTS!" (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
AMERICA'S PASTIME!
OTHER THAN TONIGHT'S SPORT: SOCCER.
FIFA, THE INTERNATIONAL SOCCER AND BRIBE-TAKING ORGANIZATION,
IS READY TO ELECT A NEW PRESIDENT.
LAST YEAR, A CORRUPTION SCANDAL ENDED THE CAREER OF FORMER FIFA
PRESIDENT AND GASTROINTESTINAL DISORDER, SEPP BLATTER.
(LAUGHTER) SOUNDS LIKE AN UNUSUAL NAME
UNTIL YOU FIND OUT THAT "SEPP" WITH TWO PS IS ACTUALLY SHORT
FOR SEPPP WITH THREE PS.
(LAUGHTER) AND SEPP BLATTER WILL BE A TOUGH
NAME TO LOSE, BUT, FORTUNATELY, TWO OF THE CANDIDATES TO
REPLACE HIM ARE NAMED JEROME CHAMPAGNE AND TOKYO SEXWALE.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE)
BOTH REAL HUMAN NAMES AND THINGS YOU CAN BUY OUT OF VENDING
MACHINES IN JAPAN.
(LAUGHTER) PERSONALLY, IT TAKES ME A COUPLE
JEROME CHAMPAGNES BEFORE I'M READY FOR THE TOKYO SEXWALE.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE)
FEWER THAN TEN!
(LAUGHTER) SO THESE ARE THE GUYS TO BEAT,
BUT I'VE GOT MY EYE ON SOME OTHER PROMISING FIFA CANDIDATES:
OKINAWA HUMPDOLPHIN, FLUPPP BOWELSORE, JOHNNY T. CHANDELIER,
BARCHIBALD TIMECOP, SHEIKH GOGURT MONTOYA, KRUSS
SNACKWAGON, ADMIRAL FLINTSTONE JETSON, THE CINCINNATTI HANGMAN.
SHAMWOW CHIA-PET, MONTGOMERY NO-SCRUPLES, SWIPE BRIBETAKER
AND THE AMAZING CORRUPTO.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) WHEEL ME!
( WHEEL CLICKING ) YAY!
COMMERCIAL BREAK!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH TIM
DALY.