Hello little buns, it is Stef, welcome back to my home!
It has been 5 months since I started estrogen as part of my hormone replacement therapy
and as part of my transition.
And as usual, I am here to give you my monthly update.
Not much has changed physically, I feel like my breast development has kind of plateaud,
it's kind of stopped.
Hopefully in the next couple of months my dosage will increase and my breast growth
will jumpstart again.
I'm not really upset about it though, I'm still on the pill so I still feel like I'm
making progress, you know what I mean?
Aside from breast growth, skin: pretty normal, pretty much the same since my last update.
Soft, feels good, man, all that good stuff.
My hair on my head has not changed very much, I've just gotten good at taking care of it.
However, the hair on my body has drastically changed from before I started hormone therapy.
Before I started it was very dark, very coarse, and everywhere, okay?
It was just not a fun time, I don't really know what to compare it to but it was not
my favourite thing.
I'm speaking about legs primarily, and arms I guess... which are virtually hairless at
this point.
Any hair that I do get on my arms comes in pretty much blonde now and it just looks like
it has the texture of hair, it doesn't look dark, which I like.
It's just a change that makes me feel more comfortable without putting in as much work
in, so I feel good about that.
My leg hair is the most different - so, the hair itself hasn't changed very much, it's
a little bit softer, it's not really different in colour, but the amount of it is pretty
much half from before hormone therapy.
Before I started hormones I was always worrying about, you know, I'm never gonna be able to
keep this under control, shaving and waxxing is so much work...
I feel like I can control the hair on my legs now, it's a very big relief, I'm very happy
about it.
That's probably the biggest change since the last month, is the leg hair density.
Aside from the physical changes, there have been some emotional changes as well.
I don't know if these have to do with my hormones, with the changes, or with my current life
circumstances, I'm not sure... but my anxiety has become very tempermental and very flammable.
I honestly don't know what I'm feeling, it's a very complicated space in my head right
now and it's not, definitely not a negative side effect of the hormones, I'm promising
you that right now.
If I did not have my hormones, it would be a lot worse for me in this moment, okay?
I feel like I'm just more in tune with my emotions because there's no inhibitor stopping
me from doing that, ie testosterone.
I guess having access to all of these feelings is overwhelming, I'm not sure!
but I know that it's better than I would feel if I did not have my hormones.
If you guys do want me to do a video specifically about my mental health, I will do that, I
don't really want to talk about it too much here because it's not really relevant to my
transition.
I just, for the past few weeks I've had sets of days where I feel like I'm not supposed
to exist here..?
It's NOT suicidal, it's not like "I don't want to live" kind of things, it's more like...
physical displacement?
It's like, I don't know how to explain it.
I feel like no matter what I do IT will not work, and IT, I don't know what IT is, but
maybe it's life?
I don't know, I can't pinpoint it, it's very frustrating, it's like existential shit, I
don't know, I can't figure it out.
And I understand the anxiety very well, I know what it is, I know how it's caused, I
know how to take care of it, but this new thing is like, bewildering to me, and I don't
know what it is.
I'm gonna talk to my doctor next time I see him, we'll figure it out, it'll be fine.
It's just confusing.
That about covers all of the changes from four to five months.
I do want to talk to you about my GoFundMe because there's been some changes.
For those of you that do not know, at the 2 month mark I opened a GoFundMe to help crowdfund
for my gender confirmation surgeries.
SurgerIES is the part I want to highlight here.
My gender confirmation surgeries are my FFS, my facial feminization surgery, and my SRS,
which some people refer to as gender confirmation surgery but to me BOTH of these surgeries
are gender confirming, because they both will help to lessen my dysphoria which is the point
of those surgeries.
I've realized, basically, and it's something I've known all along, but it's something I'm
able to articulate now, that my FFS is definitely way more important to lessening my dysphoria
than my SRS.
My SRS is important to me, absolutely, it's something that I absolutely want done and
if I could have it done tomorrow, I would, but my FFS is something that I've wanted much,
much, stronger.
It's something that's going to change my life in more ways, lessen my dysphoria in more
ways, open up more opportunities for me, and I'm not saying if you get FFS as a trans person
it's going to open up more opportunities, that may be true in some circumstances, it
should not be true, I'm not saying you should get FFS so you have more opportunities, but
I'm saying for me, most of my dysphoria is caused by parts of my face.
I want you to know, that as a viewer, you might be like, "but you don't need FFS you're
so pretty!" and I appreciate that, I really do, but you have to understand that I'm showing
you things I want you to see.
I don't show you what I look like in the morning when I wake up, I don't show you how I look
from every single angle, I don't show you what I look like if I don't contour certain
parts of my face, and the make-up that I wear, as much as I love putting it on and I do love
it, and I do it because I love it, it also makes me able to function.
It is like a pill to me.
My make-up is as much a treatment for my dysphoria as is my hormones, and being able to go without
that would be incredible, but right now I don't feel like I can leave the house without
make-up on, without a corset, without full clothes, because I do not "pass" unless I
do all of these things.
I will do a video on passing in the future, but what you need to know about passing is
it's when you can "pass" as a cisgender person, it's a very destructive, very kind of self-detrimental
thing that we have, that we should not have, that we shouldn't be lining ourselves up to
to compare, but it is reality.
And the reality is, without the lighting, without the clothes, without the make-up I
do not pass as well as I do in this moment.
So having this FFS is going to allow me to live my life much easier, and allow me to
look into the mirror and be comfortable before I do all of this stuff.
Before I tuck and contour and stuff it everywhere and I don't want you to think that I'm unhappy,
because trans people are capable of happiness, even when they're experiencing dysphoria,
just like anybody.
However, I am experiencing dysphoria and I have been for a very very long time, since
puberty.
And having FFS would take that away and allow me to move on and focus on other things, and
that's very important to me, so the reason I have been talking about this is because
I have changed the goal of the GoFundMe to just accomodating for my FFS instead of the
SRS AND FFS.
Right, so FFS is still one of my gender confirmation surgeries, it is more important to me in my
gender confirmation that I get FFS, SRS is still important but I'm not looking to crowdfund
that right now because it just doesn't make sense for me.
I need to be on hormone replacement therapy for a much longer time before that doctor
will even perform the surgery on me, and there is a slight possibility that the doctor I'm
going to is possibly covered by Canadian healthcare, it's a very confusing situation, it's all
paperowrk and it's all technical, I have my doctor looking at it, I have a lawyer looking
at it, and hopefully SRS will be covered by Canadian healthcare in Thailand by THIS DOCTOR
SPECIFICALLY, if that is not the case, hopefully I will be in a place by the time that time
comes that I will be able to afford it without crowdfunding.
That's the dream, that would be the ideal.
We're already halfway there, I'm so grateful, I'm so happy, please, again, do not feel pressured
to donate, to not feel like you have to donate if you watch my content, it's a very optional
thing!
but it's just a way you can have a very physical effect on my life, and I'm very happy I can
have that with you, I'm just overwhelmed and honoured by the support I've been getting.
The GoFundMe has just passed 24,000 dollars, the FFS in it's entirety is going to cost
$45,000 CANADIAN dollars, we've got a little way to go, but we're definitely very far in!
I'm going to be contributing as much of my savings as I can to this, and the way I'm
going to do that is I'm going to reduce the goal every time I put money towards it, so
instead of donating it to myself and it goes through my credit card and back, it's a weird
system, I'm just going to reduce the goal gradually and make a note that I've put "x"
amount of money towards my surgery, so if you want to see the updated and refined GoFundMe
page you can click the link below in the description box or there will be a link on the screen
at the end of the video as an annotation, as usual with all of my new videos.
Thank you again for all of your support, whether it is monetary through GoFundMe or your wonderful
emotional support through comments, messages, and letters, I appreciate every single one
of you, you make this such a bearable experience, because there are a lot of trans people that
do not have the support I have through you and through my accepting family and through
my friends, and my heart goes out to them, if you know any trans people that are struggling,
please take the time to befriend them, to be kind, to show them kindness and love, because
a lot of us need it and are not getting it, and I'm very thankful that I have your support
and I have your kindness to rely on if I'm feeling bad...
anyways, this has been great, until next time be chill be cool everything's fine, it'll
be okay, everything's gonna be fine, okay?
Everything's gonna be fine.
I love you so much BYE!
It has been four months on estrogen now and I've really, okay, I think I say this every
single time, but I really feel like things are starting to kick in, but I have good reasons
this time I've noticed a few things that are drastically different from four months ago
that I really wanna highlight.