- Welcome to Bless Your Rank, my name is Matt, buckle up,
because today, we are ranking fast food burgers.
Actually, don't drive and watch Bless Your Rank.
Don't do that.
Burger time!
(upbeat bluegrass banjo music)
All right, here are the criteria for today's Bless Your Rank
on fast food burgers.
Number one, taste.
'Cause it's a taste-test ranking,
how else do you judge these things?
Crazy people.
Number two, messiness, but in a good way.
A good burger should be a little messy.
It's gonna get dirty.
Number three, juiciness.
I want a good, juicy hamburger patty, no dry patties here.
Also, to be clear, some of you might be asking,
how did y'all pick these burgers?
Which ones did you decide to use?
What we did, is we picked the number one burger
at each fast food restaurant.
And by that, I mean, it's the burger that comes
on their number one combo meal.
'Cause that's probably their number one burger, right?
That would make sense.
Put your best number one, maybe?
I don't know, maybe.
But then not really.
'Cause if it's like a baseball lineup,
probably wanna put your best hitter in the four spot.
So one is your fastest?
So maybe this is the burger
that will run the fastest through me?
You have seven competitors, today?
Seven burgers?
I have no idea who's gonna win this thing.
I've got some favorites in the mix,
but anything could happen today.
And that's the magic, and the beauty of Bless Your Rank.
Let's get started.
Contestant number one is Burger King.
Or BK, as the kids say.
Right, is that what the kids say?
Kids probably aren't goin' to Burger King.
When I go to my local Burger King,
I don't see anyone else there.
I see one worker, and they do not look happy.
Whoa, what's goin' on here?
Why is this dude creepin' on me?
On the back of the Burger King bag?
I have, there's nothing.
It's just a bun.
There is somethin' in here, right?
Yeah, there it is, there it is.
All right, first look at this burger, mayonnaise.
And lots of it.
Lettuce is trying.
It's like ketchup made an appearance at this burger,
and then left.
Pretty thick cut pieces of pickle.
I'm not a fan of pickles, but I'm eating these burgers
just as we order them.
I'm takin' one for the team, here.
I'm just gonna cry myself to sleep tonight.
That's all, no big deal.
Nothin' y'all have to worry about.
You're just watchin' YouTube videos.
You don't even care about me.
(laughs)
Here we go.
That's a good burger.
I forget how good Whoppers are.
The meat itself tastes great.
Suspiciously good.
Overall, this is a good burger.
It's gonna be messy, and that's a good thing.
If you try to eat one of these things and drive,
you should pay for it with a stain on your shirt
for the rest of the day.
Right now, in this moment, I can say Burger King
is in first place.
So don't get cocky, creepy man, staring at me
through the blinds of my living room window.
This thing is going to murder me in my sleep tonight.
Unbelievable.
If you're from Burger King corporate,
don't stop the video yet, this won't last.
Competitor number two is, Whataburger!
What a burger.
The orange and white bag just makes me happy.
It just fills me with happiness.
This was wrapped with love.
They wrapped this better than I wrap Christmas presents.
In the words of Sir Mix-a-Lot, that's a bun, hun.
Floppy old lettuce.
Let's take a look at the inside, here.
This is gonna be a good burger.
Also, I don't quite know, I don't know what that is.
Should I eat it, too?
Is it a snail?
Probably call a health inspector.
But, for the purposes of filming, I'm just gonna keep going.
Here we go.
I'll make sure I didn't get the side
that the booger snail touched.
Man, there's somethin' about just the meat on this,
is just cooked, like just right.
There's just somethin' about Whataburger
that's just so good.
I don't know if I'm just wired differently,
'cause I've heard some people say
they just don't care for it.
And I don't remember those people's names,
'cause I just shut 'em out of my life completely.
But it's so good.
They know how to make a good burger.
They don't go crazy, we're really good at this,
we're gonna knock it out of the park every time.
That's what Whataburger does, God bless 'em.
And I think that this is, without a doubt,
burger number one, right now.
Whataburger has not paid me a dime.
Unless they'd like to give me free Whataburger.
In which case, slide into those DMs, Whataburger.
I can be bought.
Move over Burger King.
This is yours.
Competitor number three is, (humming)
Hardee's.
You thought I was gonna say McDonald's, didn't you?
The ole classic fake-out.
Hardee's doesn't even have a slogan, do they?
- [Director] They're just like, "We're here."
- Hardee's!
You cannot eat a burger out of a box and drive.
Hardee's is like yeah, try it and die.
If you don't know what a Hardee's is, it's a Carl's Jr.
This thing looks like me
after walkin' up three flights of stairs.
It is glistening.
One sad piece of cheese.
Maybe a dozen small pieces of onion,
givin' off some serious onion stank.
How much are y'all chargin; the Paw-Paws
that are comin' to eat breakfast at y'alls place?
That made a thud.
The more I look at this, the more it looks
like a gas station microwavable cheeseburger.
Here we go.
This is the driest hamburger patty I've had
since like high school lunch in the cafeteria.
This is sad.
This sweaty bun is a really good hamburger bun.
But this burger is straight trash.
I don't know if it's Hardee,
I don't know if it's Carl Junior.
But one of 'em should be in jail right now.
Probably both.
All right, this was sad.
Now I'm sad.
You are in absolute last place.
And I don't know if that's gonna change today.
It might, but it's not looking good for you right now.
Let's just jump right into it.
Burger number four is Krystal's.
This bag is heavy.
There are fries in here.
Who got the fries?
That's not part of it.
Is it, did you have fries?
Did you eat 'em?
Beep, beep, beep.
Beep.
(explosion rumbles)
Sound effects by me.
Special effects by me.
Burger by Krystal's.
I have a confession to make.
I love these little things.
Do I regret it after eating them?
Oh, absolutely.
That's the point.
These are little gut bombs.
You wanna experience a cleanse?
Four Krystal burgers will clean you out,
but I do love these little things.
Here we go.
There's just something about it.
This should not be good.
It's like a warm hug from a really sweaty friend.
Long sweaty hug from a friend you don't like, Krystal's.
Also, don't trust anyone who doesn't
with their empty Krystal boxes,
try to stack them or fat people Tetris.
How about Krystal boxes can I fit into one Krystal box?
That's my favorite game to play.
Some of you will say Krystal's is good,
but White Castle's better.
Stop talking, I've had White Castle.
It's just the same as Krystal.
This can only come out one way, and that's okay.
Krystal burger, where does it rank?
Okay, I'm gonna get so much hate for this.
Those of you that have never had Krystal's
or had it once or twice, you won't get it.
And I don't expect you to.
And frankly, I just feel sorry for you.
There are probably so many diseases now
that we won't ever catch
'cause we've been raised on Krystal burgers.
And for that reason, Krystal is number two.
Competitor number five is McDonald's.
I really did it this time.
I wasn't gonna fake you out.
And we're going with the Big Mac.
Also in a box.
So the Big Mac is not usually my to-go burger.
As a kid, I didn't like this
'cause I didn't like the special sauce,
but then something happened.
I got older, maybe my taste buds finally came in.
Burger itself, again, with the shredded lettuce.
Fast food restaurants of the world,
stop with the shredded lettuce.
Stop it, no one likes it.
No one likes it.
Give us lettuce sheets.
Lettuce sheets, lettuce sheets.
Here we go, looking for a spot to go in at.
This looks pretty good.
This looks saucy.
A little soggy, a little soggy bun.
This is weird.
It's okay.
Having it with everything else today,
I just don't feel like it's that great.
It's definitely not better
than a lot of the things sittin' up here.
Except for that thing from Hardee's, the mud burger.
Whatever that is.
Nah, I'm not feeling it.
Definitely not Whataburger-level good.
It's adequate,
and that's what McDonald's thrives on, adequacy.
Yeah, we got food.
You got some money?
Also is the special sauce thousand dressing or not?
If you know what the McDonald's special sauce is,
comment below.
But know that you may be giving out the secret recipe.
And that means that Ronald McDonald will hunt you down,
and he will find you.
Where does it rank?
I don't think that it's better than Burger King.
I think the Big Mac is currently in fourth place.
All right, competitor number six?
Six, is Wendy's.
People say they have a good chicken sandwich.
I heard one person say they have really good salads.
Why, why go to fast food place and get a salad?
This smells like a swimming pool.
That's weird.
This thing is ready to go.
Ooh, also shiny.
This bun's been sweatin'.
Look at that.
(gasps) A single piece of lettuce, unbelievable.
Oh no, that's a bad piece of tomato.
All right, Wendy's, do your worst.
I don't have high hopes for this.
There was a time in my life
where I thought Wendy's had the best burgers.
I do like, they put cheese on the bottom
and top of the burger on the meat.
That is an interesting strategy.
All right.
That's all I could say about it
is just a shoulder shrug.
And a meh.
It's not that great.
I do appreciate that they do a single piece of lettuce,
but there's nothing on here that I think
is superior to any of the other burgers that we've had.
And I wanna be very careful about I say about Wendy's
because Wendy here has got a very spicy Twitter account.
I'm terrified of Wendy.
I don't crave Wendy's anymore.
Well, okay, I take that back.
I love the frosty.
I love dipping Wendy fries into the frosty.
Wendy's burger?
Definitely not in the top three.
It is very close to McDonald's.
If I had to take another bite of these two,
which one would I wanna take another bite of?
That's probably gonna be McDonald's.
So Wendy's is currently in fifth place.
Don't send this to the Twitter account.
Contestant number seven.
Seven, seven.
Contestant number seven is...
Ooh, sorry, I probably just ruined that.
My gosh, this is the CVS of fast food restaurants.
Unnecessarily long.
You only ordered one burger.
Oh my gosh, the cheese is everywhere.
You wait till I talk to Michelle,
the manager at Sonic about this.
This is like nacho cheese.
This is like ballpark cheese.
This is like, oh no, we're out of cheese.
I think they're playing a game down
at the little league field.
Run over to the concession stand
and just put this burger under the cheese dispenser.
Underneath the lid here,
we've got pickles, way too many chopped-up onions.
Smelling this?
It's not pretty.
Oh, this is a disaster.
Onions everywhere, lettuce everywhere.
Burger patty suspiciously perfectly round.
Here we go.
I taste lamb.
This burger tastes like a lamb.
This is Greek-fest leftovers right here.
I mean, I wouldn't mind the lamb burger,
but you should tell me ahead of time.
I mean, it's not bad.
What is dripping off of that?
I feel like that is probably toxic.
I don't like this.
I don't like it happening to me.
I don't want it to happen to anybody else.
I don't know what happened here today.
This is sad.
Well, I think that there's only one thing lrfy
for us to do.
This is Matt Mitchell.
I'm eating a cheeseburger that I ordered
at your restaurant earlier today.
I'm actually filming a video right now
about ranking burgers.
It did not do very, there was cheese.
The cheese melted and became a sauce.
And the burger tastes a little bit like lamb.
- [Sonic Worker] Lamb?
- Yeah, lamb.
The burger is probably gonna be ranked sixth
out of seventh today.
Behind Wendy's but ahead of Hardee's.
Yeah, it's not good.
We are all about integrity here at Bless Your Rank.
I have to say that Sonic is number six out of seven.
Lessons learned today, fast food burgers,
when they're good, they are a fantastic burger.
Solid lineup.
One through three, really good burgers.
Then here at the bottom, terrible things happened.
I know that these restaurants are capable of better,
but that's how things work on Bless Your Rank.
I'm ranking you on what I get today.
And this is what I got today.
And that means that right now,
number one, best fast food burger
in the game is Whataburger.
Congratulations, you've earned it.
And if you're the Chicago firm that bought them out,
don't ruin this.
Now I'm gonna eat a Krystal kabob.
This is good idea.
They should do that.
A whole skewer of Krystal burgers.
- [Crew Member] Yeah, there's like four.