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When it comes to relationships, everyone has their own way of showing love
Sometimes these behaviours and thought processes can be negative rather than positive
According to a study, children who had a secure relationship with their parents growing up
tend to have better interpersonal relationships later on
While children who had more unstable relationships are more likely to have unhealthy behaviours
and instability in relationships
Dr. Milan and Kay Yerkovich determined that there are five different love styles
that often are determined by your childhood
So, what does each love style say about your childhood?
One:
The Avoider
People with The Avoider type lifestyle often come off as distant or unengaged
They don't allow themselves to feel emotions in order to protect themselves and often feel uncomfortable
when other people around them get emotional
Avoiders value their personal space away from other people
If you have The Avoider love style, as a child,
you may have grown up in a home that didn't show a lot of affection
that put more focus on being independent and self-reliant if
If you are upset by something, you may not have gotten the comfort you needed
whether it be emotional or physical
Maybe, at some point, you stop paying attention to your own feelings and needs
so that you could deal with the stress and anxiety from having little to no comfort
from your parents or caretakers
Two:
The Vacillator
The term vacillate means to alternate or waver between different opinions or actions
or, in other words, to be indecisive
If you have The Vacillator type love style, you may tend to idealize new relationships
However, when the other person shows any trait or behaviour that you didn't imagine,
you begin to doubt the relationship
and may even consider ending the relationship altogether
As a child, you probably grew up with an unpredictable parent
Maybe they were always finding a reason to leave home
going out often
or meeting new people often
even when you needed them
Whatever the case may have been, your needs weren't your parents first priority
Because of this, you may have developed a fear of abandonment
due to the fact that you didn't receive consistent affection from your parents
As both a child and an adult, you also probably were very sensitive and perceptive
Noticing even the slightest sign that someone in your life was distancing themselves
Three:
The Controller
If you have the controller love type, you probably feel the need to have control in a relationship
to avoid the vulnerable negative feelings you experienced as a child
By being in control, you can ensure that you limit your exposure to feelings like
humiliation, fear, and helplessness
The one emotion that doesn't make you feel vulnerable is anger.
So you may use anger to express your emotions
You probably have a particular way you like things done
and when those expectations aren't met you may get angry or stressed
If you identify as a Controller, you probably grew up in a home where there wasn't a sense of protection
When there was some sort of harm in your life, no one was there to make sure you were kept safe
You didn't like stepping out of your comfort zone
and did whatever you could to keep yourself from experiencing negative feelings
You learned to be emotionally tough and how to take care of yourself
Because if you didn't, you are susceptible to being hurt
Four:
The Pleaser
Someone with The Pleaser love type has the main focus of making sure others around them are happy
Even if it means sacrificing their own wants and needs in order to do so
Pleasers have a habit of monitoring the moods of those around them to make sure they are kept happy
If someone has a negative change in mood, The Pleaser may have an internal struggle
with feeling anxious, upset, or stressed
If you're a pleaser, you don't enjoy or handle conflict easily
So you may lie or do or say what the other person wants just to avoid conflict
It's often hard for a Pleaser to say "No".
As a child, you grew up with a parent who was overly protective, angry, or critical
They may have had overly high standards they wanted you to meet
and if you didn't do it as well as they wanted, you wouldn't get a positive response from them
People usually saw you as 'the good kid'
Rather than receiving comfort from your parents, you may have actually been giving them comfort
when they were being reactive or apologizing for things that were out of your control
Because your parents reacted in such ways,
you may have done whatever you could to avoid getting a negative response from them
Even if it meant lying about something
Five:
The Victim
Victims often lack self-worth and more than likely suffer from depression or anxiety
Rather than living, they just tend to go through the motions
In relationships, it's not uncommon for them to gravitate toward a controller
as they mimic what they experienced in childhood
Victims are used to complying
They find it easier, or even comforting, to be with a controller in order to get by
As that's what they're used to
If you have The Victim love style, you probably grew up in a chaotic home.
You had parents that would be angry or even violent
Learning to be compliant helped keep any attention off of yourself
Did you ever use your imagination to escape the negativity surrounding you?
That's common with victims
As being fully present is too painful for them
These five love styles help us understand more of the negative way we react and behave in relationships
And also why we are this way, due to our childhood experiences
Did you relate to any of these styles?
Leave a comment below and let us know if any of these love styles describe you and your childhood
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