What's up, guys?
Good, feel that energy.
Yes.
You guys are hot.
I apologize, I'm an East Coast.
We have any East Coast people in here?
(audience cheers)
East Coast people, yes.
Do you live here now, sir?
- [Male Audience Member] Yes.
- All right, calm down.
"Yes."
Somebody's acclimating.
Piece of shit.
I live in LA now.
They're crazy out here.
They're like, "You're so aggressive.
"You have to calm down.
"Take a yoga class."
Like stretching is gonna fix what the fuck happened to me.
"Let's get in warrior pose."
Yeah, so I can kill your whole family.
Let's do it.
So people get nervous.
And I come from a big crazy Irish Catholic family.
I have nine brothers and sisters.
Anybody?
(audience cheers)
Couple Mexicans.
What's up, guys?
Okay, sometimes even the Mexicans are like,
"Whoa, that's a lot."
My mom had 10 kids.
That's insane.
10 kids.
Who does that?
She had a hysterectomy.
There were still babies in it.
She's like, "Just take it.
"I can't."
Some of you got quiet.
What's this, a pro-life rally?
Relax.
She kept 10 of them, that's enough.
It's a lot of kids.
Who does that?
I don't like kids.
I'll punch a kid in the throat.
Come at me with your kids and your pictures, uh-uh.
I'm not doing it.
People get nutty, right?
And here's the weird thing.
My parents split up when I was seven years old, right.
And I stayed really close with my dad,
and people are like, "Oh my god,
"you stayed close with your dad.
"He left your mom with 10 kids."
I'm like, "Let me tell you something."
We grew up in a South Philly row home.
When he left, I was thrilled.
We needed the room.
When I left, I got the whole drawer.
I was like, "I feel like a princess right now."
But I didn't get off that easy.
I had to work for him everyday.
It wasn't like he left and I never saw him again.
I didn't get lucky like that.
I had to work for him.
Everyday, from fourth grade all the way to 12th grade.
I had to work for him afterschool in his typewriter store.
Look how quiet you all got.
"Typewriters?
"Oh my god.
"When did the unfreeze this lady?"
Completely insane, right?
My dad's also a Marine.
Do we have any Marines?
Thanks for helping out, guys.
(audience laughs)
It's like a bunch of pussies in here, eh?
My dad's nuts, man.
I mean, he's a Marine through and through.
He still wears his dog tags,
because he thinks his platoon is still fighting.
So that's fun for everybody.
He fought in the Korean War.
Every once in a while, he'll throw something
at a poor Filipino kid that walks by.
I mean, come on, Dad.
That's the wrong guy.
He doesn't care.
He's crazy.
He's covered in tattoos, too.
Everybody has tattoos now, right?
Where are the tattoo people?
(audience cheers)
Woo, it's getting weaker.
Good.
(audience laughs)
My dad, he got naked lady tattoos on his arms.
He had one here and one here.
And when we were younger, he used to make them dance for us.
Right?
I'm like, "Damn, my dad's the shit.
"Look at the ladies."
But now he's 83 years old.
Those ladies aren't even standing anymore.
They're slightly sitting.
One's kind of crying a little bit,
like, "What happened?"
The one on the top took her shoes off.
She's like, "This is ridiculous.
"I'm not dancing for this guy anymore."
So I go in there one day.
I'm in 10th grade at this point, right?
I walk into the typewriter store and my dad's in there.
He's cleaning out a rifle.
I'm like, "Oh my god, look at this nut."
And I'm a sarcastic teenager,
so as a joke I'm like, "Hey Dad, don't shoot."
He's like, "Hey girl, hold that pencil up.
"I bet I could shoot it out of your hand."
(audience laughs)
He's a big guy, my dad is.
He's like, "Hold that pencil up."
I hold the pencil up.
He cocks the rifle, fires.
I throw the pencil.
Then I dive under a typewriter because I'm thinking,
"Screw it, that's cast iron.
"Nothing's getting through that bad boy."
And I'm laying on the ground checking for holes.
I'm like, "Oh my god, did my dad just blow a hole in me?"
This is crazy.
I hear him laughing.
I go, "Hey man, what are you laughing at?"
He's like, "I got you."
I go, "Yeah, you got me to shit a little.
"What?
"What are you doing?"
He's like, "I got you.
"I shot you with blanks."
(audience laughs)
Finally, 10 kids later, this idiot is shooting blanks.
(audience cheers)