(upbeat music)
- My name is Plum, I'm six years old,
and I'm a beauty queen.
My mama drive me around to pageants.
- She's my precious Plum.
(country music)
(energetic music)
- Plum Miller and her mother Blueberry Mama Miller
became overnight sensations with
their hit reality show Precious Plum.
- Mama?
- Yeah, baby?
- Where do babies come from?
- Dicks and pussies.
- But plums turned to sour grapes when
it was discovered that Mama was having sex
with Plum's 16 year old manny.
- Way to cock block America.
- While the relationship was technically legal
in Mississippi, viewers boycotted the show,
advertisers pulled out, and Precious Plum was canceled.
So where is the diabetic duo now?
Well rumor has it that they've started over somewhere
in New England and some fledging network
has given them a new show.
- [Mama] Aw dang you's a good looking sound man,
yeah you put that in my ass pocket.
Ah do that, do that yeah I like that.
So um, we back.
- Yay!
(funky techno music)
- I's 12 now.
- Uh huh and we rich too is was the other thing was changed.
We've been on the road for awhile so we
was jonesin for a home of our ownsin.
It was just Plum and me so we didn't need much.
But um then we found a place that was fuckin' awesome.
(door closes)
- Remodeled in 2014, the house originally belonged
to author Nathaniel Hawthorne.
(toilet flushes)
- Mama look, a inside toilet!
- Uh huh, and uh how many outside toilets you say you have?
(laughs)
- Any thoughts so far?
- Yeah, it's a little spooky.
- The price? I hear you.
But currently a tenant lives in the basement
and he can help with the mortgage.
(dramatic music)
- There's a what that lives in the basement?
- Oh he shouldn't be a disturbance.
- A disturbumps?
- He's got his own entrance.
He pays 1800 a month.
- So we's moved in with a ghost and um I didn't see him much
but when we did I near done shit myselfs.
(Mama screams)
He was so pale and skinny and just not a human being.
- I'm a grad student at Harvard...
University.
(sitar music)
- Hello, can you hear me?
- Yes, hello?
(gasps)
- What is your name?
- Brian.
- What is your bidness here Brian?
- Well I'm a poli sci major.
- What is that?
- It's like the study of politics, um,
the affects of power on people over time.
- We's bein' studied.
- By a powerful timelord.
- I'm sorry was I late with the rent or?
- Oh no, actually you was on time.
Um, we really appreciate that thank you Brian.
- Ask if there's others.
- Brian, is you alone?
- Not at the moment.
- Hi, I'm Tim.
(Mama and Plum screaming)
- Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck!
Get in the fucking car there's a ghost.
- Go Mama, go!
- Now ghosts okay, they like mo fucking roach cocks.
You think you got two,
that means you actually got like two thousands.
So Plum and me, we went an got some ghost hunting gear.
But by the time we got back...
Oh my god.
Place were fuckin' infested.
A'right baby, y'all suited up?
- Mama, I's scared.
- Hey, did or did not Blade take out a whole night club
of vampires with nothin' more than a leather jacket
and a couple of good swords.
- But ghosts is dead, vampires is undead.
- Baby, you don't know what the fuck you're talkin' bout.
(party music playing)
- Mama, why ain't they talking or nothin'?
- See if you touch 'em, your hand go right through 'em.
(girl yells)
- Guys you're here, I'm so sorry,
I thought you were gone for the night,
you left in such a hurry.
I can kick everybody out, the party's a bust anyway.
- Turns out, there wasn't no ghosts in the usual sense.
They was sad ghosts that threw bad parties.
I just had to help 'em out.
Maybe throwing a good party is part
of our unfinished bidness or some shit.
(drink pouring)
- What's in this?
- It's a um, family recipe.
I call it Mama's Moonshine.
It's tequila, nail polish, taco seasoning,
contact lens solution, anti-anxiety medication,
a Reese's McFlurry, orange soda,
whatever expired milks and cheeses be layin' around
and the secret ingredient, myselfs.
Mmm, splish splosh.
Drink up.
Yeah, good.
(loud party music playing)
(girl screaming)
Now that's what I call a party, right Brian?
- I think I'm blind.
- Mama, can I have some?
- Baby what I tell you, no drinkin' til you 14.
(doorbell rings)
Aw, fuck it.
- Good evening and or morning neighbor.
I'm Jim, this is Rain.
- We just wanted to say hi, and welcome to the neighborhood
but also it's 2 a.m. and Jim has bird watching
in the morning.
- An early Jim catches the bird.
- Not to mention it's a school night.
- They got it at night now?
That's two schools you're missin'.
- Jim there's a child at this party.
- Hello there, are you in some kind of trouble?
- I think I'm blind.
(throws up)
Yay, I can see.
- So Rain and Jim, they turned out to be kind of a assholes.
They said they was gonna call child services
unless I put Plum in school.
So I was like, do it.
An they was like, do you know what child services is?
I was like, maybe.
An it was like, they gonna take your child away.
An I was like, good.
An they was like, and put you in jail.
An I was like, you're kind of a assholes.
So I had no choice, I googled school.
(whimsical music)
- Welcome to Buckingham Academy, my name is Kennedy.
You might recognize me from the fliers
they handed out with your brochures.
Kennedy for student body president.
Now these fliers are made out of
100% recycled A+ test papers, so not only
are they promoting my candidacy and helping the environment,
they are also highlighting our school's
many academic superstars.
Oops, this one's mine.
- Mama what's she sayin'?
- I don't know baby but I wanna hit her for some reason.
- Buckingham provides a rigorous education
for middle and high school students
of all backgrounds regardless of race, means or creed.
- Now as you begin the tour, feel free
to ask any questions at any time.
- Y'all got food?
- Uh yes, our cafeteria program is the healthiest.
- I mean free food, now.
- Well when we stop by our cafeteria you'll have an--
- So is that's a no?
- I have no food now, no.
- Can I eat this?
- That's paper.
- So that's a yes?
- Why don't we just begin by--
- How do y'all feel about no child left behind?
- Uh, that's actually a great question.
- 'Cause one time, I left Plum behind for like three months.
- I lived in a Walmart.
(whimsical music)
- Unfortunately, Plum just isn't up
to the standards of Buckingham Academy.
- What you mean?
She know all her ABC's, show 'em honey.
- A B C D and all 'em others, one two three four
and all 'em numbers.
- See? She even threw in some math.
(snaps)
- She scored a zero on her entrance exam.
It's multiple choice, she should've at least gotten
a couple of questions right by accident.
- So what you sayin' is she gifted?
- I'm saying I'm disturbed.
She's 12, girl look like she's 30.
Based on these results she should be in preschool.
- Yay, blocks!
- Pull outta me for a second okay,
don't your brochure say y'all pride yourselves
on educating students from all backgrounds?
- Yes we do.
- Okay cause lookin' around I see a lot of whites
and blacks and rainbows and silvers.
- Rainbows and silvers?
- Gays and cripples, you know the silver
for the wheelchair color. - Wow.
- And all they is is a buncha different
colored smarty-pants.
What education y'all be givin',
y'all so smart in the first place?
Okay?
- I got into fancy school!
♪ She got them books ♪
♪ She got them books, books, she got them looks ♪
♪ She got them titties so smart they's a backpack ride ♪
♪ She got them pussy so smart there's a book inside ♪
♪ She got them books ♪
- I done brained principal Harris into a yes.
Even asked us to host somethin' called a new parent mixer.
As luck would have it we had just had a party,
so we had some extra stuff layin' around.
(man screaming) (loud party music)
- That's enough about us living in
an alien stimulation, how're the kids?
- I have kids?
(doorbell rings)
- Ohhh...
- Hello again fellow Buckingham Academy parents.
- This is our daughter Kennedy.
- Kennedy for president.
- Oh okay, no wonder I wanna hit you so bad,
it's a um, it's a family thing.
- This party is completely inappropriate,
I mean a college rager is one thing
but this is the new parent mixer where
are the name tags and the baked goods?
- What have you done to Mr. Jennings?
- I know no words. I know no words.
- He's the English teacher.
- Hey everyone just relax, a'right?
Take a deep breath a'right?
Jim, what's your poison? Poison?
- You are a Neanderthal.
Oh, and you're raising one as well.
- Hey, my daughter is not a Neanderthal...
That's fair, that's fair, hi baby.
Well at least she at no George H.W. bitch.
(gasps)
- Hillbilly!
- BillHillary.
(door slams)
(loud party music)
(paper crinkles)
- My name is Plum, I'm 12 years old,
and I'm runnin' for president!
♪ Dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum ♪
- What happens next Mama?
- We'll find out, you gots to sign up for Dropout.
- What's Dropout?
- Its a premium ad-free uncensored comedy platform
from the people what do CollegeHumor.
- Oh wow, I'm gonna sign up right now.
- Hey, how in the fart did you get a credit card?
Lemme see this, who is Amanda M. Traze?
Well it's not me, yeah girl you can sign, sign up it's fine.
That's fine.
Swipe dat all you want.
- You too old for them pageants now.
- Yeah.
- This's the biggest pageant of all, the presinemcy.