>> Stephen: JOE WALSH, EVERYBODY!
THANK YOU, JOE!
HEY, WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
YOU KNOW MY FIRST GUEST FROM, "THE OFFICE," "THE MINDY
PROJECT," AND "LATE NIGHT."
PLEASE WELCOME, BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," MINDY KALING
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( BAND PLAYING ) >> Stephen: MINDY.
HI.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU FOR BEING BACK ON.
YOU LOOK FANTASTIC.
>> THANK YOU.
I AM SO HAPPY TO BE HERE.
>> Stephen: ALWAYS HAPPY TO HAVE YOU, EVEN THOUGH PEOPLE
DON'T THINK THAT'S THE CASE.
>> I KNOW.
>> Stephen: I WANT TO CLEAR THE AIR.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
I'VE HAD YOU ON MTSZ.
I'M A GREAT ADMIRER OF YOURS.
YOU'VE SAID NICE THINGS ABOUT ME IN TURN, BUT PEOPLE DON'T
BELIEVE THAT.
I WANT TO GO OVER -- HAVE YOU SEEN ALL THESE?
>> I HAVE SOME IDEA OF WHERE THIS IS GOING.
>> Stephen: THESE ARE BASED ON CONVERSATIONS WE'VE HAD ON THIS
SHOW.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
NUMBER ONE, MINDY KALING CALLS OUT COLBERT'S UNPROFESSIONAL
BEHAVIOR AS THE MINDY PROJECT GUEST STAR.
MINDY KALING'S BABY GIFT SUCKED.
HIS APPLE WATCH CUTS HER OFF.
THE CONTROVERSIAL REASONS STEPHEN COLBERT HAD TO APOLOGIZE
TO MINDY KALING.
AND DOES MINDY KALING HAVE HAD BEEF WITH STEPHEN OLBERT?
MINDY, LET'S SETTLE THAT LAST ONE, DO YOU AND I HAVE BEEF?
>> WE'RE THE NEW KANYE/PETE.
THAT'S US NOW.
>> Stephen: KANYE/PETE.
I'M OBVIOUSLY KANYE.
AND NOT JUST FOR RACIAL REASONS.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE THE TROUBLED GENIUS.
>> I'M THE TROUBLED GENIUS.
I WAS VERY SURPRISED.
>> Stephen: I THOUGHT WE HAD GREAT AFFECTION FOR EACH OTHER
ON TELEVISION.
>> IF I HAD TO EXAMINE IT, THERE HAVE BEEN THINGS YOU'VE DONE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: WOW.
YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU POINT AT SOMEBURN ELSE, THAT'S THREE
FINGERS POINTING BACK AT YOU, MINDY.
>> I HAVE GREAT ARVEGZ FOR YOU, AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS IS
ABOUT BUT -- >> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHAT, IT
SELLS NEWSPAPERS.
>> I WAS GOING TO SAY THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEF ARE MEGA
CELEBRITIES.
>> Stephen: OH, MY GOD THEY BLOW UP, HUGE.
>> WE'RE LIKE MUSIC PEOPLE.
>> Stephen: RIGHT NOW WE'RE LIKE FISH, LET'S TAKE IT TO A
BEEF.
>> RIGHT.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S MORE MEAT THAN --
>> THAT WAS GOOD.
I LIKED IT.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU.
I THINK YOU AND I ARE THE ONLY TWO WHO LIKED IT.
>> I THOUGHT IT WAS, LIKE, UNCLE STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: NOT GRANDPA STEPHEN?
GO AHEAD, GO FOR IT.
UNCLE STEPHEN DOESN'T MAKE ME FEEL OLD ENOUGH.
GO AHEAD.
>> GRANDPA STEPHEN AND HIS MEAT ANALOGY.
>> Stephen: EXACTLY, YOU KNOW HOW HE WAS ATTACKED BY A FISH IN
THE WAR.
( LAUGHTER ) >> IT'S GOOD.
WE'LL GET TO THE POINT WHERE THEY CAN SAY, CAN ONLY ONE OF
THEM COME TO THE AWARD SHOW?
>> Stephen: THEY DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT YOU TALKING ABOUT
ME AT THE EMMYS LAST YEAR, YOU CALLED ME A MESSY BITCH.
>> WE DO HAVE A PROBLEM.
>> Stephen: I SAID TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE!
( LAUGHTER ) ISN'T IT PUN TO PRETEND THAT WE
DON'T HAVE A BEEF?
>> YEAH, IT IS.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: NOW, YOU WENT TO
DISNEY WITH YOUR KIDS RECENTLY.
I WANT TO ASK YOU ABOUT SOMETHING.
YOU TWEETED FOR ADVICE WHILE YOU WERE AT DISNEY, WHICH I THINK IS
A DANGEROUS THING TO DO, WHICH IT LETS PEOPLE KNOW MINDY KALING
IS AT DISNEY AND YOUR LEGIONS OF FANS WILL HUNT YOU DOWN MANY
TOMORROW WORLD, OR WHATEVER.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: YOU SAID THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH THIS.
I DON'T SEE IT.
>> THERE'S A TYPO.
>> Stephen: GOING TO DISNEYLAND WITH THE KIDS REALLY
SOON, WHAT TO WEAR AND BRING WITH ME FOR EIGHT PLUS DAYS IN
THE PARK.
NO JOKES, PLEASE, THIS IS DEADLY SERIOUS.
>> THERE'S A TYPO.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S THE TYPO.
DAYS INSTEAD OF HOURS.
FOR THE RECORD, THIS AUDIENCE DID MOTT THINK THAT WAS STRANGE.
>> Stephen: HERE'S THE THING, I DID MOTT THINK IT WAS STRANGE
EITHER.
>> EIGHT DAYS IN DISNEY?
>> Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER STAYED AT DISNEY?
IT'S WONDERFUL!
IT'S THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH!
>> BUT YOU CAN SPEND HUNDREDS OF HOURS THERE IN A ROW.
>> Stephen: DON'T HAVE TO.
EIGHT DAYS IS JUST 64 HOURS.
>> THAT'S LIKE TELLING YOUR BOSS I NEED MORE THAN A WEEK OFF TO
GO TO DISNEY, SIR, OR MA'AM, WHOEVER.
>> Stephen: SURE, VERY GOOD, GOOD SAVE, BY THE WAY.
>> MINDY KALING THINKS WOMEN CAN BE EMPLOYERS, TOO.
>> Stephen: OR A MOUSE WITH BIG EARS.
>> WHAT WAS CRAZY WAS WHEN I SAW IT I THOUGHT, OH, MY GOSH.
AND DISNEYLAND IS NOT DISNEY WORLD.
>> Stephen: TALKING SMACK ABOUT DISNEYLAND HOW.
>> IT MAKES ME SEEM UNGRATEFUL FOR OUR TIME THERE, BUT EIGHT
DAYS WORTH.
>> Stephen: HOW OLD ARE THE KIDS.
>> ALMOST TWO AND FOUR.
>> Stephen: FOUR IS PERFECT.
SHE LIKE THE PRINCESSES AND ALL THAT KIND OF STUFF?
>> SHE'S A THRILL SEEKER.
>> Stephen: LAST TIME WE WERE TOGETHER YOU SAID SHE WAS MOTT
THRILLED WITH HAVING A LITTLE BROTHER.
HAS SHE ADJUSTED BECAUSE THEY EVENTUALLY LIKE THEM.
>> SHE LOVES IT NOW.
SHE JUST IS A NARC.
>> Stephen: HOW DOES THIS MANIFEST ITSELF?
>> THE THRILL OF FEELING LIKE SHE COULD GET HIM INTO TROUBLE
AND HE'S MOTT EVEN TWO YET.
SHE'LL RUN IN AND BE LIKE, SPENCER WAS READING A BOOK
UPSIDE DOWN!
I'M, LIKE, OKAY, WELL, YOU KNOW, THAT'S NOT REALLY HURTING
ANYBODY.
LIKE -- AND HE CAN'T EVEN READ!
THOSE ARE MY BOOKS!
IT'S FINE, BUT TO NOT SEEM LIKE I'M A ONE-SIDED PARENT, I'M,
LIKE, BUT HE SHOULDN'T BE READING IT UPSIDE DOWN, THERE
ARE OUTS OF SIDES TO THIS STORY.
>> Stephen: HOW DOES HE FEEL ABOUT HER?
>> HE ADORES HER.
>> Stephen: OF COURSE, SHE CAN DO NO WRONG.
>> AND SHE'S BARELY TOLERATING HIM RIGHT NOW.
>> Stephen: YOU MIGHT HAVE TIPS, YOU'RE THE YOUNGEST OF
ELEVEN.
>> I'M THE YOUNGEST OF ELEVEN.
>> Stephen: WHAT DID YOU DO?
JUST DO ANYTHING THEY WANT.
NO JOKE, I WAS A TACKLING DUMMY FOR MY BROTHERS.
MY BROTHER WAS ALL STATE WRESTLER AND HE WOULD SAY, COME
HERE, I WANT TO SHOW YOU AN ILLEGAL CHOKE HOLD.
WE'LL TAKE A QUICK BREAK.
DON'T GO AWAY.
BACK WITH MINDY KALING.