WELCOME TO THE "LATE SHOW."
I'M STEPHEN COLBERT.
WE ARE LIVE FROM THE ED
SULLIVAN THEATER.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BEAUTIFUL NEW YORK, NEW YORK,
AFTER THE VICE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE.
MAN, WAS THAT VICE-EXCITING!
( LAUGHTER ) DID YOU GUYS WATCH THE DEBATE?
YOU WATCH THE DEBATE?
EVERYBODY HERE?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) GOOD.
THAT'S GOOD.
FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO MISSED THE DEBATE, I'LL BOIL IT DOWN FOR
YOU: ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS A MAN WHO DIDN'T RELEASE
RELEASE HER EMAILS-- AND FIGHT.
( LAUGHTER ) COMING INTO TONIGHT, WE KNEW
ALMOST NOTHING ABOUT EITHER MIKE PENCE OR TIM KAINE.
IN FACT, "MORE THAN 40% OF AMERICANS CANNOT NAME THE
VICE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES."
SO THESE GUYS ARE REALLY RUNNING FOR COMMANDER IN "HEYY...
CHIEF."
WHAT'S UP, BUDDY?
SO THE QUESTION IS, WHO ARE THESE GUYS?
TIM KAINE HAS BEEN A MAYOR, LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR, GOVERNOR
AND NOW SENATOR.
HE ALSO PLAYS HARMONICA IN A BAND THAT IS ACTUALLY CALLED--
I'M NOT KIDDING-- THE JUGBUSTERS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )E
I'M NOT SURE I CAN SAY THAT ON CBS. A
>> Jon: I DON'T KNOW.
THIS IS LIVE, TOO.
>> Stephen: I ASSUME JUNK JIGLERS WAS NOT AVAILABLE.
WHEN ASKED ABOUT KAINE'S PREPARATIONS, ONE
PREPARATIONS, ONE OF HIS AIDES SAID, "HE DOESN'T HAVE A PAIR OF
LUCKY DEBATE SOCKS OR ANYTHING CRAZY."
OH, NO!
TIM KAINE GAVE UP HIS CRAZY DEBATE SOCKS BACK IN HIS WILD
COLLEGE DAYS.
HE'D HANG ONE ON THE DOORKNOB TO LET HIS ROOMMATE KNOW HE WAS
DEBATING.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE-- BIG DEBATING FANS HERE TONIGHT.
MEANWHILE, MIKE PENCE IS THE GOVERNOR OF INDIANA, WHO WORKED
AS A LOCAL TALK RADIO HOST AND DESCRIBED HIMSELF AS "RUSH
LIMBAUGH ON DECAF."
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S INTERESTING.
I DIDN'T REALIZE CAFFEINE WAS THE ACTIVE INGREDIENT IN
OXYCONTIN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I DIDN'T KNOW.
I DIDN'T KNOW.
>> Jon: OH!
>> Stephen: SAFER THAN I THOUGHT.
I GOTTA GET SOME.
AS GOVERNOR, PENCE'S RECORD WAS MARKED BY HIS RELIGIOUS FREEDOM
BILL THAT ALLOWS BUSINESSES TO REFUSE SERVICE TO GAY CUSTOMERS
ON RELIGIOUS GROUNDS.
BECAUSE BECAUSE AS JESUS HIMSELF SAID
"GET OUT OF MY PIZZA PARLOR, YOU QUEERS."
I'M PARAPHRASING.
OBVIOUSLY, WE'RE PARAPHRASING.
THAT'S A ROUGHLY TRANSLATION.
MUCH NIECER IN THE ORIGINAL AMERICAIC.
THEY SAY THESE VICE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES DON'T MATTER, AND
HILLARY CLINTON BETTER HOPE BECAUSE
IT WAS LIKE WATCHING WHITE BREAD GET PISTOL WHIPPED BY A JAR OF
MAYONNAISE: NOT A LOT OF FLAVOR, BUT THERE WAS A CLEAR
WINNER.
EARLY ON, MODERATOR ELAINE QUIJANO SET THE RULES.
>> I WOULD REMIND YOU THAT THERE IS TO BE NO CHEERING, NO BOOING,
NO NOISE OF ANY KIND AS THERE DEBATE GETS UNDERWAY.
>> Stephen: PLEASE MUFFLE YOUR YAWNS, SILENCE YOUR BLINKS, AND
APPLY THE BREATHE-RIGHT STRIPS BEFORE YOU FALL ASLEEP IN YOUR
SEAT.
AND SHE WAS NOT AFRAID TO ASK THE TOUGH QUESTIONS!
>> GOVERNOR PENCE, LET ME ASK YOU, YOU HAVE SAID DONALD TRUMP
IS, "THOUGHTFUL, COMPASSIONATE, AND STEADY."
>> Stephen: "MY QUESTION IS, GOVERNOR, HAVE YOU MET DONALD
TRUMP?"SH ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT DOESN'T SOUND-- THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE IT.
( APPLAUSE ) THERE WAS ONE EXCITING MOMENT
WHEN JOSE BAUTISTA CRUSHED THAT FASTBALL OVER THE LEFT FIELD
WALL FOR A HOME RUN.
FULL DISCLOSURE: I MAY HAVE SWITCHED OVER TO THE PLAYOFFS
JUST A LITTLE BIT.
ONE OF THE THINGS I NOTICED WAS HOW MUCH THE CANDIDATES WERE
WRITING WHILE THE OTHER WAS SPEAKING.
I BELIEVE WE HAVE A CLOSE-UP OF WHAT TIM KAINE WAS WRITING.
THAT MAKES SENS.
AND MIKE PENCE-- ANOTHER GOOD, HE DID.
MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
AT ONE POINT AND THIS SURPRISED ME A LITTLE BIT--
TIM KAINE USED SOME PRETTY SALTY TALK.SS
>> HE'S TRYING TO SUM UP WHAT DONALD TRUMP SAID.
>> Stephen: WHAT THE FUZZ?
WATCH THE LANGUAGE, YOU MOTHERFUZZER.
YOU JUGBUSTER.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU.
BIG JUGBUSTER FANS HERE TONIGHT.
( LAUGHTER ) KAINE ALSO HAD SOME COLORFUL
ATTACKS ON TRUMP: >> HE'S GOT KIND OF A
PERSONAL MOUNT RUSHMORE.
VLADIMIR PUTIN, KIM JONG-UN MOAMMAR QADAFI, AND SADAM
HUSSEIN.
>> COME ON.
>> Stephen: THAT IS UNTRUE, SENATOR.
I HAVE SEEN TRUMP'S PERSONAL MOUNT RUSHMORE.
IT'S THREE TRUMP HEADS AND ONE GRIMACE.
MAO, PENCE WAS PRETTY PASSIONATE.
LIKE HE WAS FROM DISNEY'S HALL OF VICE PRESIDENTS.
>> THE TRUMP FOUNDATION IS A PRIVATE FAMILY FOUNDATION.
THEY GIVE VIRTUALLY EVERY CENT IN THE TRUMP FOUNDATION TO
CHARITABLE CAUSES.
>> Stephen: IT'S TRUE, THEY GIVE VIRTUALLY EVERY CENT TO
CHARITIES.
THE DOLLARS, HOWEVER, ALL GO TO DONALD TRUMP.
BUT PENNIES-- BUT THE PENNIES-- HERE YOU GO.
HERE GU.
HERE ARE THE PENNIES.
DANCE!
DANCE! H DANCE.
IT WOULD BE FUN TO SEE THEM DO THAT.
I GOTTA SAY, PENCE HAD A PRETTY GOOD NIGHT.
THERE WERE SOME SURPRISING ADMISSIONS FROM THIS CULTURAL
CONSERVATIVE.
>> I TRY AND SPEND A LITTLE TIME ON MY KNEES EVERY DAY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: APPARENTLY, MIKE PENCE IS ALSO VERY CLOSE WITH
VLADIMIR PUTIN.
NOW FAIR WARNING, FAIR WARNING MIKE-- INDIANA
BUSINESSES CAN NOW REFUSE TO SERVE YOU.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND IT'S YOUR LAW.
IT'S YOUR LAW.
AND WHEN KAINE MENTIONED TRUMP'S INSULTS OF MEXICANS
FOURTH TIME, PENCE HAD THE PERFECT COMEBACK.
>> SENATOR, YOU-- YOU-- YOU WHIPPED OUT THAT MEXICAN THING
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: "THAT MEXICAN THING?
THAT MEXICAN THING?" IT HAS A NAME, GOVERNOR.
I CALL IT PEDRO.
AND IT TAUGHT ME SPANISH!
( APPLAUSE ) SO ONSO ON, LAY.
LET'S SAY PENCE'S STRONG PERFORMANCE BODES WELL FOR TRUMP
SINCE EVERYONE KNOWS THE TEAM WITH THE BEST BACKUP QUARTERBACK
ALWAYS WINS THE SUPER BOWL.
ANYWAY, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I AM FUZZING HAPPY THAT THAT
THING IS OVER AND THAT WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
LEGUIZAMO IS HERE. AND WHEN WE RETURN, I'LL BE OVER THERE,FU
TALKING ABOUT THE DRAMATIC ENDORSEMENT DONALD TRUMP HAS
JUST RECEIVED FROM A MAJOR NEWSPAPER.
STICK AROUND, EVERYBODY.