- My friends got me pork products.
I never had corn or pork products until I was 20.
And what happened was my college roommate,
she ordered Papa John's pizza,
and I was poor, so I took a bite.
She got bacon bits on it,
and I was like, wow, this is delicious.
Did you know God doesn't exist?
That is so strange, I just figured that out right now.
God does not exist, you know.
I don't know, you know, Muslims get a bad rap
and I really hate it.
My parents are great people.
It's just that fried pig backs
are a better thing than people,
and so, that's where we are right now.
I'm a terrible person who loves reality television.
I love it, I love it so much,
and I love VH1 reality TV shows.
They're a very simple formula.
You get six terrible women in a room
being terrible at each other.
Often they are black because black women are funny,
and so, my friend's like, "How can you watch this show?
"It makes black women look terrible."
I'm like, nah, it makes those black women look terrible.
I look fantastic.
I'm on a couch drinking my drink.
I ain't throwing it at anybody.
That was Evelyn.
I look amazing.
My homie was like, "Okay, okay, all right,
"it makes black women look terrible, you cool with it,
"but doesn't it bother you these women are on TV
"because they use their bodies to get money from athletes?
"Doesn't that bother you?"
Why would that bother me?
Men get so mad at women for getting by on their looks
like it's not men letting women get by on their looks.
It's not me doing it.
I've never given a pretty bitch anything.
No homework help, not a pencil case, not a cake recipe.
Evelyn's on TV because you like titties.
It has nothing to do with me.
Men get so mad at women for things men do.
It's crazy.
Like, men get mad at women for misandry.
Oh, you hate men.
Hating men wasn't my idea; that's your idea.
The first person to tell me to
stay away from niggas was my daddy.
He was like, "Stay away from boys."
"Why? 'Cause you all nice?"
Get the fuck out of here.
Listen, listen, the first murder was a man killing a man.
Okay?
Eve brought the downfall of humanity.
Literally, she ate the apple,
and Paradise was lost,
and Adam was like, all right, can work with this.
Cain saw his nigga Abel like, nah, this nigga got to go.
Because men are terrible.
I'm a millennial.
They make us so embarrassed about it.
It's always some Baby Boomer, like,
ugh, my daddy used to punch me in the chest if I smiled.
Okay, I'm sorry my mom traveled all the way
from Africa to America to raise me in
an environment where I'm, you know, happy.
I'm sorry my parents figured out that child abuse
is not a way to rear children.
That's ridiculous.
But it's always the same complaint.
It's always some Baby Boomer like ugh (groaning).
The Kardashians and avocado toast.
I'm like avocado toast sounds like
a Baby Boomer problem, actually.
It sounds like things rich people can do.
Like home ownership and moral outrage at athletes.
That's a you problem.
I don't know.
We can't be the worst that America's ever done.
We can't be, 'cause we used to own people.
Women couldn't vote.
You know if you was broke you could send
your little baby to work in a coal mine
and they come back home with little black lung.
Little baby infant black lung.
So maybe, maybe me buying Kim Kardashian's book of selfies
is the best humanity has ever been.
Maybe be a little nicer.
(audience whooping and cheering)
I grew up in a neighborhood
in Brooklyn called East New York.
Have you guys heard of it?
You've heard of East New York?
Have any of you all been to East New York?
You've been to East New York?
- [Man] I'm from The Bronx.
- You from, well, you ain't from East New York.
What are you talking about?
Oh, okay, I'm from a different dangerous neighborhood.
Okay, nigga, I would have to take a train
to my murder in your neighborhood.
Not a lot of people have heard of East New York,
so I had to Wikipedia it just to
let my friends know who I am deep inside.
These are the celebrities that come from East New York.
You ready?
All right, Henry Hill from Goodfellas.
Okay?
So now we got two rappers.
AZ.
Not Jay-Z, AZ.
And Uncle Murder.
Uncle Murder!
This guy is the brother of the mother of murder (murmuring).
(audience laughing)
(electronic beeping and feedback)