The best journey is the one that answers questions that at the beginning
you didn't even think to ask.
I'm on a journey trying to find out what it means
to be a good dad.
A military map is simple and easy to understand...
...once you know how to apply certain basic principles.
This man, for example, is in unfamiliar territory.
He wishes to identify his present location.
On his military map, if he knows how to read and use it, the soldier will find
all of the information necessary to solve his problem.
But before he can be certain that the information he reads from the map is correct,
as it relates to his present position,
He must orient the map.
There are several ways to orient a map,
but one of the fastest and most accurate is with a compass.
(fanfare)
I'm a husband, a father
and a business owner. I direct people for a living.
Telling a CEO what to say on camera,
where they should direct their marketing efforts, comes easy to me.
Raising three kids is not nearly as simple.
There's no training video or compass to direct me on how to raise my kids.
A few weeks ago my son Max had a field trip to a state park.
One of the exercises for the day was to learn how to use a compass.
Max said,
"Why can't we just use your phone?"
Instead of using our phones, we were to use a cheap plastic compass to find the locations.
We learned about True North and how to read the compass.
It was my job to help him,
employ him in the right direction.
Occasionally he was off by a few degrees.
So when I started having kids
I started realizing that something was missing.
Something wasn't right.
I really really didn't know what I was doing,
was depressed, scared, and insecure.
I was now responsible for another person.
How do I do this?
Do I have what it takes?
Is there a manual? How do I read my compass?
*A line from any position on the earth's surface to the North Pole
indicates True North.*
I started talking to other fathers.
I'd ask them, "What did you do right? And what did you do wrong?"
This is a series that looks at what it means to be a father today,
the role our dads played in our lives.
And I figured that the best way to start
would be to talk to my own dad.
Alright...
So you can, uh, you can hear me alright?
I can hear you fine.
I told you a little bit about the SoulPancake project?
You know obviously for the first episode it'd probably be good to
if I started with you you.
You know, I had expectations.
Some were met, some weren't.
You were a great athlete which I was never an athlete in any way, form or manner,
and I was proud of that.
But you weren't a very good student
...and I was....
and that bothered me that I didn't know how to
channel your energy
into more studies versus athletics.
You have a brother who's just the opposite.
No athletics
yet...studious.
And I've done him well.
So is there a right or a wrong?
absolutely not.
You know I used to tell people, never, ever give up on anybody
because they'll surprise you if you'll let them.
Both of you have surprised me in very positive ways.
This is my dad.
Born in 1954, he grew up in Rockford, Illinois.
He's worked anywhere and everywhere.
He was a photographer, sold insurance, and even was a teacher for a while.
Growing up we didn't see eye to eye very often.
I was always in trouble and he didn't know what to do with me.
He taught me how to work hard
and to make things happen for myself.
He was honest.
My dad once told me that I really sucked at basketball
and I was good soccer and I should stick with what I was good at.
He was right
I didn't even hit five foot tall until the 8th grade.
He did a great job at teaching us to learn on our own.
He gave my brother and I a video camera when we're a little
and told us to figure it out.
Shortly after video chat, my dad got a new job.
I asked him to come visit us on his way to Kansas City
I never really thought about how he was raised
and how that might have affected him as parent.
Dad was a very quiet person
that did not like to
brag about the things that he did.
But he was also very, very strict.
I knew exactly where I stood
But without him ever having to tell me.
So he never showed love or affection,
but you knew exactly what was expected from you
and you knew you better do it
and he did it with a look
with just his presence
but not with a lot of words.
My dad never hugged me,
never said he loved me.
And I suggest, parents, hug your kids,
love your kids, tell them that you love them
praise them.
Dad was proud of me.
I never heard it from him, but I knew it.
If I could go back and do anything different,
I would love to have more of a
show of love.
Even though he did love, he loved all of us
but he never showed it in an outwardly way.
and I've tried to overcome that, but it's very hard on me.
I'm not a hugger,
I shy around when people hug me.
And I have to fight showing my emotions very hard
and I think that that has hurt other people.
They think my emotional dis-attachment
says that I don't care for them or don't love them
when I do.
I think I could have done
a lot of things different and better if I would have thought
I could've accomplished things but not have anything to base it against
and knowing I had to do everything myself I probably
took different routes than I could've.
How were your parents raised?
And how has that had an effect on you as a kid...and now as a parent?
Maybe they did the best they could with what they had.
Maybe my dad could have been more present and paid more attention.
Maybe he didn't know how.
I really looked up to him
I figured he had all the answers.
I think that most people view their parents as superheroes
and then somewhere along the line they turn them into the villain.
*The hour has come!*
Is my dad really a villain?
And should I blame all my problems on him?
Probably not.
Maybe along the way I've just sold myself short.
It wasn't until I started a family that I realized that I had some pretty deep emotional wounds
from the choices that I had made as a kid
and from my dad who sometimes fell short.
A lot of psychologists would call this a father wound.
To pinpoint what went wrong between my dad and I is nearly impossible,
but something wasn't right.
Something was off.
You see, every time Max is off by a few degrees
we had to go back to the original point, recalibrate the compass,
and look forward to where we needed to go.
Growing up my dad and I were always a few degrees off
and over the years those few degrees turned into miles apart.
As a dad I'm often lost and I stumble more than I would like to admit,
but what if it is as simple as slowing down to look at our compass
and make sure that a few degrees off
doesn't turn into miles apart.
How do you do this? Do you have what it takes?
And how do you read your compass?
I think that we can all learn together
exploring what fathers have done right and what fathers have done wrong.
Maybe collectively we can inspire each other to do the best that we can
with what we have.
SoulPancake!
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