We all have times when anger just takes over our little minds. What about our
little ones? Well, their minds are even littler. What do you do with a child with
anger management issues? It's completely normal for a child to experience anger
as they move through the different developmental stages. You'll notice for
example that your kids are going to experience frustration from time to time.
And the reason this is normal is because they are taking on brand-new
developmental tasks. I noticed this with our all the son. Especially as he was
going through a new transition. When he was learning to walk, for example. Again,
when he was learning to talk. Just before he had these big developmental
milestones, who had hit a period of frustration. And I think it's because his
little brain was thinking, "Oh, I really want to do that thing." And his body
wasn't there to support him in that yet and that causes frustration. Frustration
can easily lead to anger and expressions of anger. Understand that this is normal
as your kids go through developmental stages. Normal for you too when you have
big things happening in your life. It's more normal for you to be more
emotionally sensitive. Let's tune into that and make sure that we're using
empathy to connect with our kids. In addition to this being normal, there are
times when it can get a little out of control. And our kids can learn to manage
their anger more appropriately which usually starts with frustration. I've
taught a lot of my clients that anger is a secondary emotion. And what I mean by
that is usually there's another emotion that precedes it. That comes just before
the anger. I mentioned frustration, for example. That's one of the most common
ones. But other things too. Like loss or sadness or disappointment. These are
feelings that usually come first. And because it's harder to figure out what
to do with that kind of an emotion, it's really easy to figure out what to do
with anger. "Oh yeah, we all know what to do with anger.", right? We act out. And
that's a very active kind of an emotion. The emotional education that we give our
kids can give them words and descriptions of these other more primary
emotions that could help. So, that's one of the things that we'll want to do as
our kids are growing up. Give them the words to describe the emotions that
they're feeling. Let's get into 5 specific tips that can help with kids
who are having anger management problems. Number 1, probably the most important
one. Model appropriate behavior. It's never wrong for people to feel what
they're feeling. so it's not wrong to feel anger. there are appropriate and
inappropriate ways to handle that emotion. As a parent, we need to model the
appropriate expression of those feelings. So remaining calm is important. Have some
confidence also that your child's feelings will change. Have you noticed
this? As a psychologist, this comes up all the time for me. Because people are
having intense feelings, right? Well, make a note of this. Feelings change. Think
about a storm, for example. You're sitting in your office or in your home and you
notice some thunder clouds outside some Lightning and you can tell that a storm
is starting, right? And you remember that the windows are open on your vehicle.
What do you do? You go outside and you raise your fists to the heavens and you
say, "Don't start with me!" No, like that's going to do any good.
You simply go out and make sure that your windows are closed on your vehicle.
Right? Weather the storm. Storms always pass. When your child starts to have a
little storm, for you to react with-don't-start-with-me is going to make it
worse. And it doesn't stop the storm and does nothing to calm the storm. Simply
batten down the hatches. Close the windows, board them up if you have to, if
it's a big storm. and weather the storm it's going to pass. And after the storm
passes then we can do the appropriate cleanup. They're always temporary. So keep
that in mind as your child is dealing with anger. I remember a colleague of
mine who was talking about his young son. In the backseat of the car, pitching a
royal fit. He's having a tantrum like you wouldn't believe. And my colleague simply
turned around... I was so impressed by how he handled this. He turns around and he
says to his young son, "Buddy, how long do you need?" Now, then this kid is... I don't
know, 4 or 5 years old. And he's out and in his little car seat pitching a
fit. And he heard his dad ask him how long he needed. He he said, "2 minutes."
And his dad says, "Okay." Turn back around and and it wasn't even 2 minutes. It was
maybe another 20 seconds. And then he come down and said, "I'm done." Now kids
normally do this? Probably not. But this creates an image of what I'm talking
about. You remain calm, okay? Be ready to weather
the storm for 2 minutes or whatever it's going to take. Storms always pass.
You stay calm. It's going to help the storm pass sooner, got it? Now, let's go to
tip number 2. There are times when your child's anger is so out of control that
they are in danger of hurting themselves or someone else.
you really need to take appropriate steps to set the boundaries for safety.
Sometimes that means restraint. You have to be careful about this because you
never want to cross that line of being abusive. But with a young child for
example who is thrashing about or ready to you know, hurt themselves somehow. Run
out into the street or whatever. It's okay to safely restrain them. Small
children you can actually hold. Don't squeeze them tight. You be careful, okay?
Be wise and judicious about this. But it's okay to set appropriate limits too.
So, that they're not hurting themselves or others. If you need help with this,
talk to a professional who can give you some guidance. Tip number 3, establish
communication. This is where we invite them from the anger, the rage, the
overwhelm that they're feeling right now back into appropriate communication.
Again, it's important to model this for your kids. One way that you can do this
is by calmly saying... And you might wait for the storm to subside a little bit
first so that they can hear you. Calmly say something like. "When you can talk to
me in the same kind of voice that I'm using with you, we'll be able to solve
this." Do you see? So you're modeling that. "When you can talk to me the way I'm
talking to you, we can solve this." Now, that gives them a cue. "Hey, we got to get
back into communication mode." And you might reassure them also of what we
already talked about that they're never wrong about their feelings. Use empathy. "I
know that you're feeling really upset right now. When you can talk to me the
way that I'm talking to you, we can solve this." As the communication
is reestablished, we can move on to tip
number 4. And that is to provide appropriate alternatives. What can they
do with these feelings that they're having? Now, I have to acknowledge here.
I'm not a big fan of some of the traditional lore around this that says, "Oh,
go punch a pillow.", right? And I have a problem with that because it encourages
an aggressive outlet of the feelings that they're having. I'm a much bigger
proponent of appropriate communication. Use your words. In fact, this is the
default alternative that we're going to give our kids. Use your words when you're
feeling frustrated and upset so you get into the communication mode and you say,
"I know you were really upset right then, huh?" And you're showing this empathic
support for your child. And your child says she was so upset about whatever. We
use our words to talk about when we're upset. What are some words you could use
to talk about that? Now, notice this is dependent also on your child's
development. Because if we've got a a pre verbal child, for example. A little
toddler. Well we're going to handle that differently than an older child who can
use communication. So I'm talking about kids who are on the cusp of the era of
stage 1 and stage 2. If you don't remember the stages, go review those in
other videos that we've put up here on the channel. There's one about positive
parenting that will help to give you an insight into what I'm talking about with
those stages. So review that. You can also connect to the Parenting Power-Up course
that you'll find a link for down in the description. That's where we go over all
of those stages in greater detail. We're inviting our kids here to use an
appropriate alternative. Especially and primarily, use your words. Now, what else
could they do? When you're feeling that upset,
it's good to breathe. Alright? Now, this breathing, I've used this with so many
kids. Where we have to practice it when they're not upset, okay? Because when
they're upset, they're not thinking. In fact, they're in a very different part of
their brain functioning. So when they're not upset, sometimes we'll practice the
breathing. Let's practice our breathing because that's something we can use.
Remember? When we're feeling really upset. Giving them another alternative. Now,
finally. Tip number 5 is get some help when it's appropriate. And we all need
help occasionally. I'm talking about different levels of help here.
Obviously, there are professionals, psychologist, child development
specialist, behaviorist. There are counselors and social workers and people
who have some experience in some skill sets that might help. Don't be hesitant
to reach out to these professionals in your community. And it's not only that,
you're here on the channel. This is why we're doing these videos. The positive
parenting playlist is full of different topics that could help you with your
parenting tasks. You don't have to do this alone. So reach out and get whatever
help you need to put yourself in a position to help your child. It's good to
know that there are some things that we can actually do. More resources are
available to you. Check out the Positive Parenting Playlist here at Live On
Purpose TV. And connect to the parenting power up. Parentingpower-up.com. We got
your back.
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