Hello I m Darren Magee and today s question has been asked many times, it has been asked many
different ways. How do narcissist choose their victims? , or, Why did they pick me?
Well, if you like this video if you find it helpful, please click like and please consider
subscribing to my channel. But just as a reminder, this video is not a substitute for support from
a mental health professional. Nor is it a tool to be used to diagnose someone. So firstly when
I'm talking about narcissism, I'm not talking about someone who can be difficult. Somebody
could be obstinate or selfish once in a while. I think if we re honest we can all be a little
bit like that once in a while. I'm referring to something that is pathological, it is long term,
it is pervasive, it is persistent. And the common characteristics of narcissism include
being very disagreeable. There is the need for attention. There's a need for admiration,
there's a, there's a lack of empathy, and there's been either resistant or sensitive to criticism.
So how do they choose people? How do they choose their victims? Well,
first of all I'd like to dispel a myth. There seems to be a myth a narcissist can zero in on
the most sensitive, caring, compassionate people and it's almost like they were shark able to smell
blood from a mile away. Well no, they are not clairvoyant, it is not a superpower. When they're
looking for someone who is in who is sensitive and empathic, I think they're looking for a particular
role. For example, in a workplace situation now, it's not again they have this built in radar,
what they would be doing with maybe everybody in the workplace. They will be doing little
jokes with jags, unkind humour boundaries will be getting crossed, there will be unreasonable
expectations. The one person who doesn't stand up for themselves, the one person who maybe just
wants a quiet life, the one person who doesn't answer back. That's the person they target to be
bullied. Because if they are the type of people that they would. You're only interested in kind,
sensitive, empathic people, when it comes to choosing a partner, how many people watching this
video or how many people do you know who have been in long term, narcissistic, abusive relationship
when you first met you were confident. You were ambitious you, you had you felt good about
yourself. You felt good about the things that you could do. You had a pretty good idea of how you
wanted the future to look. All of that was eroded overtime a little piece at a time till maybe
two years, three years, ten years later, all that confidence is gone. You have someone who
second guessing themselves. Someone who's going round in circles in their own head, constantly
vigilant for the next explosion, the next threat. So they don't necessarily want someone who is
caring and sensitive, and certainly that s a bonus them if they don't assert themselves.
What the narcissist wants in a partner is pretty much anybody who's available,
who s going to pay them attention. Anybody who is going to admire them, have sex with them,
listen to their terrible tales of woe and tragedy and trauma. Someone who's going to be impressed
by their, their compassion, someone who's going to be impressed by their tales of bravado and
daring do. Someone who's going to listen to their lies, and even if they know they're being lied to,
someone who's going to listen to their lies but not call them out on it. Yes,
they may look for someone who's a bit of a wreck of a person, someone who's, who's struggling with
something themselves. Maybe someone who's come out of another long term difficult relationship. Some
might look for someone like that, but more often not with narcissism, remember they are attracted
to pretty much anyone who is of value to them. They are attracted to the most beautiful person
there is. The most physically attractive person at the party. The most accomplished, the most
successful the most intelligent. The one with the most money. The moment the most potential,
the one whose family are the most affluent. These are the things the narcissist is attracted to,
because remember they are, they believe themselves to be the most beautiful,
special powerful entitled people ever and they want to be associated with other beautiful,
special powerful people. And because most relationships are more like a transaction to them.
When they meet someone like that, it's almost like their figuring out, figuring out in their
head. What do I have to do here? What way am I going to have to behave in order to get what I
want from you? Now it is generally a bonus to them if they do pick someone who's very nice,
very sensitive, doesn't like to hurt other peoples feelings. Other times what happens overtime is
those boundaries, that confidence gets eroded away. Also, think of the question, you know,
Why did they pick me? Well think of that the other way round. Why did I pick them?
Remember a lot of narcissists, the more socialised they are anyway,
they are highly accomplished actors. They've learnt to be very charismatic, witty, charming,
caring. They know how to perform empathy and compassion, things like. Or even maybe physically
very attractive, very beautiful people. They have learned many times with all their information
gathering skills they have learned to tell different people exactly what they want to hear.
It is only with hindsight that we began to see all of this was a lie. All of this was just an act.
All of this was just about manipulation. Something to think about when you think about someone with,
with very strong narcissistic trance. It doesn't matter how rich you are, doesn't matter how
good looking you are, it doesn't matter how influential you are, it doesn't matter how
nervous and shy you are it doesn't matter how you, how much you might struggle with assertiveness.
If you don't pay them any attention whatsoever, if you do not engage with them, you know that meeting
for the first time with that party going on that first date with them. If you do not engage in,
give them what they want, they tend to just go away and leave you alone and they ll move on to
the next person to see if they can get that supply from them. So maybe they picked you,
just because you were there, you were available. They picked you because you were kind. They picked
you because you believed their lies. So they re are my thoughts on how narcissists pick
their victims. Now, as always, please feel free to share any thoughts or experiences in the comment
box below. There have been some interesting discussions starting around these videos.
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for future updates or mental health related topics until next time. Thanks for watching.