Welcome, everybody. Enjoy yourself.
Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody.
Yeah, you're here. You made it.
[ Cheers and applause ] It is the holiday season.
Isn't it a great time to be here in New York City?
Doesn't it feel good?
But I just saw that the police just warned tourists
to be on the lookout for pickpockets.
And to everyone in the audience who just checked your pockets,
it's too late now.
You can never be too safe. That's why this time of year,
instead of a wallet, I keep all my money in crypto.
[ Laughter ]
That's right. Pickpockets are everywhere.
'Cause nothing ruins a week of $200 Broadway tickets
and $12 pretzels like getting ripped off.
You know what I'm saying?
Hey, here's some good news for the holidays.
After more than a year of record inflation,
it looks like prices are finally starting to go down.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah. So...
So, take that, annoying people
who finished all their Christmas shopping in November.
Ha ha!
We win!
Some political news.
Tomorrow is the Georgia Senate runoff
between Herschel Walker and Senator Raphael Warnock.
Warnock's supporters said that they're voting for him
because of his policies, while Walker's supporters say
they're voting for him because it's funny.
[ Laughter ]
More than 1.8 million Georgia residents have already voted,
and that's just Herschel Walker's children.
[ Audience oohs ] Right now --
[ Applause ] Right now --
-Whoa!
-Right now, Warnock is leading Walker
in the polls by about 4 points.
Yeah, only 4 points.
That explains Warnock's slogan...
It's like -- It's only 4 points.
Tomorrow is the big runoff
between Herschel Walker and Raphael Warnock.
And I must say, it's nice to see two candidates
set aside their personal attacks
and focus on real issues in their campaign.
Check out this ad for Herschel Walker.
-Herschel Walker has always let Georgians know
where he stands on the important issues
like taxes, jobs...
and vampires. -[ Hissing ]
-I don't know if you know.
Vampires are some cool people, are they not?
But I'm-a tell you something today I found out.
A werewolf can kill a vampire. Do you know that?
-Where does Raphael Warnock stand on vampires?
He's never told us.
But Herschel Walker has.
-Because, you know, gotta have a stake
and gotta have a thing that kill 'em in the heart.
And you got a necklace of garlic, 'cause that work.
I don't know what it does, but it work.
Gotta have a cross 'cause it burns. I know that works.
-So I don't want to be a vampire anymore.
I want to be a werewolf.
[ Wolf howls ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Well, everyone's talking about this.
Over the weekend, former President Trump
called for the 2020 election to be overturned
by terminating the Constitution.
[ Audience oohs ]
And Trump can actually do it because he has the real
Constitution hanging in the bathroom at Mar-a-Lago.
[ Laughter ] So he could...
Trump wants to terminate the Constitution.
Then a staffer held a brick to his ear like,
"Yeah, working on it right now, sir. Yeah."
Well, listen to this. I read that compared
to past presidents, books about President Biden
aren't selling many copies.
Yeah, you can tell that Biden books aren't that exciting.
I mean, just look at the blurbs on the back.
For instance, this critic from "The New York Times" wrote...
[ Laughter and applause ]
Next up, "The Washington Post" wrote...
[ Laughter and applause ]
Then "USA Today" wrote...
[ Laughter and applause ] -Wow!
-These are the blurbs on the back of --
-These are the blurbs on the back of the book
that real humans wrote. Wow. -Yeah. Yeah.
"Time" Magazine wrote...
[ Laughter and applause ]
And finally, the "Chicago Tribune" wrote...
I mean, why would you put that on the back of the --
-Wow.
[ Applause ]
-Some entertainment news.
A new episode of "White Lotus" dropped last night,
and it was a real doozy.
-Oh, no. No spoilers. I haven't seen it yet.
-Oh, I wasn't gonna spoil anything.
I was just saying it was a good episode. I --
-I don't care. I might be able
to extrapolate information from what you say.
-I don't see how that's possible.
-Just don't. Okay?
-Alright. Fine. What else can we talk about?
Everyone's talking about the show "Wednesday" --
-Ah, wah-wah-wah! No spoilers.
-I was just gonna say the dance scene is getting a lot of buzz.
-Great, Jimmy. Now I know there's a dance scene.
-Everyone knows there's a dance scene.
It's huge on TikTok. -Great!
Now I know it's huge on TikTok!
-Alright. Fine. What else is there to talk about?
"Yellowstone" is big right now. -Ahh-- I haven't seen it.
-"Violent Night" is getting good reviews.
-Haven't seen it.
-The trailer for "Cocaine Bear."
-♪ La dee da dee da da da ♪
-The "Survivor" finale is --
-♪ Loo loo loo loo, loo loo loo loo loo ♪
-Alright. Fine. Fine. We'll talk about the news instead.
Alright? Everyone knows the U.S. lost to the Netherlands.
-In what?
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
-President Joe Biden --
-He won the election?
[ Laughter ]
-Donald Trump --
-He won the election?!
-Christmas is almost here. -It is?
-Alright. That's enough. You're behind on everything.
What have you been doing this whole time?
-Wordle. I'm actually doing today's puzzle right now.
-Well, get a load of this. It's actually woken.
W-O-K-E-N. "Woken" is the word today.
-I swear to God.
Mother [bleep]!
-Hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey! Come on, man! Whoa! Hey!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Sorry!
Unbelievable. Sorry!
-Steve: Wow. -Guys, get this.
Following a pause during the pandemic,
the Catholic Church has reintroduced handshakes
during mass.
-[ Applause ] -[ Woman exclaims ]
-Really? -Wow.
-Peace be with you. Wow.
-Yep, shaking hands at church,
or as Mike Pence calls it, "going all the way."
[ Laughter ] Hey. Did you guys see this?
Everyone's been using this new A.I. app
that takes your selfies
and turns them into beautiful portraits.
I did mine earlier today. Look at -- Look at mine.
They made me look like a... 1930s Hollywood star.
-Oh. -Quest, did you try it?
-Yeah, I did. Check it out, man.
-Ooh. -See?
That's what I look like as an impressionist painting.
-Yeah, I love that. Higgins, did you try it?
-Yeah. Take a look.
-Hey! God!
What filter is that?!
-Filter? That was Saturday.
-Oh, my God!
Moving on. [ Clears throat ]
Hey, guys, I heard about a tattoo removal studio in London
that's lasering off Kanye West tattoos for free.
[ Laughter and applause ]
That's great. You just walk in and say, "Make my Ye a nay."
[ Applause ]
Finally, we have exactly 10 shows left
before we go on Christmas break, which means it's time
for that beloved "Tonight Show" tradition.
It's time for "12 Days of Christmas Sweaters."
-♪ 12 Days of Christmas Sweaters ♪
♪ Ten days left ♪
-That's right.
Every show between now and Christmas,
we'll be giving one lucky audience member
an exquisite Christmas sweater
from the Countdown to Christmas Cabinet.
Now, since there are 10 shows left,
let's open door number 10.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Ready for this?
Ooh! [ Laughs ]
Wow.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Wow.
This is --
Oh, my gosh.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Wow.
Alright.
Now let's see who's gonna go home with tonight's sweater.
Everyone look at your seat number.
If I call your number, come on down.
Quest, can I get a drum roll, please?
[ Drum roll ]
Who wants this sweater?! It's a good one!
[ Cheers and applause ]
216!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Come on! Come on!
♪♪
Come on! How you doing?
Nice to see you. How are you? Why don't you stand over there?
Here you go.
What is your name and where are you from?
-I'm Leah. I'm from Germany.
-Yeah! Leah from Germany!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Wow. We love Germany. Thanks for coming to the show.
I appreciate this. It gets cold in Germany, right?
-It does. -Yeah.
Do you have anything like this?
-Not yet. -Yeah.
Would you like to try it on? -Absolutely.
-Yeah. Here. Go for it. This is gonna be fun.
-Oh, my gosh.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-You're -- It's very -- Oh, yeah!
This is good.
Wow!
Stunning! Stunning! Gorgeous!
That's what I'm talking about.
Thank you so much for being here.
I appreciate this.
Let's give our winner a round of applause. Stick around.
We'll be right back with Selena Gomez, everybody!
Come on back!
♪♪