Hi, I'm Dr. Paul Jenkins a professional psychologist one of the most common laments
I hear in my office. How can I feel so negative when I know the importance of staying positive?
I'll help you with that today.
I'll give you the psychology around why this happens. But stick around, because at the end I've
got two powerful brain hacks for you that will change the game. Your brain is designed to take
care of you. It's doing its job and it does that in two specific ways, it wants to keep you safe
and it wants to prove you right.
Understanding this will help us to take a little higher
control over our own brain. I think it's also important to know that we can trick
or fool our brain and then it plays tricks on us. For example, many of the things that our brain
is trained to keep us safe from are not an issue in the world in which we live. Maybe back in the
caveman days you know when you could be attacked by a saber-toothed tiger, you needed to be on the
alert for all of the dangers in our world. But for most of us, we've created an existence where
that is simply not the case. We live in relatively comfortable circumstances with few
immediate threats to our safety and health.
But our brain doesn't know that and it's wired to keep us safe.
So, anytime a threat comes up it kicks us into what's called the fight or flight response.
This is what your brain is supposed to do so that you can actually live to see another day.
It's doing its job. When we notice that happening,
we're engaging in something that I call metacognition.
That's just a fancy psychological word that means thinking about our own thinking
and I invite you to go there with me today during
this video so that you can think about what your own mind is doing
to process what you're experiencing.Tthink about your thinking, go to that metacognitive level.
I also shared with you that your brain is trying to prove you right.
Normally, this isn't a problem but it causes problems for us all the time because it's looking
for evidence and sometimes even creating evidence to support whatever belief we already have.
In other words, what we think our brain will work on proving to us even if it's not true.
This is a process that psychologists call confirmation bias and you maybe heard of that.
This will get in our way as well. Here's an example,
if our brain thinks that we're in danger it will find evidence to support that
and kick us into the fight-or-flight response. If our brain thinks that we're lacking food or sleep
it will get right to work on addressing that as the primary problem
and find all kinds of evidence that that is in fact
the case. You know, one of my coaches pointed out
to me that not getting enough sleep is not a big deal.
I didn't expect her to say that. I thought she was going to say, "Hey, sleep is one of the
most important things you can do for your mental health. We know this from
all of the psychological research that's been done
but that's not what she said. She said getting enough sleep is not a big deal.
That's a thought but notice how your brain is just working to support whatever it is that you already
understand or believe. This is a powerful dynamic that's going on all the time in our own minds.
If our brain is used to thinking a certain thing it will look for and
find and sometimes even create or fabricate evidence to support what we already think.
I had a couple I was working with years ago where she was convinced. She knew that
he was cheating on her, he was having an affair. Well,
he knew for sure that he wasn't but everything that she saw contributed evidence to her that she
was right about this. There was even one time when he bought her flowers on his way home from work
and as he presented these flowers to her she got this [ __ ] eyed look on her face and she's like,
"Why are you giving me flowers?
Are you feeling guilty about something?", see, the red roses became
red roses in other words she read into those roses something that wasn't there. Our brain does
this all the time, it's called confirmation bias. Just notice that it's happening and whatever you
already think your brain is going to be working to support that belief. Watch out for that. As we
see that these processes are happening in our mind,
it gives us a little higher level of control over it.
Remember the question is when I'm feeling so negative all the time,
why do I do that? Even when I
know how important it is to stay positive. Staying positive is really about steering these processes
that are constantly going on in our minds and we can't turn them off. It's kind of like gravity.
Okay, think about gravity for a minute. You never wonder if it's on, you just assume that it is and
what happens if you jump from the top of a tall building? You're going to fall. Which direction?
Down. See, how certain you are of that. It's because
it's absolutely predictable. Gravity is always on.
It's always pulling you toward the center of the earth or down the way we experience it.
I'm going to come back to that in just a minute
but notice that these processes are always going on.
I've created a model for this. In fact, I would love to share with you
just a free copy of this model.
I'm going to be referring to it in this and other videos. Go to the URL that's on your
screen to pick up a pdf copy of this model, it's drpauljenkins.com/themodel all one word go
grab this as a reference. Because it points out these
processes that are going on in our minds all the time.
You can't turn them off. it's kind of like gravity. We are constantly... evaluating
our circumstances and predicting what is to come. That's what the model covers. We're not going to
go into detail in this video about the model.
But get a copy of it so that you can refer back to it
and then I'll give you a video right at the end of this one that you can queue up
to watch a more complete training on what that model is. While we're talking about that would you
just take a moment before we move on to click that subscribe button. I get to be your coach, your
positivity psychologist. If you already have one because if you do that's fine. But if you don't,
I'm him, okay. So, click that subscribe button and
I will continue to bring you these kinds of videos.
What I love about this model that I'm sharing with you is that once we become aware of the
processes that are going on in our own mind it puts us into a position of choice.
Now, that is important. Like I said, positivity is steering the direction that our mind goes
as we evaluate our life. Now, here's a trick question for you. How are you doing?
Now, I said it's a trick question I warned you,
how are you doing? The truth is going back to the model
it is what it is, that's right here in the middle. How you're doing is exactly whatever and how
you're doing right now and it could always be better it could always be worse. But notice also
that you had some answer to that. So, when I say how are you doing? You might have the practiced
habitual answer that you tell everybody, "Oh, I'm doing just great",
I have one friend who says, "I'm finer than frog's hair". I don't even know what that
means. One of my practiced ones is I'm
sweet and lovely as usual
and I just say it to be cutesy and to have fun with people. But notice that
you've got some answer to it. How are you doing?
And you might think, "I'm not doing very well", well,
compared to what? How many limbs do you have? Do they all work? Seems like you're doing pretty
well then. Now, notice, that I just illuminated to you one of these processes that's going
on in the model. You're constantly judging what's going on in your life
and how you judge how you're doing, for example, determines how you feel.
That's what these red and green arrows are all about.
If you compare what you're doing to something better you feel worse about how you're doing.
If you compare what you're doing to something worse then you feel better about how you're doing.
Just notice that it's happening and I'm not here to tell you how to think.
I don't have that kind of authority. I do want you to see that you are thinking and that it matters.
So, notice that. Now, on the top part of the model we are also constantly creating what is to be and
that doesn't exist yet, we haven't created it yet. But when we expect that what's coming is better
we feel awesome. When we expect that what's coming is worse we feel anxiety, fear, apprehension,
that's what the model has to do with. Now, here's why this is important, default is down. Connect
with what I'm saying here for just a minute. I had an opportunity a couple of years ago to go with my
son on a hike in Hawaii, it's called the stairway to heaven and technically it's trespassing.
But we're not here to talk about that, okay. He got me on this volcano. These are steps
metal stairs that are built on the shear ridge of a volcano in Hawaii. It's about four and a
half miles round trip and there are places on that trail or stairway that are so steep. It's
more like a ladder seriously going straight up.
I've got pictures from that experience that just give me the heebie-jeebies
even to look at. Because what's going to happen if we lose hold? Yeah, it
doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure this out or even a psychological
scientist. You know that default is down because you never hear of someone falling
up. Is that true on the stairway to heaven?
Yeah, what about if you park your car on a hill and leave the brake off?
which way does it roll? Yeah.
What about your workout program, your exercise routine? How about your relationships? How about
your health, your diet? What happens if you lose hold of any of those? Which direction do they go?
Default is down and that's the quickest answer I can give you to why we feel negative even though
we know the positivity is so important and for those who are not actively working on it guess
which direction it's going? No surprises, gravity is always on and default is down.
I promised you two brain hacks, let's get to those before I turn you loose. Brain hack number one to
stay positive and this will take some practice okay. This is called the gratitude power up.
I want you to jot down some numbers right now.
25/5 just a 25/5 okay, write that down somewhere to remind you about
what this will be. Five stands for five days starting today make a gratitude list.
Now, you've done these before you've probably done gratitude journals. 25 items for which
you are sincerely grateful and don't pretend to be grateful for these things. I want you to pick
things you are sincerely grateful for, those go on your list. Now, here's the power-up part.
At least half of your list that's 13 if you're doing the math okay every day and don't repeat
anything on tomorrow's list that was on today's list. Come on, stretch a little bit. At least half
of your list, every day is about the hard stuff. Something that is difficult, painful, frustrating,
kicking your hiney, and I'm not saying you have to be grateful for the hard thing. I'm saying,
look at that hard thing and look inside of it. Peel it open a little bit,
rummages around in there and
see what you can find that you are grateful for from that difficult thing. One of my clients in my
office the other day was saying, "Well, what about this depression? What can I be grateful for from
this depression?", good question. Make sure it's a question not a statement, disguised as a question.
Do you notice the difference? What could I be grateful for from this?
Hear the exclamation point?
It's not a question, watch your punctuation. Turn
it back into a question, what could I be grateful for
from this and you know what they came up with they said,
"Well, I get to learn these principles that you've been sharing with me Dr. Paul this is awesome",
wow, are you really grateful for that? Yeah.
Do you see what I mean? Now, that doesn't mean that this client was grateful for the depression
but this client was truly grateful for the opportunity to learn the principles that I'm
sharing with you right here right now. So, half
of your list is about the hard stuff. Are we clear?
You do that every day for five days, five days 25 items a day half of your list is
about the hard stuff. This is not only a brain hack. This is potentially life-saving. I could
tell you the names of people whose lives were saved because they did this exercise.
Take it on, it's going to change some things. Here's the second brain hack,
I call it better by 8.
Think about it, how sure are you that 8 o'clock is coming? Just look at your watch right now.
You see what time it is? How sure are you that 8 o'clock is coming? Pretty darn sure right and
there's two every day for those of you who don't get up early. Just notice that, 8 o'clock is
coming for sure, right? Okay, next question. How
sure are you that you will be around for 8 o'clock?
Pretty darn sure, right? Almost as sure as you are that 8 o'clock is coming.
You've made it to every 8 o'clock so far your whole life, why would that change? You're
going to be around for 8 o'clock. Now, here's the last question, which direction are we going?
Okay, notice this, things cannot be exactly the same at 8 o'clock. Now, I used to think maybe that
was a possibility but at the very least you're gonna be a few hours older and things change.
Okay, so by your own evaluation which you can't turn off things have to be either better or worse.
At 8 o'clock, by your own judgment, you can't turn it off. We already know you could make things
worse. Let's not go there, okay. Better by 8 is the same practice or the same five days.
Let's do this. You find something some little thing or a big thing I don't care,
it's up to you. This is your
project where you can do something that makes your life better by 8. Can you think of something?
Yeah, see, how your mind is starting to give you some ideas? It can be a little thing or
a big thing it doesn't matter. Do something to make your life better by 8. I'm not talking
next week next month or next year. 8 o'clock you got it? You do this for the same five days
you get to have 10 upgrades to your life. How
does that feel? Isn't that awesome? That's why I call
these brain hacks. Hey, we can steer the direction of our thinking. We don't always
get to choose what happens to us. We do get to choose how we do these two things
evaluation and creation. Make sure you
get the model, you've got this. Let's keep this energy going. Okay, queue up that next video how
you can reprogram your mind to stay strong and positive and I will explain that model that
I shared with you in more detail. If you haven't got the model yet drpauljenkins.com/themodel.
Go get it.