I HOPE EVERYBODY'S RECOVERED FROM THEIR EARTH DAY
HANGOVERS AND CLEANED THE VOMIT AND GOOD INTENTIONS OFF THEIR
JEANS.
( LAUGHTER ) EARTH DAY.
EARTH DAY BY FAR THE MOST POPULAR OF THE PLANETARY
BIRTHDAY CELEBRATIONS.
( LAUGHTER ) AGAIN, MY APOLOGIES TO URANUS.
( LAUGHTER ) WE--
( LAUGHTER ) PROBABLY PRONOUNCING THAT
WRONG, BUT WE CERTAINLY DID NOT MEAN TO FORGET YOUR BIRTHDAY
LAST YEAR.
I HOPE THIS CARD FINDS YOU WELL.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS )
HOW MUCH WE KISS ITS ASS, THE EARTH CONTINUES TO ACT OUT.
>> GEOLOGISTS IN OKLAHOMA SAY
RECENT SMALL EARTHQUAKES IN THAT STATE ARE VERY LIKELY TRIGGERED
BY THE UNDERGROUND DISPOSAL OF WASTED WATER FROM OIL AND GAS
WELLS.
>> THAT STATE SHOOK BY NEARLY 600 QUAKES LAST YEAR, MORE THAN
ANY OTHER STATE IN THE COUNTRY.
>> UNTIL 2008 THE STATE AVERAGED ONE TO TWO QUAKES MAGNITUDE
THREE OR GREATER PER YEAR.
IN 2015, IT'S AVERAGED TWO PER DAY.
>> Jon: HMMM...
♪ OAK-LA HOMA, WHERE THE GROUND STARTS SHAKING TWICE A DAY ♪♪
THEATER!
JEEZ, I WONDER IF THERE'S A CONNECTION BETWEEN THE UPTICK IN
INDUSTRIAL-SCALE DRILLING AND INJECTING OF HIGH-PRESSURE FLUID
DEEP INTO THE EARTH FRACTURING ITS SHALE ROCK AND SIPHONING OUT
THE NATURAL GAS TO THE SURGE IN ( BLEEP ) FALLING OFF
OKLAHOMANS' SHELVES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.
GOVERNOR.
>> WE HAVE HAD A LONG HISTORY IN THE STATE OF OKLAHOMA OF
EARTHQUAKES.
WE HAVE PEOPLE LOOKING AT WHAT ARE THE CAUSE OF THE
EARTHQUAKES?
ARE THEY MANMADE OR ARE THEY JUST A NATURAL COURSE OF NATURE
ITSELF?
>> Jon: IS IT, AS COMMON SENSE MIGHT SUGGEST, THE SEEMINGLY
OBVIOUS CONNECTION TO FRACKING OR IS THE LORD USING OUR GREAT
STATE AS A SHAKE WEIGHT? WHO REALLY KNOWS WHAT'S --
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THAT'S UNFORTUNATE.
( LAUGHTER ) WELL, GOOD NEWS, OKLAHOMA.
>> THE STATE OF OKLAHOMA SAID IT HAD ACCEPTED SCIENTIFIC EVIDENCE
THAT FRACKING HAD CAUSED HUNDREDS OF EARTHQUAKES THERE.
>> Jon: I'M SORRY, COULD YOU PLAY THE FIRST PART OF THAT
AGAIN?
>> THE STATE OF OKLAHOMA SAID IT HAD ACCEPTED SCIENTIFIC
EVIDENCE.
>> Jon: YOU'VE ACCEPTED SCIENTIFIC EVIDENCE?
( LAUGHTER ) WELL, SHOVE A DRILL UP MY ASS
AND PUMP ME FULL OF HIGH PRESSURE FRACKING LIQUID!
CAUSE THAT RIGHT THERE IS THE REAL EARTHQUAKE!
THAT IS THE REAL EARTHQUAKE!
ALSO, DO THAT BECAUSE I AM FILLED WITH NATURAL GAS.
( LAUGHTER ) OKLAHOMA ADMITTING YOU HAVE A
PROBLEM IS THE FIRST STEP.
NOW THE STATE GOVERNMENT CAN FINALLY STEP IN AND DO SOMETHING
ABOUT THESE OIL AND GAS FRACKING WASTEWATER DISPOSAL WELLS.
>> ONE DAY AFTER THE OKLAHOMA GEOLOGICAL SURVEY REPORTS IT IS
VERY LIKELY THAT OIL AND GAS WASTEWATER DISPOSAL WELLS
TRIGGERED THE RECENT EARTHQUAKES, HOUSE LAWMAKERS
APPROVE A BILL THAT KEEPS CITIES AND TOWNS FROM REGULATING OIL
AND NATURAL GAS DRILLING OPERATIONS.
>> Jon: HM.
( LAUGHTER ) WHAT THE ( BLEEP ), OKLAHOMA.
I MEAN, THAT'S JUST-- THAT'S JUST.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S JUST STUPID.
YOU FINALLY ADMIT THAT FRACKING HAS TURNED YOUR STATE INTO
ONE GIANT BROOKSTONE MASSAGE CHAIR AND YOUR FIRST RESPONSE IS
TO ENSURE NO ONE CAN EVER STOP IT, WHY?
>> WHAT THEY'RE DOING NOW IS THE CHEAPEST WAY TO DO IT AND IT
WORKS WELL EXCEPT FOR THE EARTHQUAKES AND THE
CONTAMINATION OF GROUNDWATER.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: YES.
YES.
OTHER THAN THAN THAT, MRS. LINCOLN, HOW DID YOU ENJOY THE
PLAY?
BUT WHILE SOME STATES MAY BE TURNING THEIR BACK ON MOTHER
NATURE, THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT IS GETTING INTO GREEN GAME IN A
WEIRD WAY.
>> HI, I'M DUNK, AND I'M THE NATIONAL SECURITY AGENCY'S
RECYCLING MASCOT.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Jon: DEAR GOD, SPONGEBOB, WHAT HAVE THEY DONE
TO YOU?
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, I HAVE MANY, MANY QUESTIONS
ABOUT THIS N.S.A. VIDEO.
FIRST OFF, HOW IS THE GOVERNMENT AGENCY WITH THE MOST
SOPHISTICATED COMPUTER TECHNOLOGY IN THE WORLD NOT
CAPABLE OF PRODUCING COMPUTER GRAPHICS AT A HIGHER LEVEL THAN
A 1980s DIRE STRAITS VIDEO?
FOR GOD'S SAKE.
LOOK AT THIS MASCOT.
IT LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY FROM THE BLUE MAN GROUP ( BLEEP ) A TRASH
CAN!
IT'S THE WORST!
( LAUGHTER ) BUT, OF COURSE, DUNK'S UNHOLY
BIRTH RAISES ANOTHER QUESTION.
WHAT DOES THE N.S.A. HAVE TO DO WITH RECYCLING ANYWAY?
>> N.S.A. HAS BEEN GOING GREEN FOR OVER 25 YEARS.
IMPLEMENTING COUNTLESS INITIATIVES TO BE
ENVIRONMENTALLY FRIENDLY.
NOW, YOU MAY BE ASKING YOURSELF WHY DO WE NEED TO KEEP OUR STUFF
OUT OF LANDFILLS?
>> Jon: DUNK?
HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M ASKING MYSELF?
( LAUGHTER ) YOU REALLY DO WORK FOR THE
N.S.A.
( LAUGHTER ) SO WE'VE ESTABLISHED YOU'RE A
MONSTROSITY BORN OF THE LOVE BETWEEN SOMEONE WHO IS IN THE
BLUE MAN GROUP AND A WASTE CONTAINER?
AND THAT YOU CAN READ MY THOUGHTS AND THAT YOUR
HORRIBLE MUTANT BOX MONSTER.
TWO REASONS TO FEAR AND OBEY YOU.
WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?
>> WE'RE CHALLENGING YOU TO CONDUCT A WASTE AUDIT AT YOUR
SCHOOL.
YOU'RE GOING TO DIG THROUGH ALL THE TRASH IN YOUR SCHOOL AND
THEN YOU'RE GOING TO ANALYZE IT.
>> Jon: HEY, KIDS, DOES ANY OF THAT TRASH HAVE PHONE NUMBERS
OR COMPUTER PASSWORDS ON IT?
DOES ANY OF THE PAPER THROWN AWAY LOOK SHREDDED?
IF SO, YOUR LITTLE FINGERS ARE JUST THE RIGHT SIZE TO TRY
TO PUT THE PIECES BACK TOGETHER.
THINK OF IT AS A JIGSAW PUZZLE THAT INCRIMINATES YOUR TEACHERS.
>> YOU'LL NEED IDENTIFY THE TYPES OF TRASH MAKING UP THE
WASTE STREAM OF YOUR SCHOOL AND THE AMOUNT OF EACH TYPE OF TRASH
BY WEIGHT AND VOLUME.
THEN YOU'LL USE MATH.
>> Jon: HOLD THE PHONE!
YOU'RE TELLING ME FIRST THE KIDS GET TO GO THROUGH A BUNCH OF
GARBAGE, AND THEN FOR DESSERT, THEY GET TO USE MATH!
DUNK.
YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND.
LOOK HERE, DUNK!
( LAUGHTER ) OUR KIDS GET PLENTY OF LESSONS
ON RECYCLING FROM EVERYWHERE ELSE IN THE WORLD.
YOU WANT TO EDUCATE THEM, TELL THEM N.S.A. IS REALLY UP TO.
>> HEY, JON, IT'S ME, DUNK!
>> Jon: DUNK?
>> I HEARD WHAT YOU WERE SAYING ABOUT ME.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Jon: HOW?
>> I WAS WATCHING THE SHOW!
>> Jon: DUNK, WE TAPE AT 6:00.
WE'RE DOING THIS AT 6:00.
THE SHOW HASN'T EVEN AIRED YET.
>> RIGHT, NOT PUBLICLY.
ANY-HOO!
YOU KNOW, JUST BECAUSE WE'RE A SPY AGENCY DOESN'T MEAN WE DON'T
CARE ABOUT THE PLANET?
>> Jon: SURE NO, I GUESS I SHOULDN'T BE SO CYNICAL.
THAT'S JUST, YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES, STORIES COME OUT
ABOUT CERTAIN AGENCIES THAT MAKE
IT SEEM LIKE THEY CAN'T BE TRUSTED OR THEY'RE OUT TO HURT
US, RATHER THAN HELP US, WHEN REALLY IN A LOT OF WAYS, WHAT--
DUNK WHAT, ARE YOU DOING?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
>> AH, NOTHING, NOTHING.
>> Jon: ARE YOU SCANNING ME?
>> NO, NO! TARGET HAS BEEN AQUIRED.
THE JEW IS IN THE BAGEL.
I REPEAT, THE JEW IS IN THE BAGEL!