Less than an hour ago,
President Trump finished
his third State of the Union address.
Now, the State of the Union has been going on
for hundreds of years. I know that.
But-but when you take a step back,
you have to admit, it's kind of weird as a tradition, right?
'Cause why does the president get to give
his own job evaluation?
That's strange. Nobody else gets to do that.
He's just up there, like, "My economy, the best ever.
"My military, the best ever.
"My children,
"eh, D-plus.
Eric, Eric, you're holding us down."
But this year's State of the Union was extra weird,
because, in case you forgot,
it's happening right in the middle of Trump's impeachment.
Right? So, for months, Democrats have been saying
that Trump is a threat to democracy
and a danger to the republic.
But now they just have to sit there and clap
while he gives a speech.
That is wild. It's like two di--
It's-it's like you're in the middle of firing someone
who's belligerent at work,
but then you get interrupted by their birthday party.
You know what I mean? It's like,
"You were caught stealing, Jake. You're always late.
"You're a sc... ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy birth... ♪ "You're fired.
♪ To-to you. ♪
(quietly): I'm gonna kill you."
Now, not everyone,
not everyone was willing to deal with tonight's awkwardness.
At least ten Democrats decided that they were gonna boycott
the speech, including Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.
-(cheering and applause) -Right? Who tweeted,
who tweeted-- and I love this--
she was like, "None of this is normal,
and I will not legitimize it."
Which makes sense. And I'm totally gonna use that excuse
to get out of any plans in the future.
I'm just gonna be like, "It is not normal
"to throw a gender reveal party.
I will not legitimize it!"
But for those who did show up,
they got to witness a very awkward start
to the State of the Union, where Nancy Pelosi tried
to shake Trump's hand but he was having none of it.
(applause)
(audience oohing)
Ooh.
That's embarrassing.
That's embarrassing. Now, look,
either Trump didn't see Pelosi's hand
or he just didn't want to shake it.
But, honestly, I think it was probably for the best.
Yeah. Because she's wearing a white suit. Yeah.
And then she'd have nowhere to wipe off the chicken grease
that's always on the president's hands.
That combined with spray tan, it doesn't come out.
But awkward handshake aside,
Trump was focused tonight,
and he dove right into his greatest hits.
I am thrilled to report to you tonight
that our economy is the best it has ever been.
Our families are flourishing.
Our values are renewed.
Our pride is restored.
The state of our union
is stronger than ever before.
(cheering and applause)
(laughter)
(cheering and applause)
Oh, man.
Oh, man. You know what I love about old black people's faces?
They always tell the truth. Always tell the truth.
'Cause you can tell Congressman James Clyburn over here
did not agree with that one. Like, look at that.
That's the face of every old-timer in the barbershop
when someone says any basketball player is better than Jordan.
They're just like, "Come on, man.
"He got six rings,
"and he beat the Monstars.
Come on, man."
Now, traditionally, traditionally,
the State of the Union is more about
what the president has done and what he plans to do.
But, tonight, Trump took a lot of time out of his speech
to show off his player-hating degree.
If we hadn't reversed the failed economic policies
of the previous administration,
the world would not now be witnessing
this great economic success.
My administration reversed the failing policies
of the previous administration on Cuba.
Under the last administration,
more than ten million people were added
to the food stamp rolls.
In eight years under the last administration,
over 300,000 working-age people dropped out of the workforce.
Come on. Really?
It's been three years since Obama's been out
of the White House, but, still, Trump is obsessed with him.
He's just after-- I wonder if he does this with Melania, too.
You know? Just like, "Remember your ex, Ivan?
"Well, guess what, he still works at Slovenian Food Locker.
And I bet he never got you your own bedroom to sleep in."
And you may remember, you may remember,
last year, Trump took a lot of flak
for delivering a State of the Union address
during Black History Month
and barely mentioning black people.
But this year, the commander in chief
rode in on the soul train.
African-American youth unemployment
has reached an all-time low.
African-American poverty has declined
to the lowest rate ever recorded.
We achieved record and permanent funding
for our nation's historically black colleges
and universities.
Opportunity Zones,
a plan spearheaded by Senator Tim Scott
-as part of our great Republican tax cuts. -(applause, cheering)
Opportunity Zones are helping Americans,
like Army veteran Tony Rankins.
A few weeks ago, I signed a bill
promoting Charles McGee
to "Brigadier General."
-Thank you, sir. -(cheers and applause)
Damn. Donald Trump made sure
that this time, his speech was a lot more black.
Yeah, although I do think he went too far
when he delivered the rest of the speech in a do-rag.
-That was a bit extreme. -(laughter)
Was a bit extreme.
Now, of course...
Now, of course, no Trump speech would be complete
without an absolute blatant lie.
And for tonight's address,
Trump went with an old classic, and that is
that he's the champion of health care.
I've also made an ironclad pledge to American families.
We will always protect patients with preexisting conditions.
(cheers and applause)
Really?
That lie is so extreme that if Trump was Pinocchio,
he would have impaled Mitch McConnell in his seat.
(laughter)
Just stabbed him right in the chest.
"Muh. Joke's on you. I'm all skin. Muh."
(laughter)
-Because... -(applause)
Because here's the truth. Here's the truth, right?
Trump tried to kill protections
for preexisting conditions when he went after Obamacare.
And right now, right now, his administration is in court
trying to kill it again.
So him claiming to be the champion
of protecting preexisting conditions
is like the Coronavirus being like,
"I love Chinese people. I really do! I really do!"
(laughter)
But if there was one theme for tonight's State of the Union,
it was Trump doing what he does best--
creating a show made for TV.
TRUMP: I can proudly announce tonight
that an Opportunity Scholarship has become available.
It's going to you, and you will soon be heading
to the school of your choice.
(cheers and applause)
And Rush, in recognition
of all that you have done for our nation,
I am proud to announce tonight
that you will be receiving our country's
highest civilian honor--
the Presidential Medal of Freedom.
(cheers and applause)
Tonight, we have a very special surprise.
I am thrilled to inform you
that your husband is back from deployment.
He is here with us tonight,
and we couldn't keep him waiting any longer!
(cheers and applause)
Okay, he might not be a great president,
but you have to admit, this man knows how to put on a show.
'Cause the entire night, he just kept announcing surprise
after surprise after surprise.
Like, I thought by the end of the night, he was gonna go,
"Believe it or not, folks, I've locked up Hillary Clinton!
"Bring out the cage!
"Bring out the cage, Jeffrey Epstein!
That's right, folks! Surprise, surprise!"
(laughter)
So, that was the final State of the Union of Trump's first term,
and judging by the 212 standing ovations on the Republican side,
they're loving their guy.
But as for the Democrats,
I think Nancy Pelosi's actions speak louder than words.
-(applause and cheering) -Thank you. God bless you.
And God bless America.
Thank you very much.
(indistinct chatter)
LESTER HOLT: A stunning moment here
at the end of the president's speech.
Nancy Pelosi tearing up what appeared to be a copy
-of the president's speech. -WOMAN: Wow.
-Holy shit! -(laughter)
Nancy Pelosi has done it again.
I feel like every year, she finds a new way
to show Trump just how little she thinks
of him and his speech.
Because last year, you remember, was the sideways clap.
-You remember that? Yeah? -(laughter)
And then this year, she rips up his speech.
Trump better pray he doesn't get another State of the Union,
because at this rate, next time, she's just gonna show up
and throw vegetables at him during the speech.
He'll be like, "No. Please, no vegetables! No!
I'd rather be reimpeached!"
Now, on a normal night,
the State of the Union would be the major news,
but right now--
and here's something you only hear every four years--
everyone is talking about Iowa.
-Yeah. -(laughter)
Because last night was the Iowa Caucuses, right?
The first vote of the Democratic primary campaign.
And normally, we would know by now who'd won.
In fact, normally, we would have known last night.
But this year, Democrats decided to use a new app
to help count the votes,
and, uh, it has not gone as planned.
The only results from the Iowa Caucus
at this hour are chaos and confusion.
Chaos, confusion, meltdown--
pick your adjective to describe Iowa Caucuses.
What a mess! This is not the finish that anyone expected.
It certainly was a mess,
and some here are calling it a disaster.
WOMAN 4: Organizers in the state cite a domino effect
of problems for the delay.
Several issues with the new app
where results were to be inputted.
They had a-a really crummy app
that, uh, screwed up the entire thing.
Right now, no idea when we are going to know the results.
So, everyone really is just waiting
for these official results...
So, we wait, and at the moment, we have nothing.
(laughter)
You know... you know what I love about cable news in America--
right?-- is their dedication to filling air time
with absolutely nothing.
Right? 'Cause they're like, "We're not getting any results.
Uh, nothing is happening."
It's like, okay, do you guys want to cover the coronavirus
or some other international news in the meantime?
It's like, "No, no, we'll just keep talking
"about how nothing is happening.
"Anything yet? No? Nothing?
More nothing? Okay. Uh-huh, uh, more nothing? Yeah?"
But yes, the app that the Democrats commissioned
to make vote-counting easier ended up malfunctioning
and screwing up the entire night.
And I guess, what do you expect?
I mean, the average age of the party leadership
is, like, 85 years old.
Right? What do they know about apps?
The only thing they know about apps
is that you get one for free with the early bird special.
That's it. And honestly, it's a little embarrassing
for the world's greatest democracy
to have such a hard time counting votes.
I mean, America is usually the one
teaching the rest of the world how to vote.
But maybe next time Africa should send
some election observers to Iowa, that's what they should do.
They'd be like, "Ah, I can fix this for you, ah?
"Yeah, we've been fixing elections for many years.
-Don't worry." -(laughter, applause)
So...
so, because of this app,
the whole night was thrown into utter chaos.
Nobody knew what the problem was.
Nobody knew who won, and eventually,
the candidates got tired of waiting.
And they came out to try and spin the non-results
in the best way they could: "Oh, we're happy, things are great,
this is gonna be good for us."
But one candidate in particular took that to the next level.
So, we're still waiting for any results
from last night's Iowa Democratic caucuses.
But... that hasn't stopped candidates
from spinning the nonexistent results.
Former mayor of South Bend Pete Buttigieg
declared victory overnight. Listen.
We know, by the time it's all said and done,
Iowa, you have shocked the nation.
By all indications, we are going on to New Hampshire victorious!
(cheering)
(laughter)
Well, okay, Pete.
You're just gonna come out and claim victory
even though no results were in at that point?
That's a pretty bold move.
I mean, maybe that's just his thing.
Maybe Pete does that. Anytime anything's ambiguous,
no one knows, he just jumps in. You know, like,
(British accent): "Now, nobody knows who built Stonehenge..."
He's like, "Oh, it was me, it was me, I did it. I did it."
So the whole night was chaos.
And what's interesting, what's really interesting
is that even before last night's meltdown,
people were worried about relying on this app.
Right? But the head of Iowa's Democratic Party
was like, "Don't worry, baby, we got this."
NEWSMAN: The day before the caucus
we asked state party chairman Troy Price
if he had any fear about tech glitches
or other problems.
Do you have a nightmare scenario,
and if so, what do you do about it?
These are probably the most prepared we've ever been
as party for these caucuses.
We've run through a few different scenarios,
but I can tell you we're ready.
(groaning, laughter)
(applause)
This is the most prepared you've ever been as a party?
So what would have happened if you didn't prepare?
"Bad news, everyone. The app automatically changed
"all of the votes to the GEICO Lizard.
Uh, so he's our nominee now."
Now, even though last night was a disaster,
honestly, the caucus system wasn't that great
even before the app meltdown.
It's a crazy, crazy system.
Because in the Iowa caucus, you don't just come in and vote.
It's a whole complicated system where you spend hours
walking around and building coalitions in a hot gym.
You know? It's like a high school dance
without the possibility of a hand job.
-(laughter) -And...
and apparently, when there's a tie,
that's when the rules get really dumb.
There's 11 delegates to split up,
and you can't split 'em in half, so the fairest way to decide
is a coin toss.
She's gonna call heads or tails.
-WOMAN: Okay. -WOMAN 2: Tails.
(indistinct talking)
-Okay... -(laughter)
It's... it's bad enough to break ties with a coin flip,
but it looked like this guy didn't even know how to do...
a coin flip.
You... you can't have people that young flipping coins.
They don't use real money anymore.
We're lucky he didn't open the Venmo on his phone
-and just throw it up in the air. -(laughter)
What was that?
(applause)
So, the Iowa caucuses were a mess,
and it never would have happened
if the Democrats didn't try to rely on that new fancy app.
Luckily, though, luckily... there's another hot new solution
that just came out of Silicon Valley
that can fix voting forever.
WOMAN: Introducing the latest in voting technology,
thousands of years in the making.
Meet... paper--
the newest innovation in counting ballots.
It's only half a millimeter thin,
fits in your pocket, and holds its charge forever.
Paper has a user-friendly interface
for election officials of any age,
with cutting-edge technology.
Really cutting-edge.
(gasps) Ahh.
Available in both mini and pro models.
Best of all, it's hacker-proof,
and always beats rock.
PAyPR. Why complicate things.
I can't wait for the future.