Tucker Carlson.
No, no, no, no! Don't tune out. Don't tune out.
Let's talk about Tucker Carlson,
Fox News host and America's dickish stepbrother.
Yesterday, Fox announced that Carlson will be
an even bigger presence at the network
with a podcast and a series of specials.
But the question is how did Tucker Carlson
become the legend that he is today?
Well, to find out, here's the first installment
of our brand-new segment, The Daily Showography.
LYDIC: What makes a legendary journalist?
Gravitas? Honesty?
Eyes so piercing they can give you a nose ring?
No. It's adaptability.
And no one's better at that
than Tucker Carlson, man of a thousand faces
but also somehow only one face.
His father was a journalist
and U.S. ambassador to the Seychelles,
a popular vacation spot for people's money.
His stepmom was an heiress to Swanson frozen foods,
a heritage he still pays tribute to
with his trademark frozen facial expressions.
He has a brother, Buckley Swanson Peck Carlson.
You don't really need to know anything about him,
but how about those names, huh?
Others might have tried to downplay their wealth,
but downplaying was never Tucker's style.
CARLSON: Well, I'm, like, extraordinarily loaded
just from, like, money I, you know, inherited.
I've never needed to work.
LYDIC: He didn't need to work.
We could be living in a world where
Tucker Bronson McChad Carlson
isn't on TV every night.
But, luckily for America, that didn't happen.
After college, Tucker took his talents to journalism,
rising to prominence
as the liberals' favorite conservative.
Everyone liked him.
He seemed normal and un-white supremacist-y.
Tucker Swan Lake McNordstrom Carlson
took that palatable conservatism to CNN and PBS,
eventually becoming a perpetually bow-tied cohost
of CNN's Crossfire.
There, he helped steer cable news away
from meaningful discourse
and more towards people shouting talking points at each other,
like a Housewives reunion.
It was going great, until one day
when a Comedy Central extremist
infiltrated the set and wreaked havoc.
You're partisan, um-- what do you call it?-- hacks.
-Now, this is theater. I mean, it's-it's obvious. -It is...
-No, no, it... -How old are you?
-35. -And you wear a bow tie.
-Yeah, I do. I do. -(laughter) -So...
After surviving that ugly attack,
Tucker made the difficult decision to move on.
? ?
Desperate times called for desperate Tuckers.
So the butterfly emerged from yet another cocoon
and flew to MSNBC,
where he was both respected and likable,
someone you could definitely trust,
like Matt Lauer.
You know who was pals with him back then?
Rachel Maddow.
It's weird to see now,
like Emperor Palpatine going to brunch with Baby Yoda.
Carlson's low-rated MSNBC gig didn't last long,
but his personal brand only grew stronger.
He was not going to rest until the world knew
all 36 of his names.
Having flunked out of TV twice,
Tucker Seamus McDuck Carlson
began rebuilding his journalism career
by working with one of radio's most respected broadcasters,
Bubba the Love Sponge,
where he was able to channel his inner shock jock.
I...
Yeah.
Keep-keep...
(snorting, laughing)
One thing couldn't be denied:
Tucker Carlson said all that,
out loud, on purpose,
knowing other people would hear him.
Plenty of people would be proud
to coast on calling women the C-word,
but not Tucker.
In 2010, he remade himself yet again
as the public intellectual
behind the new website the Daily Caller.
Soon he was ready for his most important role yet,
Fox News superhero.
Tucker Vanderpump McRib Carlson was home.
And this time he became something completely new,
a man of the people.
Democrats have become the party of the elite professional class,
eager to lecture you about open borders,
global warming from their gated communities.
The most privileged people in our society
-shouting down at Trump's voters. -Yeah.
"Damn you, working-class Americans!
You must, you know, be quiet!"
-Tucker, you went to the elite schools of this country. -I did.
I did. And that's why I know it's a scam.
It was the performance of a lifetime,
an aristocrat who spent his entire adult life
working in media, acting as if he had just crawled out
of the coal mines and sat in front of a TV camera.
And Carlson wasn't afraid to use his new clout
to uplift the most needy among us,
people who hate immigrants.
Our leaders worship multiculturalism
because all cultures are equal.
Except for they're not all equal.
Our civilization is superior, and we need to defend it.
Latin American countries are forcing demographic change
on this country at a rate that American voters
consistently say they don't want.
We have a moral obligation to admit the world's poor,
they tell us, even if it makes our own country poorer
and dirtier and more divided.
Isn't it-- crowding your country the fastest way
to despoil it, to-to pollute it?
Tucker Swamp Thing McGruff Carlson
was like a beautiful reverse Statue of Liberty,
telling everyone to get their tired,
huddled masses out of here.
But any Fox News host could hate immigrants.
In fact, most of them did.
so Tucker upped the ante.
How precisely is diversity our strength?
Do you get along better with your neighbors
or your coworkers if you can't understand each other
or share no common values?
"White supremacy, that's the problem." This is a hoax.
This may be a lot of things, this moment
we're living through, but it is definitely not
about Black lives. And remember that
when they come for you. And, at this rate, they will.
We have every right to fight to preserve our nation
and our heritage and our culture.
In the skull of the African here,
the area associated with submissiveness
is larger than any human
or any other subhuman species on planet Earth.
Tucker was on fire like a cross on a Black family's lawn.
But as 2021 began,
he was once again restless for a change,
so Carlson put on yet another hat,
this time made of tinfoil.
Democrats rigged the election in front of all of us,
and nobody did anything about it.
And what about this vaccine?
Why are Americans being discouraged
from asking simple straightforward questions
about it? Questions like, how effective are these drugs?
Are they safe? And, by the way,
how much are the drug companies making off this stuff?
The Bidens' affection is totally real.
It's in no way part of a slick PR campaign
devised by cynical consultants determined to hide
the president's senility by misdirection.
(chuckles): No, not at all.
Their love is as real as climate change.
A little nuts? Well, maybe.
But unlike the moon landing or a 44-year marriage,
you can't fake ratings like this.
And while, yes, at least one person did sue for defamation,
a judge dismissed the case on the grounds
that any reasonable viewer knows
that even things Tucker says are facts are not actual facts.
So whatever the future holds for him,
one thing we know is that Tucker Severus McFly Carlson
will do it with a smile.
Or whatever's going on there.