- Don't you just wish, though?
Don't you just wish in your heart of hearts
some terry would come up in here
trying some grab ass and the touchy feely?
- That's the opposite of what I want
to have happen on a plane.
- Okay, that's unfortunate.
(rhythmic jazzy music)
(traditional Middle Eastern music)
- Brothers, brothers let us begin.
I have convened this meeting to find out what you are doing.
Why have we not taken a plane in 13 years?
- Khalid, you don't even know.
It is all because the cunning and mighty TSA is always
one step ahead of us.
- I do not believe it!
- It's true!
Last month I attempted to take down a plane
with a pair of scissors five inches long.
- That sounds like a perfect plan!
Well, why did it not work?
- Because the shrewd TSA,
they made restrictions
so you can only take a four-inch scissors.
Four inches.
- What? - Yes.
- How could they know that the five-inch blade
is a dangerous weapon
and a four-inch blade is no more than a child's plaything?
- That is the genius of TSA!
They foil us at every turn.
- Devils!
- You know, it's the same way with the liquid.
- What about the liquid?
- Yeah, we all know how much devastation we can wreak
with 3.5 ounces of liquid.
- The damage is incalculable!
- The crafty TSA, they have limited passengers
to only 3.4 ounces!
- Damn it!
Do none of you have a solution how,
for us to thwart this TSA?
- Khalid, Khalid, it's like you've been living in a,
well, here, look.
The TSA, they strike fear into my heart
with their polyester shirts
and their disposable rubber gloves,
and the, the sneaker shoes!
- They are so clever.
- [Terrorist] Clever.
- Yes, they act as if they are listless,
overweight employees who don't give a (bleep),
when in reality they are an elite force
of antiterrorist commandos!
- Oh, curse the brilliant TSA!
- Khalid, if I may.
I think I have a way to triumph over the wily TSA.
- [Khalid] Finally.
(terrorists murmuring)
- [Terrorist 2] Let's give him a shot.
- I have a plan to put a bomb in a laptop,
and it will detonate once you pull it from its case.
(laughs)
- Yes, yes it is perfect!
Planes will rain down from the sky onto the infidels!
(Khalid sings words of praise)
What, what, what?
- Sneak in here for a second.
I don't want to be the bearer of bad news-
- [Khalid] Then don't be.
- Maybe you are.
- It's as if the prophetic and all-knowing TSA
has predicted your plan.
They make you take the laptop out of the carrying case
and put in a separate bin before you get on the plane.
- Come on, you've got to be kidding me.
You've got to be kidding me.
Are you kidding me, Marwaz?
This is not a funny joke
if it's a joke. - It's no time for kidding.
I wouldn't kid.
- Oh my God.
I can't believe these mothers of devils.
Well, very well then.
Since you have all failed, I will tell you
how we will destroy the nonbelievers.
I have developed the smallest bomb possible.
And, it fits perfectly into this.
A full-sized tube of toothpaste. (laughs)
Yes, it's really great, isn't it?
I mean, it's literally a fantastic...
(terrorists murmuring)
What's going on over here?
What's the situation over here?
- Okay.
Is there a version of the toothpaste bomb
that comes in travel size?
- You know what, it's like they're in our heads.
(dramatic music)
- [Interrogator] Look, Rajid, I'm gonna make this really
nice and easy for you.
I need names, and you're gonna give em to me.
- You have to listen to me.
You have to listen to me.
This is all a huge mistake.
- Bull (bleep)!
Department of Homeland Security's been monitoring your calls
for weeks, Rajid.
We got you.
We know about you and your friends.
We know that you're a-
- Terrier-ist!
I am a terrier-ist.
We, me and my friends, we breed dogs,
specifically terriers.
We write terrier-ist fiction.
We, we spend a good deal of time discussing
possible future terrier-ist plots-
(Rajid grunts)
- It's a nice try, really is.
But it's bull (bleep), Rajid.
Come on, is that the best you got?
Now come on, I'm listening.
Just tell me, tell me.
Tell me about this imminent attack.
- What, what?
What attack, I don't know what you're talking about.
- What am I talking about? - I don't...
- Huh, I don't know what you're talking about.
What am I, no, yeah.
You don't know? - That's what I'm telling you.
I don't know, I don't know.
- June 11th, Rajid!
You spoke of an imminent attack.
- Oh, oh, that was my friend!
Listen, his dog bit him.
- No. - And I told him,
if you do not train them,
another terrier attack is imminent.
(Rajid groans and chokes)
- [Interrogator] So you lied, and you see what happens?
- I'm not lying to you.
- Come on, Rajid, I like you.
Let's be friends, huh?
Now you still haven't explained to me
why we found, on the search engine of your computer,
the words "target Washington" 49 times.
- That is because I was in DC for a dog show,
and I had to buy a squeezy toy, a birthday card,
and some deodorant, all at an affordable price.
- All right.
- You can only do that at Target.
- Yeah, okay, I see how you wanna play this.
Come on, gimme this. (Rajid groans)
This is not a case of mistaken identity, Rajid,
and you know it!
We've heard the conversations between you and Jafar
where you're discussing your hatred of American ideals.
- Idols, American Idols!
I hate them!
They performed "Dancing Queen!"
It was a desecration to ABBA!
My faith in that.
- We got you on tape referring to Jafar
as one of the architects of-
- [Rajid] 7-11!
It was 7-11.
Jafar, he designs convenience stores!
- 7-11, oh (bleep).
- Wilson, 65 dogs just attacked the Capitol Building!
- Were they terriers?
- How did you know?
- (bleep)
- [Rajid] Praise ABBA!
(traditional Middle Eastern music)
- Okay, there is your gyro.
Here's your burger, sir, thank you.
And sir, if you could just wait for one moment.
We are very, very busy today, I'm so sorry!
- Another great day of business, Brother Ibrahim!
- Are you kidding me?
Look, we are raking in the money!
- Praise Allah, I know!
I have just bought a flat-screen television.
- Really?
- High definition.
- We should watch some of the American football
on the screen. - Come, come!
I have the La-Z-Boy.
I have the La-Z-Boy sofa.
- Oh my god, we could have-
- As-salaam 'alykum.
(dramatic music)
Brother Ibrahim, Brother Asman.
- Wa 'alaykum as-salaam, Brother Mustafa.
- What are you doing here in the United States?
- A joyous surprise!
- Yes, absolutely!
- I was just checking on your progress.
- Of course.
- This is a very good front for your sleeper cell.
The Americans will never see it coming.
- They are totally fooled, Brother Mustafa.
They think that we're just two immigrants
who are in love with the amazing amounts of money
that you can make being entrepreneurs.
I mean, this food truck is like just printing money.
It's a little crazy, to be honest with you.
It's like a bottomless pit of money.
You can just reach in, pull it out, and you-
- When in reality, Brother Ibrahim-
- Yes, well in reality we want to destroy
as many of the imperious infidels as possible.
- Right.
But what I don't understand is,
you have your target, you have your explosives.
Why not just put the bomb on the truck
and then drive it straight into the building,
killing as many infidels as you can?
- No, so the thing is...
- That we're already doing it.
- How is that possible?
- You see, Brother Mustafa,
these sandwiches are loaded with cholesterol.
Slowly the infidels, they grow fat,
and their arteries start to clog.
- Stop it!
I'm beginning to doubt your dedication to the cause.
- No, no, no-
- [Customer] Hey guy, can I just order a fusion burger?
I'm in a hurry.
- Yes, $9 please.
(foreboding music)
- Our leader would be very displeased.
Did you say $9 for one?
- Yes, yes, and-
- $1 extra for crazy rockin' hummus.
- How much do they cost to make?
- $1.50?
- $1.50.
- Pretty good margins.
- Yes. - Yes, yes.
- How many do you sell a day?
- I don't know. - Maybe a hundred?
- A hundred?
- Yes, sometimes two. - On a good day?
Maybe two?
- What?
- 200 is a big day.
- But you are ignoring your mission!
(dramatic music)
You will pay the ultimate price!
- [Asman] No, no, we are still-
(dramatic music)
- Okay, that sounds good.
Your order will be right up.
That'll be $9, please.
- My friends, you must try Mustafa Kebab!
Only $5!
And one rock and roll baba ghanoush, $1 extra!
Come on!
- No, no, no, wait-
- Your fusion burger?
- Yo, hey yo.
- Sorry.
- Yo.
Hey yo.
Oh, yo.
Yo, yo.
- Excuse me?
- Oh man, oh man, oh man.
I tell you one thing, if 9/11 were to happen
up on this here plane, don't worry.
We got this.
- Okay, I have no idea what you're talking about.
- He said that if them terries is gonna try something
up in here today like the bounce, boogie, and bump,
that we got this (bleep) on lock.
- Do you mean terrorists?
- Hell yeah, baby.
He ain't talking about Teri Garr.
- And I certainly ain't talking about no terrycloth.
I mean, if a terry up on this plane,
he best thinkin' about trying to do something,
we gonna wax him up.
- You're, you're gonna what?
- We're gonna draxx them sklounst.
- I think what my partner's trying to say
is if any terries come up in here,
we gonna get our Bergeron.
- Yeah.
- Did something happen, or did I miss something?
Is this hypothetical or...
- Oh we gonna definitely drop some hypotheticals
on that terry's clavicle, 'cause I'm talking about pssh.
Squeets, squeets, squeets, squeets.
Skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet.
- Don't you just wish, though?
Don't you just wish in your heart of hearts
some terry would come up in here
trying some grab ass and the touchy feely?
- That's, that's the opposite of what I want
to have happen on a plane.
- Okay, that's unfortunate.
Conference.
- [Passenger 1] This was unexpected.
- It certainly was.
I'm thrown right now as to who's gonna be our comrade.
- I can still hear you.
- [Passenger 2] He doesn't have the heart nor the gumption.
- You're literally right next to me.
- On three, break.
Three.
- Yoo hoo, I got an idea.
Feel free to say no.
But can we switch seats?
I will not take no for an answer.
- Why?
- That's the combat seat, Johnathan Livingston Seagull.
If you gonna be in the combat seat,
then you gots to be willing to blast up on some terries.
Because with great power comes great responsitriligence.
- Okay, I just, I just wanted some leg room.
- Okay, Max Legroom, you get yours.
Meanwhile I'm a go Hayden Panettiere on some terries,
especially when they get froggy.
- Ribbit, ribbit.
- Um.
- You gonna have to be ready to kidnap a terry.
- I don't...
- You gonna have to be ready to torture a terry.
- I don't think that's necessary.
- Absolutely, you have to fireboard those mother jammers.
- I don't even understand what that means.
- Do you trust me?
- No.
- I'll take that as a yes.
- Okay.
- Trust.
These terries come up in here, trying to act froggy.
- Then we gonna give them the Rainbow Connection.
Here, froggy, froggy, froggy, froggy.
- Is that a box cutter?
- Oh, you best believe it, baby.
We gonna be eatin' like Diane Keaton.
2.36 inches, baby.
- Shwacks.
- Perfectly leg-well.
- And if those don't work?
(gun cocks)
You know I'm workin' up that Plan B, brother.
- You have a gun?
- Hell yeah, 3D printer, baby.
100% polyurethane.
They can't detect these mammerjammers.
- They have a weapon, they have a weapon!
These guys got a weapon!
- Where you at, terry?
(passengers screaming)
- Everybody relax, we taking control of this plane!
(shouting and yelling)
- We got out the way, it's really on!
- I'm on vacation!
(kitschy upbeat music)
- Draxx them sklounst.
(upbeat, rhythmic music)
♪ I want you ♪
♪ But I know me ♪